------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ____________________________ \__ __ / ____/ \ / _/ ___/__ _/ \ / / \ / / /____/_____\________/________/ "/<34|_|_-< 3|_i+3 />00/>Z" Kinda Proudly Present: RED-002.TXT aka "Why I Started Such an ELiTE Group" By that Sultan of Sexiness, Black Francis. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Uh-huh. Yeah, that's right.. I run ReD. You know.. ReD. Uh.. c'mon, you know. Really ELiTE d00dz? Uhm, damnit. Oh well. Ok. I guess it seems pretty stupid to start another ripoff "lit" group, but, I am stupid, so I have all the reason in the world to go for the gusto. Throw caution into the wind. Wear sand paper underwear. Jump on a bicycle with no seat. You get the idea, I'm sure. I've always liked to write, but I kinda put it on hiatus for a while when I hit about 15 because, to put it truthfully, I ran out of good ideas. I'm sure some of you will agree with me when you see RED-003, "Them Damn Mentos Commercials!". Hehe. I also was on a "modem hiatus" for a few years. When I came back, I fumbled through your basic shareware boards for a while, and then the elite boards, and now I try to stay away from all of the above. Soooo.. I call a board which is basically t-files (Quick! Hide the kids! It's a Mogel-Land plug!), and I see everyone talking about all the nifty, ginchy, crazy, kookie text files they have online, so I go and leech some. Once I take a gander at them (some good, some sucking the slimiest moose balls you've ever seen) and somehow, without notice, I got the urge to write again. This time instead of brainstorming for hours, I go into the ol' DOS editor and begin pounding on the keys, babbling about anything that comes to mind. First, I wrote my article "The Plot to Kill Good Music" and uploaded it to the head of a "lit" group. He liked it, but didn't like it (uh-huh).. or something like that. Regardless, there I am with my little text file and nobody to show it to. Then, the idea hits me. "Hey. I'm pretty k-rad. I bet *I* could start a kewl t-file group, too! Then, all the chicks will dig me! I'll be a sweaty pulsating stud! Whee!" After juggling around some nifty names, I decided upon something that.. would sum me up.. and sum up the group.. and make an ass out of me at the same time. A-ha! Really 3|_i+3 d00dz! Whee again! Now, we're on our second file, and I'm having a veritable barrel-'o-smelly primates! Whee to the third power! Now, I'm the envy of my peers. I'm the first on *MY* block to start a k-rad t-file group! I'd bet my left nut your saying to yourself, "Why golly, that sounds like a whoot. I wonder how *I* could start a t-file group, too." Have no fear, Spunky. I'd be glad to tell you how. As a matter of fact, it makes my nipples boil with excitement just thinking about it. So, without further adue, here goes: 1) Brush up on your eliteness. I suggest the following k-rad exercises (please consult your doctor first): a) Try reading those damn ascii BBS ads that you get with warez. They'll help strenghten your eyes *AND* your ELiTE typing skills. b) Use phrases such as "That's kewl.", "Where's the warez?", "I'm no lamer, d00d!", "I'm ELiTE!", and "I hate feds! (or) Microsoft sux!" as much as you can. If possible, use them in everyday conversations. Here's an example: MOM : "Hi Timmy, how was school today?" YOU : "It was kewl, mom!" MOM : "We're having pizza for dinner tonight." YOU : "Kewl. I'm no lamer, d00d!" MOM : "I'm sure you're not, son. Would you like a snack first?" YOU : "Where's the warez?" MOM : "Sorry, I only got vanilla wafers and the market. I'll get some next time." YOU : "Microsoft sux!" MOM : "Excuse me?" YOU : "I'm ELiTE!" MOM : "Sure, honey. I think your dad wants to talk to you." See? Do that enough and you'll have it down to a science. 2) Learn how to spell. 3) Come up with a k-rad name! This is the fun part! Being the nice guy I am, I've come up with a simple chart to help you out. First, pick a word out of row A, then row B, then row C, and there you go! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ COLUMN A | COLUMN B | COLUMN C -------- | -------- | -------- Totally | Elite | Morons Psychotic | Rad | Wah! Moronic | K-Rad | Stupid-Asses Retarded | Stinky, Sweaty | Dudes Fucking Stupid as all Hell | Eeny! | Guys Primordial | Fuckin' | Fellars Bad | Necrophiliac | Ameobas Ooney! | Stupid | Hairballs ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ * REMEMBER! * Insulting yourself and cursing until you're blue in the face is *GOOD*, and makes your new group *THAT* much more ELiTE! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Here are some examples of the nifty names you can come up with using no intuition at all: Totally Elite Morons - TeM (Wow! The ELiTEness is overwhelming!) Bad Rad Dudes - BRD (Nifty-o-rama!) Retarded K-Rad Guys - RKG (It's so k-rad, it hurts!) Fucking Stupid as all Hell Fuckin' Stupid-Asses - FSAAHFSA (Uhm..KEWL!) Primordial Necrophilic Ameobas - PNA (So ELiTE, it's banned in 34 states!) Ooeny! Eeny! Wah! - OEW (I dunno, but it must be rad!) Psychotic Stupid Hairballs - PSH (Lemme be a distro. site! Kewl!) The possibilities are virtually endless! Take what I've given you and run with it. The above was only a sampling. But remember, try to insult yourself and use curses as much as you possibly can. It's the ELiTE thing to do. Now, your group is ready to go. Next step is to get as many distro. sites and headquarters as you can, because that's really k-rad. Go for every single distro. site you can get, which is usually extremely easy to do (this is because the more k-rad affils a BBS has, the more ELiTE it is! Here's a simple formula to remember.. see if your feeble mind can fathom this: ELiTE = Good!). You'll also need headquarters, which are the same as distro. sites, but they have cooler names. For example, here are some headquarter ideas: 1) World Headquarter 2) Eastern and western Headquarters 3) U.S. Headquarters 4) Intergalactic Headquarters 5) Guam Headquarters 6) Mass Canned Cheese Production Headquarters 7) Underwater Headquarters 8) A Headquarters for every latitude 9) A Headquarters for every longitude 10) East Bumblefuck Headquarters 11) Pants Headquarters (don't ask) 12) Under-A-Big-Shiny-Rock Headquarters See, the possibilties are endless if you just put your mind to it. Now that you know how to make your own k-rad t-files group, I'll let you go now so you can get crackin' on your Toe Jam Headquarters. Until next time, stay kewl!! Yuck yuck yuck! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ K-Rad Greets II : The Son of K-Rad Greets! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Mogel - Hope I didn't rip too much stuff off, I tried not to. Archangel - Helmet here we come! Whee! Keep bagging those eggs, ass boy. Dahmer - What can I say? I don't feel sorry for you. You collected penises for crissakes. Me - I fucking rule. KeG - The most k-radiest, ELiTEest, cooliest, self-insultingist group out there. Keep circulating the tapes. Push the button, Frank. This space for rent.