What to say to drive away hucksters who telephone during dinner or in the middle of a riveting TV show peddling sides of beef, municipal bonds, alum-inum siding, computer software or whatever: 1. "The police photographer is still here, and the county medical examiner hasn't released the body to the coroner yet. Can you call back a little later? 2. "You called at the right time, buster. I'll order carloads of whatever you got just to restore my credit rating. Those turkeys down at the bank go bananas over one little bounced check or two. 3. "I'm sorry. The taxi is at the door right now. We're heading off on a 90 day world cruise aboard the Empress of Burmuda. 4. "Well, you'll have to send the stuff to my new address. As of next Wednesday, it'll be: care of the warden, maximum security wing, Attica Correction Facility, Attica, N.Y. 5. "What's that you say? Speak up, please, will you? The battery has run down on my hearing aid. Louder, please, Louder. Is that the best you can do? I'm afriad we're just not communicating" 6. "I'm afraid you have the wrong number. This is a funeral home or what we like to call a consoling chapel for the bereaved. Visiting hours are from 2 to 5 and 7 to 10. 7. "I'm just house sitting here, buddy. The owners won't be back for a couple months. You wouldn't have a good deal on off-brand whiskeys and beer by the case, would you? Maybe a little grass or snow? 8. "Too late pal. As of tomorrow, Uncle Sam will take care of all my necessities. But you might try my drill instructer at Camp Pendleton. In other words tell it to the Marines 9. "I'm gonna have to put you on hold. The baby is due any minute now. Quick someone, get some hot water. Lots of it. Sorry, gotta hurry now, don't go away 10. "Oh, it's you again. I was hoping you'd call back. The better business people said I need more positive identification to file my complaint. Now first let me have your name and telephone number. Hello? Hello? 11. "Well, if this ain't the living end. The furniture is out on the sidewalk the sheriff's auction is about to begin and you want to sell me a freezer full of prime beef. Keep talking. I can dream, can't I? 12. "The number you have called is a working number like you would'nt believe. Let me make you a counterproposal. How about the company of one of our swinging little ladies for an evening? Our personalized dating service guarantees satisfaction, and we do take credit cards. 13. "Sorry to cut you off like this but Uncle Harry is choking on something. Oh, my, he's turning purple. Could you tell me how to administer that bear hug first aid grip? I'd better go. 14. "The furnace just conked out, there's a foot of water in the basement and I nearly broke my neck on the kid's skate board getting to the phone. You wouldn't have a special on cyanide, would you? 15. "You better talk to my wife when she gets back from Reno. This place will be all hers then. 16. "The dog just died and I'm so glad to have someone to talk to... And of course, there is this old one.... 17. What the fuck is your problem asshole?? What ever the fuck you are trying to sell or give away or whatever, I don't need it because if I did, I would have it, and if I have one already, I sure the fuck don't want another one from you !!!! Why can't leeches like you get a real job, why the fuck do you gotta call me?? What the fuck is your problem. If you call one more time I will come through the phone line and eat your tonsils!! Now go away you maggot and crawl back under the rock from which you came.