_.---[ EPISODE III: RETURN OF the GwD ]----------------------------._ / .----------------------------------------------------------------. \ | | ______ ____________ ___ ________ | | | | / _____|____ ____| / \ | ____ \ | | | | ( (___ | | / \ | |____) ) | | | | \____ \ | | / ^ \ | __ / | | | |________________) ) | | / /~~~\ \ | | \ \ ___________| | | __________________/ |__|__/__/ __\__\|__| \______________ | | ___________ \ / / \ | ____ \ / _____________ | | | \ \ __ / / \ | |____) ) ( (___ | | | | \ \ / \ / / ^ \ | __ / \____ \ | | | | \ ` /\ ' / /~~~\ \ | | \ \ _______) ) | | | | \__/ \__/__/ \__\|__| \____________/ | | | | | | \ `----------------------------------------------------------------' / `------------------------------------------------------[ Special ]---' ----- GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime ***** Issue # 146 ----- ----- release date: 05-05-05 ----- \____________________________________________________________________________/ / \ Not so long ago, right here in our scuzz-bucket of a galaxy, three movies changed the world. Now, the STAR WARS saga is continuing, and we're here to get our names associated with it in any way we can. That's right, "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" is continuing in its self-proclaimed role as THE unOFFICIAL STAR WARS E-ZINE. This here is the third installment, aptly titled, "EPISODE III: RETURN OF the GwD STAR WARS Special." The stuff in this file is from a few sources. No copyright infringement is intended. We merely feel that this stuff is worthy of preservation. Authors are credited where we know who wrote this stuff. For posterity, my friends, we're saving this crap for posterity. It should be noted that the content of this issue of THE GwD STAR WARS SPECIAL is much more cynical and jaded than the last two. That is largely due to the fact that we haven't been inundated with Star Wars-related forwards this time. That's also due to the fact that many of us have a love-hate relationship with Lucas's creation. \____________________________________________________________________________/ / \ <- CONTENTS -> I. GENERAL STAR WARS a. 'fastjack and Lobo Licious discuss Star Wars and George Lucas' b. 'JUST A FEW OF THE REASONS WHY STAR WARS IS BETTER THAN REAL LIFE II. EPISODE THREE a. 'Star Wars Episode III Trailer by Jaffo' \____________________________________________________________________________/ / \ -=> I. GENERAL STAR WARS <=- --------------------- -> a. fastjack and Lobo Licious discuss Star Wars fj: Well, I did go into an hour long rant yesterday at work about my problems with timeline continuity in Star Wars between EP 3 and EP 4. It was baaaaaaaad. I used words like "canon" and "dilution of the brand if the Zahn books get made into film". I mean bad. I stopped at one point and went "What the hell did I just say?" LL: I think the probability of making the zahn books into films approaches zero. Also, I read that there's going to be 2 Star Wars tv series (serieses?), both of which (I think) take place between ep3 and 4. Though I could be full of shit about the books. And about the shows. fj: Yeah. Those shows would, in my opinion, blast the timeline further. However, as I keep saying, my relationship is like a wife who gets beat. I'll just keep going back. LL: That's really bad. But funny. fj: Well, it's true. No matter how bad the films, I keep going back. I mean, it's Star Wars. I remember that when EP 1 came out, it was on my birthday, I had just split up with Nicole for the 1st time. Work sucked. Life sucked. And I went with the assumption that it would be good based on the trailers. Then, I watched a goddamn 7 hour race and was introduced to "midicholrians". Whack, right in the eye. And yet, when EP2 came out I said "I fell into a doorknob. I just want to be with George again." LL: fj: These are the conversations my GF should never be privy to. LL: You're probably right. So, maybe you shouldn't tell her about this stuff. fj: You know, that's the best part. I joke about being a closet geek, but later I tell her about it. She thinks I'm 1.) Hilarious. 2.) Insane. She seems to be down with my nerdy stylee. LL: Yeah, my wife is cool like that, too...definitely down with my nerd/geek stuff. fj: A rare quality, to be sure. LL: Indeed. Lucky fellows are we. ----- -> b. JUST A FEW OF THE REASONS WHY STAR WARS IS BETTER THAN REAL LIFE: [Just to prove that we aren't totally cynical, we're including this tidbit we found that doesn't assume that Episode III will suck OR compare Star Wars addiction to an abusive relationship. -Ed.] 1. In real life, people drive "the Pacer", "the Pinto", and "the Station Wagon" In Star Wars, people drive "Speeder Bikes", "X-wing fighters", and "the Millenium Falcon." 2. In real life, bar fights with strange looking people are often looked at as bad and sinful; In Star Wars, bar fights with strange looking creatures is heroic and the way of the just Jedi Knight. 3. In real life, people that talk to small fuzzy creatures are called crazy; In Star Wars, people that talk to small fuzzy creatures are called galactic ambassadors. 4. In real life, people who dress up in tight plastic/leather outfits are considered tacky and queer; In Star Wars, they're called "Storm Troopers" and are feared by all. 5. In real life, people often stink up the bathroom with their fecal odors, toilet paper runs out, and people get diarrhea; In Star Wars, no one has ever used the bathroom. 6. In real life, tall hairy, humanlike creatures are rarely seen by backwoods alcoholics, and are named ridiculous things like "Bigfoot" and "Sasquatch"; In Star Wars, tall hairy humanlike creatures are called Wookiees, and have their own language, planet, social structure, and carry formidable weaponry 7. In real life, people must deal with the problems of children; In Star Wars, children do not exist. 8. In real life, it is often difficult to understand the languages of others, such as 7-11 employees, fast food window operators, and college profs.; In Star Wars, everyone understands everybody, regardless of language barriers. 9. In real life, the extremely obese are often sadly shunned by society; In Star Wars, the extremely obese Jabba the Hutt is a pimp daddy, and has his own sail barge, lounge room, and scantily clad female dancers to keep him occupied--he is envied by all. 10. In real life, people often have problems doing simple mechanical things like operating can openers, programming VCRs, and playing Nintendo; In Star Wars, Droids do all the busy work in half the time. 11. In real life, some people are complete losers; In Star Wars, everybody has a story to tell that's worth listening to. 12. In real life, people sometimes smell; In Star Wars, people are never "ripe", and yet they need not shower. MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU... Yet Another E-Mail Sent By The International Junk Mail Clearinghouse (IJMC). Unless otherwise specified, distribute freely. All questions, comments, submissions, and requests should be directed to Dave at eatheror@netcom.com IJMC WebPage - http://gsusgi2.gsu.edu/~stdmdix/ijmc/ijmc.html This is Mac. \\\\|//// He wants to travel the world. ( O O ) Please add him to your .sig and help him. ---oOOo--U--oOOo--- \____________________________________________________________________________/ / \ -=> II. EPISODE THREE <=- ------------------ -> "Episode III Trailer" by Jaffo The Star Wars Episode III Trailer is out, and it basically gives away everything. I am consumed by anticipation and dread, as I wait for George Lucas to piss away the last of my childhood memories. We know it's going to suck; the rest is only a matter of degree. My expectations have been spun so low at this point, I was actually impressed by what I saw in the trailer. Not by the plot, which is certainly a lost cause, but by the visuals, which are even cooler than I thought they would be. I saw that trailer and thought, "Wow. I can't wait for the video game." Jedi and Sith and Clone Troopers in all colors of the rainbow. Magnificent set pieces and special effects that drop like candy from a digital pinata. This movie is a two-hour music video composed by George Lucas and John Williams. If I start practicing now, I should be able to ignore the plot completely. I'm excited about the Star Wars films, not for what they are now, but for what I imagine they will be, in the interdeterminate future when Lucas is dead. I want to write novels about an alternate Star Wars universe where Anakin Skywalker was never born. I want to see the movies that should have been made in the past ten years. Basically, Lucas gave in to his worst instincts and ignored the human element that made his films such a success. I said it once, I'll say it a thousand times. These films should have been about the life of Han Solo, the rise and fall of an Imperial Officer, driven by conscience, and the love of a Wookiee, to turn away from his government and strike out on his own. Forget all this Jedi crap and send the Brits back to London. That's the story I want to see. Fortunately, someone has already written a great story in the Star Wars universe. It's call Knights of the Old Republic, and a sequel is on the way... George Lucas may not know how to handle his universe, but Obsidian does, and the future belongs to the fans. - http://www.michaelduff.net/ - \____________________________________________________________________________/ / \ (NOTE: STAR WARS and related terms are registered trademarks of Lucasfilm Ltd. If you don't know what we mean by "related terms," you are a deprived soul who should kindly fuck off. Oh yeah, and all registered trademarks are used without permission, but since this is a free e-zine, it wouldn't really be worthwhile to sue us, would it? So there. SO THERE. CHACH. Despite all of this, Star Wars is cool and it always will be.) \____________________________________________________________________________/ / \ --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- Issue#146 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585 distributed MMV GwD Publications /---------------\ copyright (c) MMV Original Authors-no infringement intended :HUMANITY SUCKS.: presented by The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD : Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/ FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD