=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= What's Wrong With You? ---------------------- The time has come, I feel the writers block that's been sitting behind my eyes has finally vanished, and it seems I can get the words that I think all day out onto some form of media. Usually, it's just a case of being too disgusted to write, thinking that nobody will appreciate it anyway, or look at it and think it's just a file of meaningless bitching and nitpicking. Most of the past year and a half of my life has been pretty unpleasant, for different reasons. Mostly, it's been caring about someone I'd never have a chance with, worthless jobs and bullshit friends. Don't make the assumption that every minute that has passed has been miserable for me. I have had a lot of good times, and have good memories of this part of my life, but there are a lot of bad spots of it, and I can't blame all of it on other people. I'll be the first to admit that I cause some of my own problems, but since I'm the only one to blame for those, I can generally deal with them. The things that really get to me are the problems that can't really be blamed on a person. Somehow, things are easier to deal with if there's someone to point at and say, "This is all because of you." I can't really blame anyone for my dead end job except myself, and that's not really a big problem. I'm just starting to get sick of going in for 8 hours a day, taking shit from customers, co-workers, and bosses, being underpaid, doing far more and better work for the company than they deserve and getting jack shit in recognition for it. I guess I'm ok with the whole thing though. I mean, this is the wonderful world of having a career. It's a lot easier to get up and go in the morning when I think about the prospect of being homeless, and sleeping on someone^Òs couch when I can't pay my rent. I didn't even bother going to work today, mostly because I'm so disgusted with the whole work experience there. The part about this that bothers me is that I'm already fed up with this, and I'll pretty much need to hold a job for most of the rest of my life. The idea of doing this sort of shit for the next 50 or so years is a tiring one, but I'll manage, I always seem to find a way. My friends are another thing that brings me grief from time to time. I have a lot of good friends, who I know would do anything for me, and then a few fair-weather friends, but everyone has those. You can get used to it. There are times, though, that I need people not to give me shit about my fuck-ups and shortcomings, and nobody seems to recognize this. I go through times that I need to be left alone, without any social contact other than my computer and music. Some people just can't tell or don't care when these times are, and that can be bad. I retreat into my shell and try to avoid the word for a while, and people keep poking at me, with whatever goal they have in mind. All that really does is show me who my best friends are, and brings me closer to them. Caring about someone is probably the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Most people consider this a good thing, probably because it's worked out for them at least once in their lives. When I realize that someone (read: female) means something to me, the first thing that goes through my head is "Oh shit." Yeah, I'm being pessimistic about it, but I always seem to care about people I can never have, so it seems like this will be an ongoing thing. This sort of problem is probably the worst, and there's not a lot that can be done about it. There are some standard responses to it: you can beat the fuck out of the nearest solid object, you can hop a bus and leave town, or you can try your friendly neighborhood liquor store. None of them really help much, but this is a kind of situation where you can't really sit around and do nothing, it leaves you with a feeling that you must do something about it, no matter how futile it may be. I tried the drinking route, it didn't help much, but it makes you forget, makes the time go by a bit faster, and when you come out of it, memories are hazy. It doesn't really do anything to change the outcome, and you'll probably just end up looking like a fool because of over-consumption. Eventually, I got out of this because a friend told me that the person I was drinking over thought it was a big negative, so I cut down hard, which anyone who has known me as of late will find a big shock. I had my friends and a lot of other people I really respect telling me to stop drinking, and I brushed them off, just telling them that I would be fine and to mind their own business. Anyone who has asked me this will be happy to know that I finally did, but not because of their requests, and things look pretty much the same. I guess there is something to be said for seeing every day with clarity, even if I don't have the brainpower to interpret it properly. I'm just kind of tired of being put down as immature because of things like this, just because I care about shit, and sometimes, things just fucking get to me. I feel kind of empty now that I've gotten these thoughts out of my head and into a place where the rest of the world can see them, even if they didn't make the transition to text as well as they should have. Very few people are talented enough to get things out of their mind without them changing. Maybe somehow, this will point me at some sort of solution for my problems, I originally thought that just toughing them out would work, and they would eventually resolve themselves, but that hasn't seemed to work, so I guess it's time to find something else to try. When I'm happy again, I'll be the person that everyone knew before, always able to make someone laugh, never tired, always up for something to do. I'll be glad to see that version of me back again. I kinda miss him. A wink, a smile, and a kiss good-bye. el_jefe =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions = = Mail: jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = To receive new issues through mail, mail majordomo@attrition.org with = = "subscribe fuck". 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