\ \ / |\ / | \ | |_ | \ | |-- \ __ __ | | _ | \ | | | | | /| | / \ / |< / \ | \ | | | | / | / \ | | | | | \ \ \| \__/\/ |/ |/ |/ \__/ | | \ \_/ \ \ \ \ \ \_ __ __ __/ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Nutworks 23 Jan 1990 Volume 10 Issue 2 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Nutworks is published at non-linear intervals by Deirdre Thornton and Nathan Quinlan with some (...) from Brid Curran, all from University College Galway. If you want to subscribe to Nutworks send a one line mail message to LISTSERV@FINHUTC saying SUB NUTS your-name (eg SUB NUTS John Doe). ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ CONTENTS: Editorial 'Dear Abby' Unknown Soldier 'The Land of Variables' Barry Haldiman 'The World ...........' Barry Haldiman 'Petition for Readmission' Andy Greenshields 'Cucumbers #1' Kris Chmilar ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 'Why should we take advice on sex from the Pope. If he knows anything, he shouldn't.' -George Bernard Shaw (courtesy of Richard Schuerger...CBS%VMS.CIS.PITT.EDU::DWRST) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 'Nil aon uasal na iseal ach thuas seal thios seal' (mar a duirt Confucius Mac Conaonaigh) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Editorial ------------- Welcome to this wacky but wonderful edition of that great toilet-side companion ---NUTWORKS! This magazine has a centuries old tradition of being the best. My name is Deirdre Thornton and I'm six foot one with blond hair and blue eyes. However, I do have a boyfriend who has a black belt in karate and who has an awful mean streak.(sorry lads!) My co-editor is Nathan Quinlan. he's five foot one , wears thick-rimmed glasses, has acne and last washed his hair on St. Patrick's day last year! there is, however, one slight disadvantage! his mother is a bit possessive-in fact she's a gargoyle. Both myself and Nathan are second years doing Science and Mechanical Engineering respectively. We are two of the people responsible for that wonderful literary masterpiece "Quantum Mechanics in the Bath". Might I say that I didn't really enjoy researching that one with nathan-his glasses kept steaming up! I know that we said that we would produce another edition of NUTWORKS before Christmas but Nathan found out that Santa Claus didn't really exist and spent most of the holiday in a mental institution. *****newsflash***** *****newsflash***** *****newsflash***** *****newsflash***** Word just coming in that strikingly handsome 6'2" dark well-built Nathan Quinlan, co-editor with response for Creative Genius, Lightning Wit and Sex down at Nutworks has been the target of an assassination attempt by his power-hungry business partner spinster midget Deirdre "Oops" Thornton. And yes, what? yes, we can confirm, we can positively confirm that the assailant did not correctly load her lethal milk carton. Ha ha ha. This broadcast supercedes all previous and subsequent messages concerning the above persons, especially speciallyspecially if written by the World Domination for Women Party's propaganda minister, evil Brid Curran, which most of them are, all one in fact. Right on. Back to you, Brid. *****newsflash***** *****newsflash***** *****newsflash***** *****newsflash***** Another Newsflash From That Literary Genius (who Just Happens To Be A 6'1" Blonde with smashing big blue eyes - every man's wet dream!) --------------------------- Once again that bespotted and bespeckled (not to mention be-undersexed) 5'0" mammie's boy (who is, incidentally a Daniel O'Donnell fan!), Nathan Quinlan, has got it all wrong! Since the untimely departure of his only and most trusted friend - his one-eyed Teddy Bear (aptly named Ted - Nathan was always renowned for his imagination) - was taken away by the social worker as he was a sexually abused bear, Nathan has been paranoid and refuses to believe that anyone likes him (quite understandable really!). Deirdre Thornton has really tried to help this paranoid mess but with limited success. She even researched "Quantum Mechanics in the Bath" with him. The only thanks she got was an accusation that she had tried to molest his little yellow rubber ducky while he, Nathan, was busy wiping his steamed-up glasses! Nathan Quinlan - a boy whose paranoia has led to his accusations that his only friend, Deirdre Thornton, has plotted his death with the aid of a carton of milk! Please pray for his quick recovery. Any monetary contributions can be sent to : "The Nathan Quinlan Instutional Fund" C\O The Porters Desk, U.C.G. HELP NATHAN HELP HIMSELF! From: VAX1::MECQUINLAN "Greetings from the Funny Farm" 23-FEB-1990 15:28:55.87 Just writing to let you know that I am deeply, deeply distressed by some of your recent correspondence. I find your all-consuming desire to publicise some of the less attractive aspects of the period before my anatomical psychiatric and neurological treatment quite worrying and I extend my fullest sympathies to your families, and a sincere offer of help to you yourselves. I also hope your hair all falls out and all your fingers stick to each other and your knees lock up for 3 hours each day. Now, can we mix all this stuff together to produce a nice, interesting, humourous article for our readership? Warmest affection, Nathan. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Listen dudes, if you want to send us anything do go ahead---just don't blame us, if it's an article you insist on sending, we think that they are quite good and print the bloody things! Ok, so that the last sentence makes no sense at all, but don't bother us, Brid wrote it. Neargh to her. Thanks to Barry Haldiman and Peter Muldoon (Caaavan) for constructive criticism. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Submitted by Dear Abby, I have a big problem that goes something like this: I have two brothers, one is a government contractor and the other is in prison for murder. My younger sister is a prostitute and her oldest son is on drugs. My Mom, rest her soul, used to sell drugs to my nephew and Dad is a known child molester. I recently got engaged to a beautiful, sweet woman. My problem, Abby, is that since this woman will be coming into my family should I let her know that my brother is a government contractor? Signed, I want to do the right thing! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ THE LAND OF THE VARIABLES The characters will now be declared.... VAR The booleans -- they have two groups, the Wrights and the Wrongs. The integers -- they are a well-rounded people on the whole. The reals -- they are individuals who always have a point. BEGIN WAR In the land of the variables, there are often wars amongst the three types. The reals have battle between the rationals and the over- populated (you'll see why later) irrationals and the integers have fights between the negative and positives with the neutrals (0) doing nothing. Now, the booleans on the other hand don't war but they do argue. An example argument, the Wrights tease the Wrongs by saying, "You are false." (and what the Wrights say is always true) to which the Wrongs reply, "You are false." (of course...to be consistent). When the variables aren't fighting with themselves, they are fighting each other. The reals use the ever feared continuous integration as their primary weapon, the integers use flash cards to stun their opponents and the booleans use their logic to survive. Attempts at peace are difficult because the boolean's agents (the Wrights and the Wrongs), integer's agents (+ or -) and the real's agents (ir- rational and rational) are indistinguishable to the rival variables. This means the talks often end up being complex (a variable not declared in this land) or purely imaginary. EATING HABITS You've now met the characters and heard about their war stories. Now it's time to see what and how they eat. Yes, the variables in the land must eat since they have a magnitude to keep. Their diet is widely varied and studies on the subject are preliminary; some of the results follow. The irrational numbers (a subset of the reals) consume large quantities of Pi and their manners are extremely atrocious since everyone wants a piece of the Pi. The rational numbers are quite the opposite; their quantities are always in proportions and they love Chicken McNuggets (parts is parts). The integers often have trouble eating because they swallow their food whole, nothing is cut up; their favorite food is the doughnut hole. The booleans will eat anything they can get. What makes them different from other variables is that their tastes never change. They either like something or not and never in between; but the Wrights know they have good tastes while the Wrongs know they have bad ones. SEX Sex, like in most societies, is a topic of much controversy and a few unwritten rules have arose on the subject. The most important of these is NO intra-variable relationship, mixing type could cause a fatal error and crash the program. A less important one is no adding or subtracting after the 4th clock cycle. In the boolean sex life the biggest taboo is the combination of a Wright and Wrong. If they just AND or OR, that is fine but if they try to get together and multiply an interderminate form would result! This could cause bit 7 of the status word to be set and you wouldn't want that. In the real sex life the rationals must stay together. The reason is quite simple, if an irrational and rational get together and either subtract, add, multiply or divide then another irrational will result. If this kept up, then the irrationals would overpopulate the rationals. And with the irrational in charge who knows what results you would get back from your real program. In the integer sex life division is the touchy subject. Only if an integer is a multiple of another integer can they divide and of the two, the bigger one must always be on top. Also neutrals are strictly forbidden to be on the bottom; climax in this situation is dangerous to all. Finally negative and positive multiplication is discouraged due to negative results. As you can see, sex in the land of the variables can be fun but many precautions must be taken to prevent bad results. TV When things get boring in the land of the variables, they all sit around at watch TV. Of course, they have their favorite shows just like us. The booleans love watching Truth or Consequences and Hollywood Squares. The integers really enjoy 60 minutes and 48 hours. The rationals like 20/20 while the irrationals always watch cartoons. The booleans only watch their two shows a day (unless they have cable). The integers only watch shows that last 1 hour. The rationals always watch enough shows to have x-hours + 1/2. The irrationals never quit watching except to get a Pi from the fridge. FINALE As the years, went by only the Booleans didn't become couch potatoes so as a result they became known as the purest and best form of numbers. The land of the variables exists today inside our computers. Will the booleans who have grouped to become the binarys take over our world? Will they force us to line up and count off 1,0,1,0.....??? Can we stop their advances in time??? If you're reading this it's too late. The meaning of life, universe and everything is 42. That doesn't sound to significant but in binary it's 101010! We humans are purely slaves to our, hence, unknown overlords. And now you know the rest of the story..... Barry Haldiman a.k.a. the HaldiMANIAC C463660@umcvmb -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: HARPER@cc.helsinki.fi (ROBERT HARPER, FINLAND) 'The World According to Student Bloopers' by Richard Lederer St. Paul's School (Spring 1987, Verbatim, The Language Quarterly, Vol. XIII, No. 4) The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns -- Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in The Illiad, by Homer. Homer also wrote the Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them. Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenburg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks were crowing. Finally, The colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees. Bach was the most famous composer in the world. and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: Andy Greenshields [Ex-Brit][dxandy@widener.BITNET] PETITION FOR READMISSION [note: the following Application for Readmission is supposed to be composed entirely from actual readmissions petitions here at KU] Dear Madam: After last semester, a letter for dismissal was obtained by me. I know my first semester at KU was speakable, and my grades hasn't been very good, but they did inprove throughout my academic carrier. I was dismissed because I received a poor grade in Biology, which really hurt my feelings. Also, I decided not to take my final exam to assure failure. It worked. I whole heartily want and need to remain in school if giving the chance. I have been committed to the Lawrence area and find myself soully responsible for my tuition and fees. I realize that my academic success in the past wasn't very successful, but I was in a soriety and which was very inportant to me. Also, I was in the mist of many personnel problems. During the semester, my parents were having martial problems severly. My father was in a accident and had a number of fatal injuries, which he overcame. He has underwent multiple operations, which put a big hamper on my academic process. Through all this I have learned that "you have nothing but fear itself to fear from." Since I was extracated from the University, I have know regained myself and regathered my train of thoughts. I have learnt from my mistakes. I see that without a college education life could be full of many holes in which one could fall into. I would be obliged to return to KU, where new doors to your mind can be opened. My readmittance into your elite financial institution would be greatly priviledged. I will resume my studies with a more dedicated fever and I will uphold the standards set forth me. Please recommend that I be let back in to collage, so that I can rise like a phoenix from the academic ashes, and my mind will not be left to rust into obsolescence. Very Sincerely Yours, Desperately Seeking Studiousness -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: VAX1::ELECHMILAR "Crazy Babies Never Say Die!" 24-JAN-1990 13:45:40.91 Kris Chmilar, UCG, Ireland CUCUMBERS ARE BETTER THAN MEN BECAUSE....... (part 1) ...The average cucumber is at least six inches long. ...Cucumbers stay hard for a week. ...A cucumber won't tell you size doesn't count. ...Cucumbers don't get TOO excited. ...A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety. ...Cucumbers are easy to pick up. ...You can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket... and you know how firm it is before you take it home. ...Cucumbers can get away any weekend. ...With a cucumber you can get a single room and you won't have to check in as 'Mrs. Cucumber'. ...A cucumber will always respect you in the morning. ...You can go to the movie with a cucumber and see the movie. ...At a drive in you can stay in the front seat. ...A cucumber can always wait until you get home. ...A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn. ...A cucumber won't drag you out to a John Wayne Film Festival. ...A cucumber won't ask: 'Am I first?' ...Cucumbers don't care if you're a virgin. ...Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin. ...Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin. ...With cucumbers, you don't have to be a virgin more than once. ...Cucumbers won't write your name and number on men's room wall. ...Cucumbers don't have sex hang-ups. ... Cucumbers won't ask: 'Am i the best' 'How was it?' 'Did you come?' 'How many times?' ...Cucumbers aren't jealous of your gynecologist, ski instructor or hair dresser. ...Cucumbers won't ask about your last lover or speculate about your next one. ...A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator. ...A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over. ...No matter how old you are you can always get a fresh cucumber. ...Cucumbers can handle rejection. ...A cucumber won't pout if you have a headache. ...A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is. ...With a cucumber, you never have to say your sorry. ...Cucumbers won't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow. THE END LE FIN go home