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   ooooo   ooooo  .oooooo.  oooooooooooo       HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #647
   `888'   `888' d8P'  `Y8b `888'     `8
    888     888 888      888 888                     "dream you."
    888ooooo888 888      888 888oooo8
    888     888 888      888 888    "               by The Jester
    888     888 `88b    d88' 888       o               5/17/99
   o888o   o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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        it is getting late, early, what is the difference?  no change in
 the end.  futility, futility, futility.

        the difference is you.  you make my mental health matter, baby.  it
 isn't fun to be depressed when someone cares.  tell me that you care.  talk
 to me.  you make me alive, make me live.  make me see the light, i'm still
 blind.

        prozac can only take me so far... here.  i'm here, prozac was there.
 i can't let you take over my life.  i am determined to be strong, i will be
 strong, i must be strong.  determination.  hahahaha.

        nothing is possible when i think of you.  i momentarily freeze. i'm
 always frozen.  when did we last speak?  when did i last see you? october.
 fuck you october.  haha.  i have no aggression.  i am a pussy.  haha.

        let us see.  october, november, december, january, february, march,
 april.  7 months.  7 months since i last had contact with you.  1 month
 before that, 2 years before that.  rather ironic.  i've thought about you
 the whole time.  i haven't called.  i am a pussy.  haha.

        maybe i am just scarred.  i think i love you but i fear the after
 affects.  i fear the repercussions.  i think i want to love you but i don't
 think i know (nor want to know) what love (and hate) are.  do you know? i
 bet you do.  i bet you have loved a lot of people.  i bet a lot of people
 loved you.  what is the difference?  futility, futility, futility.

        i could love you but i don't think it could be likewise, at least
 at the same time.  what do i know?  i don't know you.  i don't know me.
 do you know me?  no one knows me.  i am a sheltered little hermit in the
 cold.  you don't know me.  love doesn't know me.


        beep.  beep.  beep.  bee.....p.

        5:50?  it is already bright red 5:50?  i just went to bed nine and
 one half hours ago.  i want to sleep forever.  i don't want to face an
 uncertain tomorrow.  i don't want to face a tomorrow and not see you.  you
 do not want to face a today with me.  you would have told me if you had
 wanted a today with me.  you are more straight forward than i am.  you
 aren't a pussy.  i am a pussy.

        i can't face any days to come with a smile.  i can try.

        futility, futility, futility.

        why am i such a pussy?  maybe you do want to talk to me?  why can't
 i write a letter?  give a call?  show up at your door?  i loved you four
 years ago, you loved me four years ago.  did we know love four years ago?
 do we know love now?

        i will wait for love.  i am a pussy.

        will you?

        futility, futility, futility.

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 [ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS!    #647 - WRITTEN BY: THE JESTER - 5/17/99 ]