|----------------------------------------------------------------------------| | ____ _ _____ _ ____ | | | _ \ ___| |_ ___ _ __ | ___| _ _ __ | | __ | _ \ _ __ ___ ___ ___ | | | |_) / _ \ __/ _ \ '__| | |_ | | | | '_ \| |/ / | |_) | '__/ _ \/ __/ __| | | | __/ __/ || __/ | | _|| |_| | | | | < | __/| | | __/\__ \__ \ | | |_| \___|\__\___|_| |_| \__,_|_| |_|_|\_\ |_| |_| \___||___/___/ | |----------------------------------------------------------------------------| | Vol 5 ********* Gratis | |============================================================================| SPERM BANK BECOMES IMPOTENT San Francisco (PETER FUNK PRESS). Today, The First National Sperm Bank of San Francisco declared itself impotent and closed its doors. Within an hour of the closing, a crowd of about 500 of the bank's depositors, mostly men, gathered around First National's front door, demanding the return of their sperm deposits. They hurled plastic bags full of 2% milk at the building and chanted over and over "Return my sperm!" When the bank refused to open its doors, the crowd became violent and tried to break into the bank. First National bank managers then called the police who broke up the enraged crowd with tear gas and saltpeter. Samaritan Bootlick, a fertility expert from the Congress of Copious and Gala Fertility (CCGF), says the bank's failure exemplifies the problems of the sperm bank industry, and he predicts more sperm bank failures in the future. He has even suggested a fertility panic, a run on sperm banks, and the collapse of the entire sperm industry unless the federal government intervenes. The problems of First National Sperm Bank of San Francisco began when its young and aggressive manager Moot Protege invested the bank's sperm reserves in venture fertility schemes. The bank suffered incredible losses in these high risk investments. For instance, First National lost 50,000 units of sperm in a venture to improve the efficacy of sperm by teaching them the crawl stroke and the scissors kick. However, it failed when the sperm could only learn to dog paddle very fast. Even though this venture scheme cast doubt on the ability of sperm to learn, First National continued to invest in such projects and lost more than 300,000 units of sperm in ventures to teach sperm things like assertive training and dead reckoning. The bank lost another 10,000 units of sperm in a eugenics venture called Truth Justice and the American Way, run by a company called Hot Pants Associates. First Bank lent 10,000 units of sperm to Hot Pants, which used them to trade for 100 units of Superman's sperm. Hot Pants intended to inseminate American women for a fee and breed Americans that can fly. However, this project failed because confidence men sold Hot Pants Associates 100 units not of Superman's sperm but that of Alfred E. Newman. The death blow came to the bank when Protege, fearing the loss of his job, then tried to recoup the bank's sperm loss by his own fraud. He inflated First National's sperm reserves by buying billions of units of sperm whale sperm, depositing it in the vault, and registering it as human sperm. The inflated sperm reserves allowed First National to borrow sperm from other sperm banks and buy sperm on the open futures market. So long as the world spot sperm price rose Protege could pay off the interest on the loans; however, the world sperm price fell when the Chinese, desperate for foreign capital, went on a crash program to gather sperm from its population and dumped 50 billion units of sperm on the world market. The world spot sperm price dropped 30% in a week. First National couldn't meet its margin calls and Protege's entire scheme collapsed, forcing First National Sperm Bank of San Francisco to close its doors. Ironically, Samaritan Bootlick and the CCGF blame the federal government for the sperm bank industry's problems. They believe an act of Congress, the Ying Yang Act, laid the foundation for sperm banks to abuse regulations and engage in speculation. Passed in the middle of the night by Congress, the Ying Yang Act deregulated the sperm bank industry, enabling sperm banks to extend their intercourse into risky enterprises. Bootlick says the act favors speculation, and the Congress should reverse it before the entire sperm industry collapses, forcing an immense federal bailout in which every able-bodied American man will have to donate some of his sperm to save the sperm bank industry from certain ruin. =========================================================================== Entire contents Copyright (C) 1994 by Byron Lanning. All rights reserved. You cannot redistribute the _PETER FUNK PRESS_ without the written permission of the author with exception that a single user may retrieve the _PETER FUNK PRESS_ from archives by anonymous FTP or through a Gopher and may send it to another single user through electronic mail other than an electronic mailing list such as Majordomo. Byron Lanning (swipe@well.sf.ca.us or blanning@crl.com) writes and electronically publishes the _PETER FUNK PRESS_. Inquiries and opinions welcome.