**************************************************************************** ### # # ### ##### ## # # # ## ## # # ### ##### ## ### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### # # # # # # # # # ## # #### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### # ## # # # ## ## ## ### # # # # # ### ____________________________________________________________________________ # # ### #### # # #### # # ### #### ##### # # ##### #### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### ### ##### # # #### ##### # # ##### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### ### # # # # #### # # ### # # # ##### ##### #### ***************************THE BACK ISSUES********************************** *********************PARTS SIXTY-ONE TO SIXTY-FIVE************************** (Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia) ______________________________________________________________________________ ENTIRELY WHOLESOME TOXIC CUSTARD And on the eigth day, which was a Monday if I remember rightly, the Lord did have the computer installed, so he could keep track of everything. ### ### --##---------#####------TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-#61------Chop a tree ## ##### ### 9th September 1991AD \ down today ######## ### ### Written by Daniel Bowen \ for a ### ### #### (tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu) \ brighter -############----#######-----------------------------------------tomorrow A s Massive Systems FBC (Fucking Big Computer) (vahalla.cc.heaven.rel) tty01 I login: peter password: s i Last successful login about 5 minutes ago on tty01 t , Welcome to MS FBC, WeetabIX V4.23 Licensed to Heaven w 2 User(s) Running at 493,383 MIPS r User peter logged in at 20:27:17 UTC on 15 Sep 2093AD i t **************************************************** i Users please note that e-mail from outside heaven n will be delayed, due to maintenance on the Pearly g gateway. Also be aware of attempted break-ins into this system from brimstone.cc.hell.rel a **************************************************** n Today's thought: There are no razor blades in heaven o That's why we all have beards. (God) t **************************************************** h e heaven% who r god console Jan 1 0ABB 00:00 peter tty01 Sep 15 2093AD 20:27 s t heaven% dbms u p DATABASE OF MORTAL SINS v0.8 (Beta Test Site) i ----------------------------------------------- d Main menu: s 1.. Create a new life record (birth) i 2.. Edit life record d 3.. Cast person and delete record (death) e 9.. Shutdown system - Armageddon routines (password required) w a Enter option: 3 y s 3 - CAST PERSON m Enter surname: Bowen Enter given names: Daniel Francis e s Retrieving record... s - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - a Name: Daniel Francis Bowen Record no.: Earth/27081970A/47264 g DOB: 27/08/1970AD DOD: 15/09/2093AD e IQ: 67 Death: Smog suffocation , Events of life under consideration: I 0001- Hit sister with gumboot. (1972AD) 0002- Once stole 20 cents from the family telephone money box. (1979AD) w 0003- Enjoyed "The Life of Brian" several times (1986AD-2090AD) o 0004- Wrote "Toxic Custard Workshop Files", containing jokes about the n Church, and later making an obscene amount of money into the d bargain. (1990AD-2047AD) e 0005- Owned a Filofax. (1991AD-1996AD) r 0006+ Awarded "Wonderful Human Being" award. (1997AD) 0007+ Donated large amounts of profits to worthy charities, including w Salvation Army and Public Transport Corporation. (1995AD-2092AD) h y Good: 2 Bad: 5 Total: 7 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - b o Please wait.. determining destination. t h Destination determined: Hell - determining life event/s: 0004 e r **Manual override from user god** . Destination re-determined: Heaven A Message from god (console) - TCWF? I kinda liked it! n y - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - b o The man hammered on the front door d So we hastily hid on the floor. y He quietly demanded our cash, While we carefully hid all the stash. g o A silence in the air dispelled t "Open the fucking door", he yelled. We all pretended not to be there, a Quietly opened the window to let in some air. n y It was round about then he saw the smoke. He breathed it in, but didn't choke. g It came out our window, he mellowed out. o What were we burning? There was no doubt. o d The man went away, and crashed his Merc. It was lucky there was no-one hurt. s Now he comes every week- tenants beware u Every week he comes, to breathe in the "air". g - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - g e Following up their hugely unsuccessful "Pommy" heavy-metal opera, s Megabogue will shortly begin their "We Need The Money" tour. Band t occasional-spokesman Bonk Mee told reporters that tour budgets have i already been worked out, including fan funeral and stadium destruction o insurance. "This tour will be something else!", he declared. Megabogue n will kick off their tour at Chisholm hall on Thursday September 19th s (what a subtle plug!), in front of a crowd of people who will be ? expecting something else. Bonk also complained that Megabogue were totally ignored at the MTV awards, purely because they didn't do a music video. P l ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ e Back issues are available.. e-mail for details. a ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ s Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen e -- ? Daniel Bowen, Monash University | If you thought cars were Melbourne, Australia | a form of penis extension.. ---------------------------------| ever tried driving a semi- TCWF -- tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | trailer? Or a road-train? ______________________________________________________________________________ NUCLEAR-FREE TOXIC CUSTARD Is this a Shakespeare parody that I see before me? No! It's just... ____ |____ ____| TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES #62 - 16/9/91 |____| |____ Written in a tearing hurry by Daniel Bowen ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Ever been to a school reunion? A night of seeing people you remember Y ("Charles! Mate! How you been, what you been up to?"), trying to guess e the names of people you think you remember ("Oh.. it's.. erm.. you! How s you been, what you been up to?"), being remembered by other people who , you don't remember ("Erm.. yeah, of course I remember you! .. erm.. anyway, How you been, what you been up to?" while thinking "who the r hell is this?"), and, of course, seeing if other people remember you e ("Leanne! Hi! .. Remember me? ... No?... Daniel.. Yeah, Daniel.. Yeah, a that's right! How you been, what you been up to?"). And of course, you d can get embarassed at all the old photos. e r - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - s , -I've come to pick up my photos. i -Ah yes.. what was the name? t ' -When? 1273 BC? s -When you put the photos in to be processed. t r -Oh.. Smith. u e -Of course. And your first name? Otherwise we'll be here all day, . looking through a pile of seventy-six sets of holiday snaps taken by . seventy-six different Smith families on their boring holidays to Great . Keppel Island for a fortnight one Summer two years ago that they haven't bothered to pick-up yet because they know very well that t they'll have to stand around all day while we look through the pile of h seventy-six sets of holiday snaps taken by seventy-six Smith families i on their boring holidays to Great Keppel Island. s -Fred. w a -Fred Smith? Pleased to meet you! I'm sure I haven't heard of you, you s insignificant little nobody! Would you mind terribly much if I didn't ask for your autograph? I'll just find your photos. They're probably w among the seventy-six sets of holiday snaps taken by seventy-six Smith r families on their boring holidays to Great Keppel two years ago. i t -Okay. I'll wait. t e -Well, you'd better, or you won't get to see them. Back in a minute. n -Right.. i n [forty minutes later] a -I'm sorry, they appear to have been lost. h -Lost? But.. How? u r -Well, that's what happens when we have seventy-six sets of photographs r under the name of Smith from their holidays on Great Keppel Island one y Summer two years ago. Things get lost. I do sympathise with you, they . must have been historic and memorable moments for you and your entire family. Thank you so much for entrusting us with your memories. Which W we've lost. Still, look at the good side-- if you leave the shop in the e next ten seconds, we won't charge you for it. Oh! Just a moment.. found l them! Here they are! Take a look! l , -Hmm.. yes.. these are mine. Hey.. I remember that! The cat looks a little out of focus.. I never did know which dial was the.. oh m dear.. that one's a bit blurred.. and the cat's head got cut off. o Naughty old Michael with his hedge-clippers, dear dear dear. Look s at that.. see? That's where the RSPCA man hit Michael. Serves him t right. Not quite enough light in that one. Oh, there's a big black streak across the one of the policeman taking Michael away.. o f -Yes, that was a mechanical fault, we were having the processing machine erm.. processed, at the time. i t -Ah. This one with the grubby fingerprints.. , -Yes, the mechanic reached into where the photos were.. dirt also got a onto some other photos from a family called Smith, from their holidays n on Great Keppel two years ago.. y w -Oh.. Anyway, in this one Michael had punched the policeman and run a off down the street, with the police car and me and my camera in y hot pursuit. Hmm.. looks like the vertical-hold needed adjusting. . -We'd better wrap this up and think of a punchline so you can piss off Y out of my shop and I can go and have some lunch. o u -Indeed. How much for the photos? c -$9.95. o u -Okay.. here you go. Oh, while I'm here, I'd forgotten about a set l of photos of the family up at Great Keppel on holiday, about two d years ago... t ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ e It is your misfortune/privilege* to have reached the end of l another hilarious/stupid* episode of the Toxic Custard l Workshop Files. Back-issues are now available.. , e-mail/vomit* for details. (Delete where inapplicable) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ c o Well, can we really define "end"? The term "end" is so often u misconstrued as the final apocalypse, when it may in fact be merely the l transfer of the life-force to better and greater things. When looking d at the cycle of life, it's important to realise these things. n ' -- t Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen -- y Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Monash Comedy Revue! This Thursday, o Melbourne, Australia | 19th September at Monash Caulfield! u ---------------------------------| Your only chance to see Megabogue ? TCWF -- tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | LIVE in concert!! ______________________________________________________________________________ VITAMIN ENRICHED TOXIC CUSTARD ### ####### TOXIC Number 63 - 23rd September 1991 ### ####### ### ### CUSTARD by Daniel Bowen .-----------------. ##### ### ### WORKSHOP (tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu) | megabogue's | ### #### ### ### FILES | POMMY | -----#######---#######-------------------------------------| Coming soon | `--------MoccaSIN-' CANNIBALISM AT MONASH CLAYTON The Cannibalism Party has launched its appeal for votes (please!!!) for H the forthcoming Monash Clayton student elections. Author's sister and m Housing and Transport Committee candidate Susannah Bowen said on a m campaign leaflet that "the only easy, cheap solution to the current . overcrowding on buses, in Halls of Residence and throughout Monash is . cannibalism." She would not deny that she doesn't actually want the job, and would not comment when not asked if her party's ideas were n influenced by the circulation of the "American Psycho" book around the u campus. Ms Bowen's brother and incredible superhuman goodguy Daniel was m expected at the time of writing to stop writing this bit any moment b now, and to go on to write something funnier. We hope. e - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - r The giant boulder came speeding down the corridor, crushing all in its 6 path as it bore down on him, faster and faster. 3 "Well, fuck me!" he exclaimed. "Granite, wouldn't you say, Doctor?" . "It's hard to say from this distance", replied Doctor Wedge, who . for convenience sake had lost his accent. "Perhaps as it squashes us flat, I could scoop a sample out of it for analysis?" T They stood for several seconds, watching it rolling down the e corridor towards them. You had to admit, they were being very cool r about it. But then, *Popsicle* was always cool about things. The Doctor r was too, usually because he didn't know what was going on. i *Popsicle* decided that this might be a good time to cease being f cool about things, and be quite alarmed about things, otherwise there i was a good chance that were the boulder to get much closer, they would c both be flat about things. . "Shhhiiiiiiiittt!" remarked *Popsicle* extremely uncoolly, as he flung the Doctor out of the way of the boulder and dived for cover, P unfortunately in the direction of a rather inconveniently placed o dung-heap. "Well, that's another cheap suit ruined", said *Popsicle*, p crawling out of the mire just in time to see the boulder disappearing s off into the distance, and noting that it was bright red; a somewhat i odd colour for a giant granite boulder. Though he had to admit, he c thought to himself (and to whoever was reading), that the simple l occurence of the boulder rolling down the corridor like that was fairly e odd itself, especially as they were in fact somewhere in F block at Monash University's Caulfield campus. He could only assume that it was h in fact a rather overdone piece of ceramics, which had rolled out of a the fine arts building. t *Popsicle* noted with superhuman suspicion that he appeared in the h current issue of the student newspaper (get your copy today, folks!), then went to collect the Doctor, who, having landed on the floor in one r of the rooms, was examining the texture of the carpet, and singing to e himself an old carpet-laying shanty. t u "Oh we come with our carpet, hoo-hoo-hooray! r And our hammer and nails, all ready to lay! n We'll lay all your carpet in less than a day! e But if we don't get paid, then we'll take it away! t h "*Popsicle*, I may be old and senile, and earning too much money e from the establishment, but even I can see that the hand you are d holding out to me is covered in dung", continued the Doctor (and he was right). "You're filthy, why don't we go and have a shower?" t "I will. You can keep examining the floor", replied *Popsicle*, h pushing Doc Wedge back to it for a closer look. i "Extraordinary.." said the Doctor when Popsicle got back. "This s carpet seems to be made of virgin wool." "Does that mean it's from a sheep that's never been shagged?" i "We're moving towards shag pile jokes, shall we continue this s dialogue another time?" s "Yes, good idea." u So they did. e - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - . . - G'day Lenny. . - Inspector Sideburn.. what do you want? a i - Heard any good concertos lately? n ' - P..pardon? t - I said, have you heard any good concertos lately? t h - Look, I don't need this. I don't need the law coming round a here and hassling me about concertos. I haven't heard anything. t - C'mon Lenny, we know there's been activity in this neighbourhood. g There's been three violin soloists in just the past week! r e - I don't know nothing about it. a t - You? Huh.. don't think I've forgotten about that little stretch you ? did for those armed symphonies a couple of years back. And we never found the lute. I haven't forgotten. I'm sharper than you think. N o - Look Sideburn, I haven't heard anything, honest. I've gone , quiet since clink. n - Well, maybe, Lenny.. but remember this. If I get a whiff of so much o as a tune-up, I'll be down on you like a grand-piano. I'm the law here, t and I'm not having any orchestras on my ground. Clear? r ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ e This has been a not-quite-as-rushed-as-the-last-one edition a of the Toxic Custard Workshop Files. Back issues are l available; e-mail edb134tbp2@vx24.cc.monash.edu for details. l ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ y -- . Daniel Francis Bowen, Monash | LEGALISE CANNIBALISM NOW! University, Melbourne, Australia | ---------------------------------| Monash (Clayton) Elections TCWF -- tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | Vote 1 CANNIBALISM, for a tastier tomorrow _ __ __ _ /\_/ \__/ \___/ \__/ \_/\ .-Megabogue's heavy-metal opera-------. /\/ \_/ \__POMMY__/ \_/ \/\ | masterpiece "Pommy" is coming soon. | \/\_/ \__/megabogue\__/ \_/\/ | | /\/ \_/ \__/ \__/ \_/ \/\ | | \/\_/ \__/ \___/ \__/ \_/\/ | First single - "Brick Wall Painter" | /\/ \_/ \__/ \__/ \_/ \/\ | out Monday 30th September | \/\_/ \__/ \___/ \__/ \_/\/ | | \/ \_/ \__/ \__/ \_/ \/ `--------------------MoccaSIN Records-' ______________________________________________________________________________ ______ ______ | \ / | (Dah.. dah dah.. dah dah.. dah dah.. dah.. dah dah | \/ | .. dah dah dah dah dah .. dah.. dah dah.. dah dah dah | *** *** dah.. dah dah dah dah!) | |\ /*** ** | | \/ | * ** Welcome back to MTC. And now a big world |_____| |_*___**** premiere. From their forthcoming heavy MUSIC TOXIC CUSTARD metal opera "Pommy", this is Megabogue, Number 64 - 30/9/91 with "Brick Wall Painter." by Daniel Bowen J ------------------- u s Ever since I was a young boy, Megabogue t I've sprayed phones in the mall. "Brick Wall Painter" From Footscray to Beaumaris Pommy h I must have sprayed them all. MoccaSIN o w But I ain't seen anything like him, In any children's court... d That deaf dumb and blind bogue o Sure paints a mean brick wall! e s He's a brick wall painter Next on MTC: News He has to be a twit. m A brick wall painter, y He's really such a git. b Why do you think he does it? I don't know! r What is the appeal? a i Rejection of society, n Or something deep like that, That's what the doctors tell us w But it's a load of crap. o He's really just a vandal, Megabogue r And very bad at that... "Brick Wall Painter" k That deaf dumb and blind bogue Pommy ? What a stupid twat! MoccaSIN W - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - h o And now for some MTC News, and first of all, architecture. c The new Lee Ning tower, which was deliberately built to tilt on an a angle of 3 degrees (or 37.4 Fahrenheit) has been brought by Pizza Hut n to be their new world headquarters. You can probably guess what they're going to call it. The police department rejected the building earlier t in the month because it wasn't bent. Besides, they didn't get around to e looking at tenders; they were too busy watching the AFL Grand Final. l - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - l ? And here comes Hawthorn's half-back Tuck with the ball, a drop punt to centre half-forward where Brereton's waiting, what a mark! No, sorry, W what a Dermott! He handpasses straight to Jarman, who was momentarily e blinded by light reflecting off two hundred Eagles supporters' yellow l caps in the grandstand nearby. Never mind, they'll be wishing they l never heard of football once the game's over and Hawthorn has won by , the predicted 53 points. Jarman falls over in a daze as Lockyer for the Eagles grabs the I ball, only to be set upon by ten surrounding Hawthorn players, and the umpire stops play for a bounce, due to the confusion over possession, c and to confuse any overseas viewers who don't understand the rules. The a ball is knocked out by the Eagles' Pyke, who is then knocked out by n Platten, who is still in a mean mood after pranging the car last week. , Condon grabs the ball for Hawthorn, and kicks to Brereton, another mark for Brereton who if he touched his own balls as much as he's a touched this one during the game, would be completely blind already. c And I bet we get castrated by the broadcasting tribunal for that one. t Brereton lines up with goal.. he kicks McIntosh in the shin before u kicking the ball between the two big posts down at the end of the a ground there.. Another goal for Hawthorn, and the Hawthorn fans up a l notch in enthusiasm, and the Eagles fans go down a notch in depression. l That makes the score 19 18 to 13 7, or for Australian viewers, who y probably can't handle the multiplication, and anyone who doesn't . understand the weird scoring system, Hawthorn lead the Eagles 132 to 86. And now we'll take a quick thirty second commercial break so we can T pay for this telecast and be back just a bit too late to miss the next h bounce of the ball. e - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - a DIARY MONDAY 30TH SEPTEMBER n s Got up. Stretched quite a lot. Purred a bit. Went to back door to go w outside to relieve myself. It was raining, so I tried the front e instead. I asked Owner#1 to turn off the rain and make it a bit warmer r out there, but he didn't do anything. And he seemed angry that I didn't want to go out after all. Who wants to go out for a crap when it's i freezing cold? The Owners manage to keep the weather inside house warm s enough, and turn on the suns on and off, so why won't they do it for , me, when I want to go out? In the afternoon, when it had stopped raining, I decided to get i Owner#2 a peace offering. I found her a very nice fresh bird, but she t just made a noise and gestured at me to get rid of it. I tried to insist, but then Owner#1 came and put it in the container thing in the d corner. I tried to get it back out again, but couldn't reach up to the o opening. e I complained about dinner while Owner#2 was getting it ready for s me. I must have said "I don't want that bloody Whiskas muck again" a n hundred times, but did she listen? No! When will they get used to the ' fact that I'm sick of Sardine And Salmon? t After dinner I went out to watch the lights going past along the . black thing. Funny how those lights usually go past in pairs. I knew there was a storm coming, so I tried to get back inside. The Owners I were watching their box, so I had to shout at the window for a while before they let me in. They took their bloody time, I was soaking wet t by the time they opened the door for me. Still, I thanked them anyway, h by rubbing myself on their legs in appreciation. i n ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ k In a further setback to the whole of humanity today, you . have just been reading another of the Toxic Custard Workshop . Files. Back-issues are available; reply to this, or e-mail . tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen. -- Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Toxic Custard Workshop Files Melbourne, Australia--------------| tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu ----------------------------------|-------------------------------- | Why are historians so backward? ______________________________________________________________________________ _____ _____ | | TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES 65 7th October 1991 |_____ |____ `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'` \ \ \ Written by Daniel Bowen \____\ ____\---------------------------------------------------------- The brain-drain has hit. A You could tell, couldn't you? Don't answer that. It's basically a c consequence of assignments. The history of assignments goes back to the t 17th century, when 16th century born French scholar and right bastard u Francois De'Crepit thought he'd piss his students off completely by a setting numerous numbers of theoretically useful but practically l useless exercises all due in a two week period about two thirds of the l way through what was to become known as the semester. He also developed y long sentences that had to be read at least twice before they made any , sense like the previous one made any sense like the previous one. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - t h We live on a most remarkable planet. It's really very nice. Seen any of e it lately? Anyway, we all know that birds fly south for the winter. So what do birds down here in the southern hemisphere do? Maybe they fly b further south. No, then they'd end up in Antarctica (Americans read r "Andardigger"). So.. in winter, what do birds native to Antarctica do? a Yeah, the penguins. Perhaps they waddle south. They wouldn't get very i far. And they'd never come back; it's always winter at the poles. n - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - d CRIME STOPPERS: WANTED r James Wanton, 17 years old, 175 centimetres tall, wanted for not making a his bed this morning, leaving an assortment of unwashed dishes in his i bedroom, leaving his socks and underpants on the floor, and generally n treating the place like a hotel. If you know his whereabouts, you may be eligible for a reward of up to $1000 while remaining anonymous. Ring i Crime Stoppers on 865-5000. s - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - s We would like to appeal to all parents who own ferocious dogs - please o think before leaving the dog near the baby. Wouldn't it be better to leave the baby outside the house? Or better still, have it adopted out. b Babies can be quite dangerous.. you wouldn't want your best friend to a get bitten, now, would you? d - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - t Hello, I'd like to have a look at the Bowater shoes for $49 in the h window. i s - Certainly sir. I'll just get them. What size? w Oh.. erm.. It should say on the bottom of my old shoes.. I'll just e twist my foot around to get a look at them. hmm.. can't quite make it e out, it seems to have rubbed off.. I'll take a guess at nine. k , - Here you are sir, size nine. Please, try them on. My God, what are they? I My socks. At least, that's what they smell like. c a - Yeuch, how absolutely revolting. You'll just have to sign n this shoe-damage liability form. If any irremovable stains or ' smells get left in our shoes, we have the right to sue you. So t there. Thank you. t Thanks. Hmm, I'll just go for a walk in them. h i - So, trying to steal our shoes, are you? We'll see about that! n k No no, I just want to see how they fit. o - Huh, sure! I'm ringing the pigs! f No no, please! Look, they seem to almost fit. I mean, I can feel my big a toes being crushed to a pulp, and my heels are about to burst out the n back, and I'm not sure the circulation is getting all the way around, y you'd better call an ambulance before my feet fall off. Not bad, in t all. I'll buy them. h i - Okay. That'll be $98 please. n g $98? They're in the window for $49! t - That's $49 per shoe. o $49 per shoe?!? w r - Yes. We do have a third off all prices today, but as you i appear to be a horrible mutant monster with green stalks for t eyes (eighty of them), several dozen tentacles, with pus e spurting out of the top of your head (who wrote this stuff, I feel ill), and three legs, it will be $98. d o Oh. Here you are then, $98. w n - Thank you sir. Now get out and never grace this shop with your aroma again. t h ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ e From the man they called "Oi, you dickhead!" - you have been reading yet another mouth-sized splodge of a production from s the Toxic Custard Workshop Files. Back-issues are available; i reply to this thing 'ere, or e-mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for d details. If you're superlatively unlucky. e ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ . Is tennis the work of the devil? Take a look, for instance, at the scores---> S. Edberg 6 6 6 B. Gilbert 2 2 2 -- Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen. -- Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Toxic Custard Workshop Files Melbourne, Australia+------------| tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu --------------------+ |-------------------------------- | All the world's a custard.. _______________________________________________________________________________ To subscribe to the Toxic Custard Workshop Files, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu -- Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen May be copied or reproduced without permission provided this notice remains intact. -- Daniel Francis Bowen | Remember - jumpers are Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | clothing's way of telling ----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----| you to pull over... tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | [Toxic Custard Workshop]