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                           >> "Dear Jewel Kilcher" <<
                                  by -> Styx

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

        this is a letter i wrote to jewel kilcher before she got as "big" as
 she is now.  i never received a response.

      ------------------------------------------------------------------- 

      Dear Jewel Kilcher,

      Before you complete your inevitable metamorphosis into a spread-eagled
 participant in the executive gangbang that is corporate rock(tm), I am
 sending you this; a cordial invitation to come over my house and have sex
 with me.

      To assist you in your decision to accept or decline my offer, I will
 provide a brief description of myself.

      I'm 20 years old, 5'10", 140 lbs., and not very healthy.  I work a
 low-paying job where I chain-smoke for 40 hours a week.  My hair is unkempt
 and I rarely shave.  My head is too big for my body and my nose is too big
 for my head.  However, I have a _really big dick_.

      I am, by all accounts, a stereotypical male.  I concern myself only
 with the most trivial things in life, leaving everything else to those with
 the drive and energy to reject complacency.  They can have their Cark Jungs,
 Henry Thoreaus, and Joseph Campbells.  They can have their clove cigarettes,
 gourmet coffee, and prescription drugs.  All of their therapy won't save
 them in the end.

      What does all of this have to do with my proposal, you wonder?  Well
 stop wondering because it will get you nowhere.  You're even more shallow
 than I am so you couldn't begin to understand.  Just keep your mouth shut,
 come over here, and have sex with me.  As incentive, I will beat the hell
 out of you and piss in your mouth.  It will undoubtedly fuel your creative
 juices; at the very least, you could write a song about it.  How's that for
 a fair exchange?  A song for sex.  Get back to me before MTV does.

      Predictably yours,

      Styx - (XXX)XXX-XXXX

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
      * (c) HoE publications.  HoE #191 -- written by Styx -- 1/22/98 *