[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #703 `888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8 "The Biggest, Largest, Most 888 888 888 888 888 Exciting Heist Of All Time 888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8 (Part 1)" 888 888 888 888 888 " by Nybar 888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 7/1/99 o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] Guy Carpenter was a lout. Not a good, likeable kind of lout either; just a big lug who enjoyed drinking beer and watching TV. He was rather skilled at making people (especially women and the elderly) pity him though, so he wasn't completely useless. As a matter of fact, he got more then his reccomended daily allowance of sex (from the former) and money (from the latter). He managed to spend all of his money as soon as he got it... didn't matter though. That was life. That was hustling. Nybar wanted to be left alone. But stories had to be written, h0e's had to be made. He had mostly moved on to other things, hung up his 'zine making hat...But Mogel thought he was ready for one last story, to go out with a bang. He didn't have the energy to write, but he and a few of his buddies had a different, entirely more dangerous idea. Keith Velasquez was a stereotype come alive: a 20-something Latino crackhead, ready to do anything for money. He had no idea what he was getting himself into. Mogel was always on the prowl for a submission to h0e. Little did he suspect, Nybar was in desperation as a writer. Nybar was ready to push it past the limit of even what Mogel was willing to endure for a new submission. So it begins: Mogel: "Nybar, you don't have to go through with this. Why don't you just write something?" Nybar: "Wait a sec-- COFFEE YOU FUCK!...Such shitty service." The Waitress: "Could you please not scream obscenities? The elderly folks that come in for the Crazy Al's Sausage Special get riled." She smiles sweetly, hoping to placate Nybar with this move straight from the Waitresses' handbook. Nybar: "Look, don't smile at me, don't make demands of me, just do what I say. That's the quickest route to me getting OUT of here, which is what you want. Kind of like blackmail. And remember this" he wags his finger in her face "don't try to evict me, for though it might be your resteraunt, the world is MINE, or at least my lack of social inhibitions is such that this is the de facto truth." The Waitress: "Fuck you, sir." She sickeningly smiles again and then walks back to the kitchen. Nybar: "And don't forget the coffee!" "Why don't you leave her alone? She's just doing her job!" This is from an elderly man with an old NY Jewish type accent in the next booth. Nybar: "Stop eavesdropping you fuck. I'll drop you like a stump, and any the rest of you that fuck with me!" Nybar waves his cane menacingly at the elderly. They don't really seem to care, but then again most elderly are drugged up, especially those in resteraunts at 4 AM. Mogel: "Er, back on the subject of the project--" Nybar: "What project?" Mogel: "THE ONE WE'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT. I think it's a good idea if you must... and if you're sure you can avoid the consequences." Nybar: "Oh yes, the defences will be no match for me... I'm well prepared. As you know, my experience in international espionage, catburglary and my knowledge of Aztec religious texts is unmatched. Plus, I've enlisted an elite strike force." Mogel: "You mean the crack head and the washed up loser?" Nybar: "Careful, they're listening over a wire I'm wearing." Mogel cracks a smile against his will, and eventually nervously, self conciously laughs... a pathetic display. Mogel: "You take an idiot beer-guzzling loser and a crack head and make them into the CIA." Mogel laughs Nybar: "Skills, eh? Now, all we need for this, uh, project--" he coughs nervously "--is a girl to lure them out." The Waitress returns with the Coffee Nybar: "And I think we know how to find that." [-----] TO BE CONTINUED. Next: Chapter 2: The Gathering Storm [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] [ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #703 - WRITTEN BY: NYBAR - 7/1/99 ]