|----------------------------------------------------------------------------| | ____ _ _____ _ ____ | | | _ \ ___| |_ ___ _ __ | ___| _ _ __ | | __ | _ \ _ __ ___ ___ ___ | | | |_) / _ \ __/ _ \ '__| | |_ | | | | '_ \| |/ / | |_) | '__/ _ \/ __/ __| | | | __/ __/ || __/ | | _|| |_| | | | | < | __/| | | __/\__ \__ \ | | |_| \___|\__\___|_| |_| \__,_|_| |_|_|\_\ |_| |_| \___||___/___/ | |----------------------------------------------------------------------------| | Vol 8 ********* Gratis | |============================================================================| WHITE HOUSE GUMPED Washington (PETER FUNK PRESS) Forrest Gump appeared at a White House reception this morning to accept the Presidential Medal of Freedom, which he won for becoming a role model of the American people. In the past year he has exhibited the characters that Americans admire most in people: By accident, he became rich, famous and starred in a movie of his own life. Americans especially revere his ability to accomplish this despite possessing the intelligence of a potato. Gump has such low a intelligence he once asked someone which direction he should look to find the sky. Upon receiving the medal from First Lady Hillary Rodham-Clinton, Gump gave an acceptance speech in which he thanked President Clinton and his wife for the medal. He said he didn't know what he would do with the medal but it looked as if it would make a great drink coaster. Gump also laced his speech with Gumpisms, maxims of wisdom his mother taught him as a child such as "A bird in the hand will poop on your palm."; "Don't pee on strangers when you first meet them and you will make a much better impression."; "If you look in the mirror and don't like what you see, be confident and stop looking in mirrors." Gump said he lived his life according to these sayings and if every American lived by them they all would win their own Presidential Medal of Freedom. Gump also recalled in his speech his visit to the White House in the 60s to accept the Congressional Medal of Honor for his valor in the Vietnam War. At this medal ceremony, Gump shook hands with President Lyndon Johnson, and he asked Johnson if he would like to see the war wound on his butt. Johnson declined but sent Gump over to Vice-President Humphrey's office, saying to Gump, "Have Hubert look at it. In my administration, he handles that kind of stuff." Gump ended his speech by saying, "Me, getting this medal just proves this is the greatest country in the world. Hey, what country are we in anyway." President Clinton did not attend the ceremony. He had an important strategy session with his advisors concerning foreign policy. The White House, however, provided one of his digital images, filename President- Clinton92.mov, the same image that plays the saxophone and tells anxious Americans, "I feel your pain. I have hemorrhoids you know." Nevertheless, President Clinton called Gump on the phone from the strategy room of the White House to congratulate him. In their conversation, Clinton told Gump they had a lot in common. For instance, they both came from the South and slept with women outside of marriage. Unfortunately, Gump couldn't hear the President's comments because a raucous Can-Can revue high-kicked its way around Clinton and his advisors as they planned their next foreign policy maneuver. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- PANETTA GUMPSIZES THE WHITE HOUSE Washington (PETER FUNK PRESS) White House Chief of Staff Leon Panetta surprised political commentators and prognosticators and appointed Forrest Gump domestic policy advisor to President Clinton as part of the long expected shakeup of the White House staff. Panetta hoped Gump's presence in the White House would boost Clinton's plunging approval ratings. Clinton has dropped so low in the popularity that a recent poll by Harangue and Imbroglio Associates, conducted to discover what Americans hate most, found President Clinton came in third as the most hated thing in America with only snakes (1) and big turds (2) surpassing him, and with only two more responses for Clinton he would have beaten out large turds. Gump will have several jobs as domestic policy advisor to the President, the primary one will be standing next to the President with his arm around him in every photo opportunity possible. His other domestic policy duties include maintaining the White House chocolates, jogging for Clinton, changing the kitty litter of Socks, the Clinton's cat, and watching the Lincoln bedroom so no tourists try to walk off with it. Panetta also wanted to fire Dee Dee Myers, the White House spokesperson, as part of the shakeup, but the President overruled him after Myers met with the President privately. In an emotional meeting, in which Meyers cried and threatened to hold her breath until she turned blue she convinced the President to let her remain on the job. The President said he felt Dee Dee's pain and rescinded Panetta's decision. Later, a humiliated Panetta met with the President privately and threatened to hold his breath until he turned blue unless the President allowed him to fire Meyers. Clinton said he felt Panetta's pain and got down on his knees and begged for Panetta's forgiveness. He promised Panetta he would make it up to him. "I'll tell you what Leon," he said, "if anyone ever gives you a hard time I'll have the CIA kill him for you." "I'd rather have your office," replied Panetta. "It's yours Leon. I'll move into the White House bowling alley and set up my office there." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- DAN QUAYLE DUMPS ON GUMP AND PICKS HIS OWN GUMPIAN Virginity (PETER FUNK PRESS) Former VP Dan Quayle and possible Presidential candidate, once his wife Marilyn whinnies her permission, told a local chapter of the Christian Coalition that Clinton's selection of Forrest Gump for domestic affairs advisor "was a cheap political trick that would backfire on him." The organization met in Virginity, Virginia to discuss their political agenda once the Republican Party regains the Presidency, particularly how they would exorcise the demons that have taken up residence in the White House since the Clintons have moved there. Quayle told the organization that in this time of moral crisis with divorce, illegitimacy, and rampant crime we need people of exemplary character in the White House like me, my wife Marilyn, and our two sons Wally and Beaver Cleaver. Quayle called Gump a moral reprobate. He told the Christian Coalition that in the film _Forrest Gump_ Gump has a child out of wedlock with a 60s ex-hippie, ex-drug addict, who eventually dies of AIDS. He contracts AIDS from her, moves to Philadelphia, gets a job as a hotshot lawyer for a prestigious law firm just so he can sue them for discrimination when they fire him for having AIDS. Gump's moral failings do not surprise Quayle, considering he came from a single parent home. His mother even slept with a school administrator to get Gump into a mainstream classroom despite Gump's low intelligence. The Christian Coalition took Quayle's criticisms seriously. They love the way he attacks Hollywood and respect him for becoming the first politician to base a political philosophy on the condemnation of a TV fictional character, Murphy Brown. Even political scholars consider him the best politician of any political persuasion at campaigning against fictional characters. To counter Clinton's selection of Gump as domestic policy advisor, Quayle said he would choose Chauncy Gardiner, a fictional character from the film _Being There_ as his Vice-President. Quayle says Gardiner has the "sperience" to do the job, for in the film _Being There_, Gardiner would have become Vice President to an unnamed fictional President if the film had not ended. The Christian Coalition cheered and applauded his proposal. Just as the applause died down, a bolt of lightning flashed and thunder cracked in the distance. "A sign!" a member cried. "Yes, it is a sign!" another bellowed. Other members stood and yelled, "Praise the Lord!" Then, one man jumped to his feet and screamed, "I am cured. I can swallow again!" and he ran out of the auditorium to the nearest tavern and got wasted. Quayle's choice seems very cunning, for Gardiner probably has less intelligence than Gump. Gardiner also has conservative economic beliefs based on gardening techniques. He believes the government can stop inflation by dumping huge amounts of herbicide on it, improve the productivity of workers by watering them once a day, and raise wages by spreading manure on the profits of businesses. Quayle says Gardiner also has a high moral character. For instance, he refuses to sleep with Shirley McLaine in the film _Being There_. She plays the character EE, a married woman, who throws herself at Gardiner. According to Quayle, this will give Gardiner even more credibility with conservatives like himself because McLaine, a liberal, has lived many times before and learned all sorts of wanton, dissolute sexual practices from living previous lives as Cleopatra, Caligula, Queen Victoria, Bismarck, Elizabeth Taylor, and Michael Jackson. Quayle believes Gardiner will probably accept the job of Vice- President if he gets a big screen television and a remote control. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- WHITE HOUSE INSTALLS GUMP DEFENSE AGAINST HAITI Washington (PETER FUNK PRESS) After General Cedras watched CNN news broadcasts and learned how Dee Dee Myers kept her job as White House spokesperson, he warned President Clinton he would hold his breath until he turned blue if Clinton did not recall US military forces and let him remain as President of Haiti. At a meeting with General Shelton, the leader of US forces in Haiti, Cedras told Shelton he wants to come to Washington, meet President Clinton privately and tell him, "I no longer have a job. My country is occupied. Man, am I in great pain. You wouldn't believe the pain I'm in." Then he would threaten to hold his breath until he turns blue. President Clinton has not commented on Cedras' threat. He has locked himself in his new office in the bowling alley of the White House and told his domestic policy advisor Forrest Gump to disregard Lincoln's bedroom and answer the White House front door. If anyone from Haiti knocks on the door, he said, tell them I am not home right now and won't return until the 1996 elections. Meanwhile, former President Jimmy Carter has become concerned about Cedras' provocation. He already has boarded a flight to Haiti to break the tension and give Cedras mouth to mouth resuscitation. =========================================================================== Entire contents Copyright (C) 1994 by Byron Lanning. All rights reserved. You cannot redistribute the _PETER FUNK PRESS_ without the permission of the author with exception that a single user may retrieve the _PETER FUNK PRESS_ from archives by anonymous FTP or through a Gopher and may send it to another single user through electronic mail other than an electronic mailing list such as Majordomo. Byron Lanning (swipe@well.sf.ca.us or blanning@crl.com) writes and electronically publishes the _PETER FUNK PRESS_. Inquiries and opinions welcome. _THE PETER FUNK PRESS_ appears approximately twice a month on the USENET newsgroups alt.zines, alt.journalism, and rec.humor; on The WELL in the conference Statements (stmt) topic 81 and in the Zines Conference (F5) on the ezine menu; on Compuserve in the Cyber Forum in Cyberlit/Zines; on America Online in the PDA Forum (keyword PDA), Mac users choose the Ezine library button but PC users select "Palmtop Paperbacks" then select the "Ezine libraries" folder, from there Mac and PC users choose "Humor" then "Other humor." You also can collect it by anonymous FTP from ftp.crl.com in users/ro/blanning and at etext.archive.umich.edu in pub/Zines/FunkPress. ===========================================================================