|----------------------------------------------------------------------------| | ____ _ _____ _ ____ | | | _ \ ___| |_ ___ _ __ | ___| _ _ __ | | __ | _ \ _ __ ___ ___ ___ | | | |_) / _ \ __/ _ \ '__| | |_ | | | | '_ \| |/ / | |_) | '__/ _ \/ __/ __| | | | __/ __/ || __/ | | _|| |_| | | | | < | __/| | | __/\__ \__ \ | | |_| \___|\__\___|_| |_| \__,_|_| |_|_|\_\ |_| |_| \___||___/___/ | |----------------------------------------------------------------------------| | Vol 3 ********* Gratis | |============================================================================| STILL WHITEWATER RUNS DEEP....NOT Washington (PETER FUNK PRESS) The marketing research firm Putz Putz Putz & Sneer came out with another poll the other day, which showed most Americans don't understand the Whitewater scandal very well. The firm polled 1005 Americans and a control group 36 very smart orangutans. The orangutans showed their intelligence by demonstrating they could pull a voting lever when rewarded with a banana, thus, proving they had the approximate intelligence of a registered American voter. Pollsters working for Putz Putz Putz & Sneer formulated the survey to discover what Americans know about the important questions concerning President Clinton's involvement in the Whitewater affair, specifically, what the President knew, when he didn't know it, and why his gut keeps expanding even though every time you turn on the television news you see him jogging someplace. The survey conducted by Putz Putz Putz & Sneer had one question: "In your opinion, what is this Whitewater stuff all about, true or false?". When the firm's statisticians equated the poll results to the general population of America, they presumed 63% of most Americans would answer the question true, the wrong answer, and 15% of most Americans would give the correct answer of false. The remaining 55% of most Americans would answer B, which stated that the Whitewater scandal consists of a secret plan concocted in the National Security Council to sell Iran to some generic hostages and with the profits hire etiquette expert Gennifer Flowers to help Hillary Clinton become more popular with the average American white male. In the secret plan, Flowers would make Hillary more popular to the average white male by teaching her to shut up once in a while, and when she did speak to wear red lipstick, purse her ruby-painted lips, talk in a high pitched, squeaky voice with her mouth open, and say, "Ooh ooh," in every sentence. For instance, when Ms. Clinton criticized the drug companies for price fixing, she should have said, "Ooh the drug companies must stop gouging the American people, ooh ooh. Stop it right now drug companies, ooh ooh." However, the plan did not come about because Gennifer Flowers demanded compensation in the form of an important cabinet position in the Clinton administration like Secretary of Push-Up Bras, but President Clinton refused to give it to her because, in a cunning political move to attract members of United We Stand, he already had picked Ross Perot for the job. Already, critics have questioned the results of the Whitewater poll. For instance, 32% of the orangutans in the control group gave the correct answer of false, more than twice as many Americans. Critics charge the poll used biased methods to acquire these results because the pollsters gave bananas to those orangutans which answered the question correctly. Putz Putz Putz & Sneer discounted the criticism. "If anything," said Garwood Raison-d'etre, the company's spokesman, "we favored the Americans in the poll because not only did we give the Americans bananas when they answered correctly but we also peeled the bananas for them." Critics also denounce the calculations done in the poll, for the results show 123% of the sample answered the question. Raison-d'etre calls this a small numerical aberration within the study's statistical margin of error. He said the 23% surplus meant nothing. "Why," he said, "we have such statistical aberrations all the time. He said the firm once received a $500,000 grant from the American Deciduous Leaves Cartel to find out what Americans think about twigs in their diet. With the grant money they sent out their pollsters who asked twelve average, deranged Americans, "Would you eat more twigs to increase the fiber in your diet if given the opportunity?" None of the twelve people in the sample answered the question. In fact, all twelve held up crucifixes to the faces of the pollsters and said, "Back you vampire back. Back to your coffin." Statisticians of Putz Putz Putz & Sneer then took this numerical anomaly of zero responses into account and through their patented methods of statistical interpretation they found 54% of most Americans would eat more twigs if they had enough barbecue sauce on them. In their next survey, Putz Putz Putz & Sneer will survey what the American people think of President Clinton's abdomen. It has become a controversial topic in the scientific community, and the scientists on The National Board of Blimps, Blubber-Guts and General Lardo in the Department of Health and Human Services have become very interested in it. The Board doesn't understand why Clinton has lost no weight despite all the jogging he does, but the White House Press corps, who jog with him, have lost so much weight they now weigh an average of 37.5 pounds each, the smallest average weight for a White House press corps since the International Bureau of Weights and Measures began keeping such statistics in 1952. Many scientists also say Clinton's expanding gut goes against the law of physics. For instance, a physicist at Stanford University Dr. Claymont Hempfever has studied this question and calculated Clinton has jogged a distance equal to two orbits of Saturn around the sun during his year and a half presidency; yet, to all empirical observations, his stomach has not decreased but increased in volume, mass, and kilometers. Hempfever speculates that Clinton's belly conforms to some unknown natural force in the universe, possibly an evil one such as the force that causes some of your socks to disappear whenever you do your laundry, or the one that causes people to flirt with dachshunds. =========================================================================== Entire contents Copyright (C) 1994 by Byron Lanning. All rights reserved. You cannot redistribute the _PETER FUNK PRESS_ without the written permission of the author with exception that a single user may retrieve the _PETER FUNK PRESS_ from archives by anonymous FTP or through a Gopher and may send it to another single user through electronic mail other than an electronic mailing list such as Majordomo. Byron Lanning (swipe@well.sf.ca.us or blanning@crl.com) writes and electronically publishes the _PETER FUNK PRESS_. Inquiries and opinions welcome.