A History of The Computer Era on Earth By Vincent B. Navarino, The Year 2795 A.D. (Alien Date) Today, class, we are going to talk about the people that worked in the early days of the computer era on a planet called Earth; which had many similarities with our great planet. In fact, the Earth it seems had a history almost identical to our own planet's, save for some critical and tragic differences. Many years ago, before the computer revolution took place on this relatively young planet, there was an ancient concept called 'Manual Labor.' A concept that reached its height after the first McDonald's opened up. Many, many people were constantly being forced to talk 'McLanguage' which meant that the people's minds went the way of the dodo bird. - A flightless bird of old that was quite stupid The common people that worked at such laborious tasks were usually high school students or high school dropouts. Since these persons were not deemed of any value by their society, no one cared. After all, they still had to be home at a certain time, had to wash up before eating, couldn't vote, and were constantly in a state called "grounded." Therefore they were not paid any real attention until they became adults (i.e. paid REAL rent or moved out). In the scheme of things on Earth there were always people who performed 'Manual Labor.' This was so that real people could enjoy the benefits of not being bothered with such laborious and mundane tasks. After all, it is hard to get a rocket scientist out of his house to take the trash out to the curb; he could get lost. With the concept of 'Manual Labor' established, and the "people" to fill such a role it left a hole that needed to be filled by society. Meaning, if you didn't have to exert yourself what were you to do? What would you be called? - And so the Computer Programmer was born The Programmer realized that if there were people to fix his car, flip his burgers and shine his shoes then he could enjoy the benefits of using his mind, not his muscles. Soon he found that he could make tons more money than the 'Manual Laborer.' - After all, he WAS smarter However, the Programmer soon found out he was not perfect. After what seems like a millennium he had to grudgingly admit that he was flawed. He lacked an adversary. Truth be told, he needed someone to blame his mistakes on. - And thus the Hardware People filled the void The Hardware People soon took all the blame for the Programmers' errors. It was they who were fired because 'Mr. Big' didn't get his report on time. They were the ones who were always persecuted because the system crashed; not the innocent Programmer whose coding skills were so weak it invaded all the regions in the mainframe and made $5 million dollars worth of pure computing power act like a power toaster. No, they weren't to blame. It wasn't they who did it . . . it was those nasty downstairs Hardware People that were to blame. - After all, they always LOOKED guilty. Soon the wars between the Hardware People and the Programmers took their inevitable toll. Too many companies went bankrupt because they fired all the Hardware People and the bad, nasty, evil and incredibly smart Programmers didn't care when, if ever, 'Mr. Big' got his report. So both the Hardware (let's call them 'Manual Laborers') people and the Programmers (let's call them the Smart Ones) were all out of a job. Both needed money, and quickly. - Thus The Computer Consultant was born The Consultant was and still is an enigma to us. He was neither a Programmer nor a Hardware Person; he was a deadly mixture. Rarely did he help. Money was his first, last and middle name. You could never get this guy to answer a simple question without it costing you $250. He was a danger to all life. It was his special brand of ineptness that makes him of value in this tale. The Consultant is like the lawyer. - No ethics, morals or shreds of humanity clouded his thinking Money was his God. The more he made and the less he worked for it, the better he felt. He preyed on the weak, the unknowing, the small businesses. He was all that went wrong in their world and more. He caused grief and chaos wherever he went. And worst of all. . . he got paid to do it. The Consultant was a hybrid; a fluke like the Platypus. A freak of nature that ate cash and promises like they were going out of style. Soon mankind, sickened beyond belief at this atrocity, decided to do something about it. They wanted to put an end to this monster. They wanted to erase all traces of the Computer Consultants. - So they hired them and made them Managers And life as they knew it took an even worse turn. That's when the intelligent and ultra-advanced aliens from the Milky Way got so fed up with the human's pitiful existence that they decided to sit back, sip root beer and nuke the Earth from orbit to put those poor humans out of their misery. To date the only sad part of this story is that the Universe missed out on something special after the Earth was nuked. One shining glimmer of hope and beauty that could have only been found on Earth. - The Nickelodeon Channel bbbbbbrrrrriiiinnnngggggg!ing!ing! Alright class, that ends the lesson for today. Remember to read Chapters 2-5 in your _Past Parallel Civilizations that Were Killed Mercifully by the Ultra-Advanced Aliens from the Milky Way_ textbooks. And remember our field trip to Mars is next week. I need all of your parental permission slips signed by Thursday or you'll miss out on thumbing through the old Mars probe wreckage! Have a good day, class. {RAH} -------------- Vincent B. Navarino is a Sr. Mainframe Applications Programmer and the SysOp of The Particle Board III BBS (FidoNet 1:272/60). After being asked politely to leave his former employer, he has wandered the lengths of the land to find the Colonel's secret recipe. Rumor has it that Mr. Navarino is quite mad and has attempted to bungee jump off of bridges sans bungee chord. Due to quick action by several passing motorists, he is still alive and banging his head randomly on his computer keyboard.