=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= enlightenment ------------- i have moments where i understand everything about life, the universe, and most importantly, how the pattern weaves itself together so tightly and unendingly. protons and quarks, planets and poetry, music and literature, calculus and algebra, freud and jung.. they all become sewn together in my mind, and i can see the threads that bind them, slim and shiny, and i *know*, for one painful moment, why everything is. then i lose it. less frequently, i have realizations about myself. fortunately i rarely lose the lesson i learned during that moment of self-enlightenment, but they only happen once every few years, and the periods between are fraught with inner pain and an agonizing hollow sensation, as if i am merely waiting for that next moment of knowing so that i can piece together my reason for being before i can go on with the actual business of living. i had one such moment yesterday. suddenly, everything has become clear, and it is now, today, that the business of living can begin. i feel an inner peace so overwhelming that i can describe it only as a quasi religious experience, but as an agnostic, i cannot quite attribute this sensation to god or buddha or anything of that nature. i have spent my entire life feeling alone. i know that many others in this world have this same experience, yet i felt different in a way that no one seemed to be able to relate to. i have thoughts that do not mesh with experience of others. my past is dark and dirty. my brain works too quickly. i can almost hear the thoughts and feelings of others. i hallucinate. being around people is uncomfortable for me because of these oddities that float around in my mind. i feel like a freak. i thought that i was depressed and unhappy, and that it was all merely mental anguish that could be cured with a few years therapy and some carefully chosen drugs. i was wrong. i am happy this way. i like being alone. i like creating things at 3 a.m., coffee cup in hand. i like writing long stories that i never bother to get published. i like reading books that hurt my brain and working out how the author came to the conclusions she did. i like sketching my odd thoughts on paper. i like observing people, but not interacting with them. my existence is entirely cerebral and internal to myself, and it has become obvious that i am not capable of sharing that, that no one in this world can comprehend the things i say and do, and i am quite happy this way. i don't need anyone. no one needs to understand me, because i am not to be understood. i only have to exist, and someday i would like to find a way to share my inner world with others, but not now. it isn't finished yet. demonika =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions = = Mail: jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = To receive new issues through mail, mail jericho@dimensional.com with = = "subscribe fuck". If you do not have FTP access and would like back = = issues, send a list of any missing issues and they will be mailed. = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = AnonFTP FTP.DIMENSIONAL.COM/users/jericho/FUCK = = FTP.SEKURITY.ORG/pub/zines/fucked.up.college.kids = = FTP.GIGA.OR.AT/pub/hackers/zines/FUCK = = FTP.ETEXT.ORG/pub/Zines/FUCK = = WWW http://www.dimensional.com/~jericho = = http://www.reps.net/~krypt/fuck.html = = http://www.simunye.com/fuck = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = (c) Copyright. All files copyright by the original author. = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=