**************************************************************************** ### # # ### ##### ## # # # ## ## # # ### ##### ## ### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### # # # # # # # # # ## # #### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### # ## # # # ## ## ## ### # # # # # ### ____________________________________________________________________________ # # ### #### # # #### # # ### #### ##### # # ##### #### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### ### ##### # # #### ##### # # ##### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### ### # # # # #### # # ### # # # ##### ##### #### *****NUMBERS 181 TO 185***********BY DANIEL BOWEN (tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu)***** "N-n-n-n-not another Toxic Custard" ______ ___ ______ ___ || // || || || // // \\ \\ 10/1/94 || || || || ||___ //| \\___// |\\ Written by || || || /\ || || || // \\ || Daniel Bowen _||_ \\___ \\//\\// || _||_ \\___// _||_ TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA - VOLUME 14 NEEDLE An object of evil. It was devised by the evil Count Pierre deNeedle, one of those French bastards who wore a top hat and was always tying maidens to railway tracks in deserted black-and-white valleys, and setting off nuclear bombs on peaceful Pacific islands. The needle was designed for two purposes: - To be found in unexpected places by sitting on it, catching your finger on it, or having some other part of your anatomy punctured by it, followed by a loud hailing from the vocal chords, often the phrase "shit!" - To infuriate any person trying to sew, by waiting until you are just about to get the thread through the little hole, then concentrating all its energies and moving two millimetres to the right. NEIGHBOUR One of those people you occasionally smile at when walking down the street, but rarely develop such a bond with that they are concerned when your burglar alarm goes off when you're on holiday. "NEIGHBOURS" Australia's revenge on Britain for constant royal tours. NEWT One of those really small beasties that annoys little kids because they're too small to step on. I dunno though - if you were flying along and got caught in the downward air-draught of a descending foot, it'd do serious damage, wouldn't it? NIGHT That time of day when it isn't. Night is generally recognised by an overall lack of light, and the sudden manifestation of strange noises which feed paranoia. NLQ (NEAR LETTER-QUALITY) Euphemism in the field of computer printers. When the salesman says "yes sir or madam, this printer here offers Near-Letter-Quality printing" they actually mean "what, you're too stingy to shell out on a laser printer? Why not just write it all out by hand? Don't want to invest in the pencils? You scumbag." NOBODY, MR Semi-mythical person whom I was always told would come to clean my room. But he never did. NOSE Outlet located in the middle of the face. Used for smelling, breathing, and the output of extraneous waste. Beats me why snot couldn't have exited through the arse like most of the other waste coming out of the body. Perhaps it was more economically viable to have a secondary solids outlet. Actually it's just as well that people don't send their other waste through the nose. Then we'd need flushing handkerchiefs. And farts would be much more noticeable. NOTICEBOARD A large board placed somewhere in the office, where administrative- type people place important notices that no-one ever reads. Also the location of very bad cartoons on the subject of office life, pinned up by the office wag. [See wanker.] 97% of office workers ignore these, and instead find their entertainment in the Gary Larson calendar that at least one person per office has on their desk[*]. This desk will become a focal point for meeting throughout the year, where from will be heard guffaws aplenty[+], except from the person who actually sits at that desk, who will wish that everyone will piss off so they can do some work. [*] Yes, it's me this year. [+] Accompanied by cries of "oh isn't he great!" and "how is he so imaginative!" NOVEMBER Oh come on, that was months ago, it's pointless dwelling on it now. The word November is actually Latin. Nov means nine, indicating the ninth month, which is due to the guy who made up all the months having a bit of a problem with adding up. Ember is something to do with open fireplaces, which are popular in some parts of the Northern Hemisphere, making the name of this month hemispherist, of course. NULL MODEM Another one of those things which sits around on your desk for months, but mysteriously vanishes the day before you need it. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - CUSTARD BAND-AIDS - THE BEST BAND-AIDS To prove that Custard band-aids are the best band-aids, we took three healthy people, and inflicted identical serious cuts in their arms. [*Arghh!*] [*Arghh!*] [*Arghh!*] We left one cut untreated. The second one, we treated with another band-aid brand. And the third we treated with new improved Custard band-aids. Then we left them locked in a room with no food or water for three days. The first person died. [*Thump*] His family are suing us. The second person had to have their arm amputated at the shoulder [*Nnnnnneeeeeoooooowwwwww* *Argh!*] and is suing us. The third person survived without any effects whatsoever, although he's having difficulty in writing, but that should be okay in a couple of days. With the profits from sales from this promotion, we paid off the other two court cases. Custard band-aids. The best. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If pain persists, please see your Toxic Custard back-issues. Available by ftp - send email to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen -- Daniel Bowen, NTC Systems------| My brain spat out the above words. My hands Telecom Australia, Melbourne---| typed them in, and my computer (and one at dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au-| MIT) sent them around the world. Telecom TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu| Australia is responsible for none of these. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "OOOOOOver the top Toxic Custard" ___ / \ < M A > Medium-level Christian jibes \___/ Mature Athiests ___ ____ ____ \ / \ \ \ \ January 15th 1994 _\___ ___ \__ \ \___\ __\ Written by Daniel Bowen \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ (but don't tell his \__/ \___ \__\__\ \ \ \___\ \___ psychiatrist) TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA - VOLUME 15 OBJECT Another of those words which is very good an being fairly anonymous in its description of anything, and not actually meaning very much. Generally most useful when you want to describe something, but are unaware what the fuck it is. About as useful as "The definite article", which is not only stupid enough to be a definition which includes the word it's trying to define, but also includes the word "article", which means the same thing as object, yet nobody knows what it is. Which is pretty vague for something which is supposed to be "definite". OBJET The same as "Object", but for the French and/or pretentious. OCEAN A large body of water between countries, which is probably the biggest peace-keeper in the world, preventing more countries from being permanently at each others' throats. Readers are advised when crossing oceans to always look both ways, and never walk on the water unless you are Christ. (Yeah look, I don't want to gloat or anything, but I did recently get a subscription request from a jc@heaven.rel) Once again, I apologise to any Christians reading this. (Of course, if I really cared, I wouldn't have written the last paragraph, would I.) OCTOPUS Eight-legged sea creature that I just can't bring myself to eat. Even when I have the advantage over it that it's dead and I'm alive. And hungry. And sitting in a restaurant being offered food to eat. (See Order) ODD Odd things that you don't want people find in your house include: - that dead insurance salesman that you lost your rag at and buried under the stairs - the New Kids On The Block records that someone bought you as a joke - the fungus that is growing all over one side of the shower - all those Readers Digest metal tokens that you decided to keep because "they looked nice" when you opened the envelope just after downing forty-three consecutive stubbies - the (now dead) cat buried in the sofa that's been missing for three months, and which gives the livingroom that special aroma OPERA For centuries now, Opera has been the foremost method of humiliation available to the security forces. It began in the late 1600s, when peasant rebels were made to dress up as ridiculously fat people and get up on wooden planks in front of hundreds of their peers and shout the same things over and over and over, to a musical accompaniment. By the time the French Revolution came rolling along, it was the aristocrats who were forced to the stage to sing, gesticulate wildly and loudly perform plays devised to spread Revolutionary propaganda. Nowadays, Opera has been driven underground, but is still carried out by the perverse, the deviant, and those with very big tits (both men and women), their audiences made up almost exclusively of establishment figures. ORDER The process of telling the waiter what you would like to eat, preferably a choice from that on the menu. Following the ordering process, you will make a note of everything that they forget to bring you, and finally find the courage to kick up a stink when the meal's over and everyone's leaving. The procedure then is for the restaurant to fall over themselves trying to make it up for you, by offering a free X (insert your forgotten choice here) even though you're not hungry, you're leaving now, and you didn't order X anyway, you ordered Y. ORIGINAL SOFTWARE Something of a rarity in this universe. OXYGEN A thoroughly useful substance to the vast majority of us. Without oxygen, we would die, and then life wouldn't be worth living. Which is irrelevant because we would be dead. And yet what would life be without life itself? A void of nothingness to be pondered by theologians. And yet without life there would be no theologians to ponder it... so I guess it wouldn't be quite so bad. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - In between watching Countdown repeats and blowing my nose, I've been getting out and about town a bit. I managed to catch "Much Ado About Nothing" at the Rivoli Cinema - for discerning cinema goers, or so they say. The same film was also showing in the city, but that was obviously the edited, non-discerning version. You could tell the audience was discerning because apart from us there was no-one below 45. Actually, perhaps that's what discerning means. "The theatre for people over 45, but the Drug Offensive will still put in one of their Speed Catches Up With You ads anyway in the hope that you crumblies will stop taking Speed when you're at dinner parties." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A few selected Toxic Custard back-issues are available by ftp. Email for details. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen -- Daniel Bowen, NTC Systems------| My See how Telecom Australia, Melbourne---| words far apart Telecom's dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au-| and <-------they---------> Responsibilities TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu|thoughts are? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "P'd off Toxic Custard" __ __ ******* ***** * * ****** | / \ / \ * * * * * * | \__/ _/ * * * * * * **** | / \ \ 24th January 1994 * ***** * * * | \__/ \__/ by Daniel Bowen TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA - VOLUME 16 PADLOCK Security device which anyone can cut through if they have the determination (and the cutters). Either operated by key, which is then lost, or by combination, which is cracked by people passing who have nothing better to do. About as secure as Pyramid / A Savings And Loan / BCCI (delete according to continent). PARADIGM One of those words which is perfectly clear when you look it up in the dictionary, but which is awfully difficult to work into everyday conversation, not only because it sounds complex, but also because of extreme paranoia about mispronouncing it. PARENTHESES What people say when they mean brackets, but are trying to sound smart. PATRIOT One who blindly loves their country, no matter what terrible things it might be getting up to while they aren't looking. "Oh yeah, well I know they might have been experimenting on peasants in neighbouring countries, but Christ, isn't this a great country!!" PAY Compensation for having to go to work and put up with all the cretins in your office. PENECTOMY I'm pretty sure in thinking that when they first heard of the Lorena Bobbit trial, most men squirmed a fair bit. This is instinctive. I also discovered on Friday what happens if you happen to be playing in an office indoor soccer game and someone, later to be known as "ballcrusher", accidentally aims a soccer ball in your direction, which manages to hit what, we shall say, are the most delicate parts of a man's body. The human body does not mess about in this situation. Every nerve is screaming at the brain "Christ, that hit me in the balls!" The message goes express to Brain Central, which initiates emergency gasping procedures, and puts into action the disaster foetal position. And as the other men around you squirm in sympathy, the brain goes into recovery "act cool" mode, and begins to think of jokes involving high-pitched voices and doubts about the possibilities of offspring. PISS The are so many and varied uses for the word piss that I have decided to compile a list, as follows: on the piss drinking alcohol piss artist one who messes around (esp when drunk) pissed intoxicated pissed (US) annoyed pissed off annoyed piss elegant pretentiously elegant pissing away wasting (esp money) pissing down raining heavily piss-up party (esp involving alcohol) to piss to urinate to piss off to go away to piss about to mess around to piss-fart around to mess around I've almost certainly missed something, but I think you get the general idea. Now, I want you all to write a sentence which gets all of those meanings into less than 25 words. POETRY - "The Nastiness Of Your Flea-Ridden Scalp" I think that I shall never see, Anything as small as a flea, It hops and hops and bites and bites, And gets into your hair and shites, And no matter how you swat, You'll never get it; that's your lot, And though the flea is not shaped like a dome, That's about the end of this poem. POLYCRATES (c536-522 BC) Lots of boxes. Invented container lorries. POND Small body of water, which, with the right light, a few ducks, and overhanging trees, you can just about think looks nice and restful, before a bunch of screaming kids run past, throw a rock in the water, and spoil the whole atmosphere. POST OFFICE A vast system of little vans, sorting rooms and people on bicycles. Together they ensure that if you need to get something sent from A to B in a hurry, three weeks after you've mailed it at A, it still hasn't turned up at B. It's either languishing in a big sack at C, or has by some complete mystery been detoured via D, which is generally on a different continent to both A and B. PUBLIC ADDRESS Why is it that the most vitally important PA announcements - the ones you actually want to hear the contents of - are drowned out by the noise of the crowd? PUNS The following puns have no homes to go to-: Chefs have a license to grill. Carpenters have a license to drill. Man's liver takes a turn for the wurst! Breakfast eater has fatal bran tumour! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A few selected Toxic Custard back-issues are available by ftp. Email for details. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen -- Daniel Bowen, NTC Systems------| Don't hold Telecom responsible Telecom Australia, Melbourne---| for my words. And don't ask me dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au-| to connect Call Waiting for TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu| you. Ring 1800-052-052 instead. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Queued Toxic Custard" T C W F 3 1 9 i n a B T x c C s a W r hop F es 8 31/1 99 rit n y a i l B n T x c Custar Wor shop Fi es 18 , 31/1/ 99 . Writ en y Dani l Bo en Toxic Custard Workshop Files 184, 31/1/1994. Written by Daniel Bowen TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA - VOLUME 17 Q The letter with the least number of amusing words in the alphabet. (So far). Generally found just before the letter U, entries for which will appear in several weeks. QUANTUM SUFFICIT The type of phrase that makes you wonder if this language would be any better off if there was someone in charge who had power of veto over the introduction of new words. QUEEN Not much of a career to get into if you can help it. Tends to involve flying all over the place being famous. But you don't get to make lots of movies. It must get a bit dull after a while actually. Everywhere the Queen goes all she gets to do is open things, do walkabouts, go to the races... But the really scarey thing about the Queen is that she has kids. This means that at sometime she and the Duke of Edinburgh... must have... you know... *done it*. Eugghghgghh. That's pretty frightening. And think of the possible embarrassment. What if a servant or a bodyguard walked in. "Oops, sorry your Maj.. hey, how did you two get into that position? Should I pick these robes up for you... oh, I should just go? Okay then.. yes, I'll just go. Just please try not to get any marks on the red carpet. Yes, I'm averting my eyes.. Oh. Beheaded? Thank you very much your Majesty." QUEUE Something that supermarket supervisors obviously have no idea how to manage. It's tempting when you're waiting to grab a PA microphone and shout "Yes, shoppers, don't leave yet, 'cos we've got mega bargains now! All breakfast cereal, meat and dairy produce bought in the next fifteen minutes is 90% off! Stock up now!" Wait thirty seconds and all the queues will have disappeared. I sometimes get quite infuriated in supermarkets. Keep me off the roads - people are in enough trouble when they get in the way of my trolley. Some of them leave their shopping trolleys in the middle of the aisle. Next time that happens I'm gonna move it for them and then watch as they try to work out where they left it. I dream that one day they'll turn the whole supermarket into one big one-way system. "Hey, too bad if you don't want dog food because you haven't got a dog... too bad! You gotta go via the dog food anyway! What'dya mean you forgot the eggs... too late now! You'll just have to go around again! See you in hell, shopper! You there! Trying to climb over the frozen food section to get back to the shampoo! Get down here now! Reg - get the shotgun! ... ... Your attention shoppers, due to an... incident in the frozen food section, all shoppers will be detoured via hygiene products. We apologise for any inconvenience. Do not attempt to enter the frozen food section. Thank you for shopping at Dangerousway." QUIBBLE Recreational sport. Quibbling began as a pastime for bored consumers. Since then it has spread, and we can soon expect to see Olympic Quibbling. "Here come's Anderson, Quibbling for Australia... yes, he's asking about the discount price... oh, and the special bonus offer. That shop assistant's on the run now... and I think he's getting ready to deal his most devastating final blow... yes, he's noticed the scratch in the upper corner. But oh no! He's just mentioned how they used to make them in the old days! Anderson has just bullshitted! Sensational news! Anderson, out of the Quibbling Final on a bullshit. Tragedy for the young athlete..." QWERTY Type of keyboard designed to slow the typist down and confuse people who are learning to type. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Sometimes I wonder what I'm really doing on this planet. Do you? Do you get up in the morning and think... hell, will I really make a difference to the world by living? Will the rest of the human race even know that I exist? And then I look at the figures of history... like Hitler. Did he wake up one morning and think "I have to do something with my life... why don't I try genocide"? Was Hitler planning for the future... perhaps to try and set up a family business. "A. Hitler and Sons - Dictators and Genocidal Services to the General Public". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Do you ever think your life is empty? Without meaning? Have you considered the possibilities of Toxic Custard back-issues? For details, just email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu today! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen -- Daniel Bowen, NTC Systems------| Telecom Australia is not Telecom Australia, Melbourne---| responsible for the above dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au-| thoughts and words. TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu| Honest. YES, THIS TOXIC CUSTARD IS SHORTER THAN USUAL. SEE IF I CARE. WE CAN'T ALL BE FUNNY ALL OF THE TIME. IN FACT, SOME OF US HAVE TROUBLE IN BEING FUNNY EVEN SOME OF THE TIME. I BLAME THE WORLDWIDE JOKE SHORTAGE. OH SOD IT, WHO CARES. YOU'VE GOT MORE SENSIBLE THINGS TO BE DOING. SO GO DO THEM. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Arrrr.. it's Toxic Custard" ___/ _ \ /\ / \ / \ \ / / \ \ oxic / ustard \ \ /orkshop /\iles 185 7th February 1994 \ \_/ \/\/ __/ written by Daniel Bowen TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA - VOLUME 18 RAFFLE A way to get you to spend $2 in the mistaken belief that you have a newt's chance in a grinder of winning a hamper/car/holiday. There's something just not quite right about the principle of making money for charities which involves giving away expensive prizes. There's probably a loop-hole in the raffle laws that allows the raffle organisers *not* to give away prizes if the proceeds are to charity. Most proceeds actually go to rebuilding churches, upgrading kindergartens, etc. The more dubious ones go to sending brass bands to Queensland, building athletics clubs, and of course the newly created Custard Development Fund. The Custard Development Fund is dedicated to sending the author of Toxic Custard on a Hawaiian holiday. RAIN Another one of those things that is great to watch when you're not caught in it. Perhaps what we need to do is somehow make intelligent clouds that rain, but not actually *on* people. READERS DIGEST Ever wondered how effective those mailing campaigns are? Toxic Custard has obtained this internal Readers Digest report. Summary of mailing campaign: 43,000 sent competition letter 15,000 stupid enough to send back entry form 15,000 sent secondary draw letter with offer of Readers Digest sample and exclusive small brass token 3,000 request Readers Digest sample 3,000 sent Readers Digest sample with subscription offer 9 subscribe REAP Formerly used in descriptions of agriculture, "reap" is now almost exclusively found in bad retail advertising campaigns, eg "We've cut prices so you reap the benefits!" shouted by manic announcers over footage of crazed shoppers smashing in doors. RECEIPT Proof of the purchase of goods. There are two distinct types of receipt: - the receipt that sits in your wallet for the best part of a year before you clean it out, and then pops up again regularly for the rest of your life, in desk drawers, stuck in books as bookmarks, or attached to the fridge with a magnet - the receipt that you think you put safely somewhere, but can't find when the goods that you bought falls apart/breaks down/ causes you to want to return the goods, for whatever reason. (See Return) REFERENCE The academic way of copying what someone else has written. The best references don't actually exist. Which means they can say precisely what you want them to say. RENOVATION, IDEAL FOR See Demolition, Condemned, Wreck, Pile of bricks. REPEATS *Sigh*. Last week I finished watching the Countdown repeats. What a nostalgia trip. Back to the late-70s. Bit of a nightmare, actually. The memories came flooding back. I think that now I am ready to atone for my sins. Yes, it's true. I once had brown cords. I'm not proud. It's just something I did in the foolish years of my youth. One of many things, actually. On the other hand, when it comes to embarrassing fads of the Seventies, I do have several points on my side. To my knowledge, I never wore flares. I didn't like Kiss. Or Abba. Sometimes I think I was pretty smart, considering I was just a kid. REPRODUCE The sort of thing that Jeremy Beadle should be banned from. The Beadles actually have a history of practical jokes, right back to the days of Christ, when Jeremiah Beadle convinced Joseph that the only accomodation left in town was a stable. RETURN An experience of sheer terror. Here's some advice for when you want to return goods to their place of purchase. - Find the receipt. Okay, so you only bought your product X yesterday, the shop you bought it from probably only sells an X once in a blue moon and the shopkeeper in question has known you personally for a period of decades. But severe paranoia about the shop's denial of any knowledge of product X means you must have the receipt with you when you stroll in the door to have any confidence or strength when you begin with the words "I bought this yesterday..." (See Receipt). - Find the bag that your product X came in, which naturally has the shop's logo plastered all over it. Failing this, you should try and find another bag, from a different time you went to that particular shop. No, it doesn't really make sense, just don't worry about it. - When you get to the shop, radiate confidence. For some reason, whenever I'm in this situation I get pangs of guilt going through my mind... "You don't really need to return it! It works okay if you hold it at a 30 degree angle! Don't be so petty! It only singed a bit of the carpet! Only the garden shed burnt down! It didn't fry the whole family! You've got a nerve, daring to declare the manufacturers to have failed in their goal of trying to bring you the perfect product X! They'll probably shed jobs over this! And you'll be personally responsible for the decline of dozens of families, and the eventual joint suicide of the workers at the ruined site of the bankrupt factory." - If you're going to even think about mentioning refunds, take along proof of identity, a shotgun, several lawyers, and all of the above. RHETORICAL Well if you didn't want an answer, why did you bother asking a question? It's that kind of behaviour that leads to extreme irritation and eventual violence involving a jack-hammer, three bananas in various orifices and strangulation with a vacuum cleaner hose. ROLLERBLADING By far the most fashionable way to injure yourself at the moment. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The clouds disperse. Your eyes open again. Ah, so that Toxic Custard was just a dream. That's a relief. Back- issues are available by ftp; just email here for details! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen -- Daniel Bowen, NTC Systems------| Telecom Australia is Telecom Australia, Melbourne---| not responsible for dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au-| the complete crap that TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu| spouts from my brain. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ the Toxic Custard Workshop Files by Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided this notice remains intact. For subscription information, contact tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu