.----------------------------------------------------------------------------. | ___________ __________ | | | |_____| \ | | | . | | . | | | | :_____| ____| | | | | | | ___|_ : | | | |_____| o |_o________/ o | | |____________| | | | | Really ELiTE Doodz Prezent : | | RED-015.TXT aka | | "Frequently Asked Questions About ReD" | | By : Black Francis | : "Better Living Through Stupidity." : . . WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ! *** Interview with Black Francis - Conducted on 01/05/95 by Phil McKraken *** WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ! P: "Hello, Francis. Uhm. Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?" B: "Huh? Oh! That. That's a banana. I've been saving that since lunch. Lemme get rid of that." P: "Let me start by asking; why did you start yet another t-file group?" B: "The idea came to me one night while on a wicked NyQuil high. Well, uhm, that's all I remember. Next thing I know, blam, I'm supposed to be the president of some stupid ass text-file group." P: "How does ReD come up with all these ideas? They're great!" B: "All lies in our weekly circle jerk brain-storming sessions. We got the idea from a small local group called SoP. Except, they have them daily." P: "Where do you find all of these writers?" B: "Uh. I don't. I'm actually every single one of them. Don't tell anyone, though." P: "What's your favorite ReD file?" B: "The unreleased one that's based entirely on my ass. It was never released because it was just too big. A text file over two megs is just a real bitch to upload everywhere." P: "When did you start using computers?" B: "Well, uhm.. I didn't really think you knew about that. I started with toasters. I started by sticking my penis in one of the slots, and then usually I'd switch it on to the pastry setting.. ooohhh, yes." P: "No. I mean, when did you start using computers as-in when did you start programming and writing with them and things like that." B: "Oh! Oh boy. Damn, is my face red! Anyway, I think when I was around six or something. I was the best damn logo programmer on the block." P: "What were some of the other names that you considered while thinking of a name for this new t-file group?" B: "Well, I took a strong liking to 'The Hemmorhoidal Geese', but there was a lot of confusion with The Humble Guys and my group. You know. So, then I switched it to RiSC, standing for 'Really Idiotic Stupid Cunts', but, you know, there was that immediate association with the courier group." P: "What are your future plans with ReD?" B: "I was thinking, maybe, once we get popular and wide-spread enough, we could start small by killing off babies, and then move our way up to just slaughtering everything in general. Eventually, I'm thinking something along the lines of a total apocolypse. Or something like that." P: "How can someone write for ReD?" B: "Well, by forming words from a combination of letters, you can write sentences. If you put enough sentences together, then it makes a paragraph. A few paragraphs can make up a piece of fiction. Uhm, they're basically my only requirements. We had a bunch of monkeys with type- writers writing for us for a while, but they keep shitting on the carpet. We're not very selective." P: "How can someone run a ReD distribution position?" B: "You have to be, like, rreeaallyy elite. You have to have -2 to -1 month warez. At LEAST 15 gigs, and, thirteen nodes of 28.8 modems. Uhm. That's about it." P: "Where did you get the name for your BBS, Goat Blowers Anonymous?" B: "Well, I believe that beastiality advocates need a place to hang out, too, so, I decided that it was a step in the right direction. We've helped many goat blowers get back on their feet." P: "Would you like to touch my monkey?" B: "Sure!" P: "Why must you be like that? Why must you chase the cat?" B: "Nuthin' but da dawg in me." P: "If you had a hammer, when exactly would you hammer?" B: "I'd hammer in the evening." P: "If you were straned on a deserted island, would you choose asprin or Tylenol Gelcaps(c)?" B: "Nine out of ten doctors choose Tylenol Gelcaps(c)... but I don't give a shit. Whatever will make me drowsy is cool." P: "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" B: "Well, see, that's a tough one. It really all depends on the woodchuck. I've seen some woodchucks that could chuck all night, y'know?" P: "What ever happened with those sodomy charges?" B: "Hey, man! I told you not to bring them up! Ok, asshole?!" P: "Sorry, I just thought since that's a frequently asked question.." B: "Well who told you to think, asshole?! Just ask the questions!" P: "Explain in five words or less why I should give you this cookie." B: "Uhm, uh, because... Uhm, I really... uhm, uh... want the cookie." P: "Sorry, too many words." B: "Damnit!" P: "Ok. I want to thank you for being patient and helping me through this interview. It was actually my first pleasant interview to conduct." B: "Oh. I guess I should put my pants back on then, right?" P: "Yep." WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ! ! Copyright (c) Black Francis and ReaLLY 3LiT3 d00Dz! 1995 ! ! All rights reserved, but two wrongs don't make a right ! WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!WaReZ!