s$ $$ .d""b. .d""b. HOE E'ZINE #1083 [-- $$""b. $$ $$ $$ $$ -- ------------------------------------------- --] $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ss$$ "Planting Trees for Tony Danza" $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ by Ninja Sloth $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ 05/21/00 [-- $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ -- ------------------------------------------- --] $$ $$ "TssT" "TssT" 1987: thrust into the universe from a vagrant pot-holder and a burlap rummage sack at 8:09 pacific standard time, reginald sprang from a dusty womb and was crowned PRINCE OF ALABASTER. 1988: malnourished strikes our hero, and a severe case of the gout leaves him with a deviated septum and a swollen abdomen (think ethiopia). prince reginald visits uncle steve and discovers the game _cookie dough_ in grandpa's crotch. 1989: a peter gabriel song changes the life of reginald while his father tragically dies from asbestos mixed with his daily gin and tonic, plus his mother gets _the clap_. 1990: prince reginald acquires his second uterus and begins taking those crucial first steps that should be captured with a kodak insta-matik camera ("ribbed for her pleasure"). his mother yearns for the day when he too will become a real estate agent so as to annoy residential home-owners with quaint note pads that offer the local community agent's picture at the top left corner. reginald's vocabulary has now surpassed _hooked on phonics_ and is encouraged to begin reading some of the literary masterpieces such as _frog & toad_ and _charlotte's web_. 1991: denying the wishes of his mother, reginald graduates harvard, but does not seek a future with century real estate. with college behind him, he begins to realize that though he is a now an educated citizen, he still has yet to achieve the act of taking four whole steps in a row. tragedy strikes--another death in the family, magdolin the pantry whore has passed away after visiting aunt flo. 1992: with a degree in the fine art of drunk choreography, reginald heads on over to colma, california ("everyone's favorite necropolis"). upon visiting "lucky chance casino", he meets someone who knows someone who in turn knows some jack-ass that gets him a few guest-spots on mtv's ailing _120 minutes_ and then receives a revlon commercial with duff. 1993: he meets eleanor verdum, the love of this life. together they adopt a physically-challenged half bonsai half-flippered man-boy from the circus. at once they have a steamy love affair--again tragedy strikes. 1994: eleanor loses her left leg and will never be able to dance in another paula abdul video again. while recuperating she falls for emilio estevez, who had previously been having a romantic relationship with one of the male teen stars of mighty ducks. reginald is heart broken. 1995: after a run in with the law, he had tried to buy eight hot-dog buns instead of ten, he is committed to a mental aviary for flightless birds of prey. 1996: he begins to have reoccurring dreams of magdolin the pantry whore, and seeks pre-menstrual consultation from his 7th grade gym teacher, ms. staluka. reginald's mother has yet to speak to him since his graduation, but that will not damper his spirits, seeing as he is pitching a new sitcom for NBC (keywords never heard before: "fresh, witty, 20 something's with a quirky appeal"). 1997: reginald loses his seventh toe in a drunken tirade in a bar. the brawl leads to an intoxicated sailor [for respect for his family we'll call him Mackenzie O'Riordan] tearing his shoe off and removing his seventh toe only to place it in a bowl of kraft's macaroni and cheese. 1998: reginald loses a pint of blood flossing his teeth one morning and is committed to the aviary once again. 1999: after fully recovering, he heads on over to israel with a gaggle of heroin-addicted penguins and the physically-challenged half bonsai half-flippered man-boy, to plant trees in memory of his idol, TONY DANZA. 2000: reginald now resides in an affordably quaint suburban neighborhood known as meadow view, situated closely to outlet malls with easy access to the freeway. reginald has gas. -end of transmission- [-------------------------------------------------------------------------] [ (c) HOE E'ZINE -- http://www.hoe.nu #1083, BY NINJA SLOTH - 5/21/00 ]