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=   F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K.   =
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                        Confronting My Old Self
                        -----------------------

	Suddenly this evening I was somehow confronted with my past self.
If that doesn't make sense then let me attempt to explain.  I saw something
that made my mind thrust forth a part of my past that I had long and since
forgotten about.  I was once an attempted 'hacker' I did everything I could
to learn the things that most hackers take for granted. It wasn't that I was
stupid, I was just say impatient.  I remember the complaints, I remember
the discouragement, but still I tried.  Well I still somehow have that
element in me but I never sat down until now and thought about it.  When I
left the environment of piss wars about 'knowledge' and other things that
are not worth mentioning.  I tried my hardest to learn how to break a system
before I knew the system, if that makes any sense to you.  When you see
these people that can break into or sneak into systems, you want nothing
more in life than to do that.  Somehow you just can't do it, you read the
text and then try to follow through is a waste of time.

	See people told me that I had to learn how the program ticked before
I could 'hack' it, yet I still tried and failed.  So that brings me to my
current position, here I sit going to graduate school, I am studying "Initial
Results in Electromechanical Mode Identification from Ambient Data" which
seems like a century ago when I was frustrated when I could figure out the
basics of a system as of Unix.  The major question in my head is am I still
a wannabe hacker?

	Since this is such a complicated question I have sat here in my
shitty graduate student housing trying to put this into words.  Since I
started school interested in computers and engineering, I have always
thought to myself  "how can I bypass this system.’  Sometimes I sit up at
night and go over systems that had nothing to do with my grade or my career
as an engineer, yet had everything to do with my drive to know every aspect
of a certain network or program. Some I still can't figure how to get around,
others I did.  Does this some how deem me as a hacker?  Well, that is a
matter of opinion.  Do I have a web page that has "MY k00l h4ck1ng s1t3” no,
not really.  Do I put out publications with USEFUL information?  No, even
if I did, no one will read it, and if they do, I would be surprised.  Do I
read 2600, not really, all they talk about anymore is some moron in jail.
I just do my own thing, I am not part of a group, I haven't even tried to
start a group because you know what, that isn't what it is about being a
hacker.

	I think that after all this retrospect on my little life, what have
I really gained? Am I ashamed of how I was, a little, but I don't regret it
at all.  Am I hacker?  This is a complicated question, by some definitions,
yes I am a hacker, and by others no I am nothing but a part time or casual
'hack'.  I think that I will leave this one to the masses. Will I ever get
involved in the 'scene' again?  Maybe, but my past is so clouded that I
really doubt it, I have better things to do than to get into fights
'on-line'.

	I guess the moral of all this is, some people will consider
themselves hackers when they are really nothing but people that ride on the
coat tails on others.  Some people don't even call themselves hackers and
have the skill and knowledge and drive to do it. The major question is who
or what category do you fit into?


- anonymous

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