[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #551 `888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8 888 888 888 888 888 "Happy Floggings" 888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8 888 888 888 888 888 " by Kreid 888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 4/6/99 o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] This is a story about Calvin Fleghjnpsk, the bluebird with two wings. Once upon a time, there was a bluebird called Calvin. His full name was Calvin Abdul-Rejhak-Mohammed Fleghjnpsk. In many ways, Calvin was just like any other bluebird. But then, in other ways, he was not. There were many special things about Calvin that made him different, just as there are special things about you and me that make us different. One special thing about Calvin Fleghjnpsk, the bluebird, was that he was born with two beautiful, blue wings. With these two things, Calvin flew high above the trees, through the clouds, gathering condoms and tadpoles and feasting on little bits of styrofoam behind the 7-11 in the town where he lived. One day, a group of young birds came to visit Calvin while he was taking bonghits of pot (marijuana) behind the 7-11. These birds were not like Calvin, however. They did not have two wings like Calvin. Instead, they had only two wings. "Help," said one of the young birds. "Our friend, Axl, has had too much Jack Daniels (alcohol) to drink and he is passed out. We are afraid that he might die of alcohol poisoning! Please help us, Calvin!" Calvin knew exactly what to do. He took off, soaring above the 7-11 majestically upon his two wings. "Damn," said Calvin's inner monologue, "I need to take a shit!" And so he did. Calvin Abdul-Rejhak-Mohammed Fleghjnpsk pooped. And as he pooped, he crashed into the big skyscraper next to the 7-11 and fell tragically to his death. "Fuck," said one of the younger birds, "I can't live in this world any longer!" Then he ate a triscuit that was laced with cyanide and fell dead to the floor. "Fuck," said another one of the younger birds, "how could someone just give up on life like that?" Then a truck swerved off the road and into the 7-11, crushing this bird, along with six of his friends. There was fire and smoke everywhere. An explosion in the back of the 7-11 caused the Slurpee machine to spew out ice and syrup. It shot out of the windows into another young bird's mouth. His brain froze. Another bird had a heart attack at the sight of this. Yet another bird, who was watching this scene from afar, laughed so hard that his diaphragm exploded and he died of internal bleeding. By the time the cops showed up, there were at least 100,000 corpses at the scene, and counting. They didn't know what to do. It was horrible. The chief of police asked, hopelessly, "How will we ever clean this mess up?" Just then, a plane flew by the place and dropped a large black object out of its doors. The large black object was not a piano. It was a NUCLEAR BOMB! Seconds later, the bomb exploded, and everything fell silent. The President of the United States watched the mushroom cloud on his television in the Oval Office as he masturbated with his thumb pressed up into his rectum. He blew a load all over the desk and laughed maniacally. The First Lady opened the door to the office and walked in. "Jesus," she said, "it smells like death in here!" And she was right. The President's spunk reeked of death. This was not because of the nuclear bombing, of course, but rather because the President had just been fucking a dead body. It was the dead body of Stanley Kubrick, which The President had bought from the Government of Paraguay for 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 U.S. Dollars. The President just laughed some more and picked up his 2-Liter bottle of Absolut Vodka. He drank it all down in one sip, like it was water. He laughed and laughed and laughed. Then, his laugh turned into a terrified scream, as the ghost of Calvin Abdul-Rejhak-Mohammed Fleghjnpsk flew through the Oval Office window like a bullet, shattering the glass, and then right through the forehead and brain of the President. "Noooooooooooooo," screamed the First Lady. But Calvin Abdul-Rejhak-Mohammed Fleghjnpsk and his two wings were nowhere to be found. Justice had been served. Later that night, the First Lady also had sex with the lifeless corpse of Stanley Kubrick, as his penis had been made eternally erect by a Paraguayan master taxidermist. God sat above in heaven and smiled on his great Earth. But, then, he was only smiling because he had just injected 50 grams of heroin into his left eyeball. It felt good. Oh, yes, indeed. It all felt real good. [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] [ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #551 - WRITTEN BY: KREID - 4/6/99 ]