A Model of Stupidity by Greg Borek Sir, sir! Don't run away! It's Ms. Stanley! (Oh no!) I know. Ms. Stanley from Modelling & Statistics, how could I forget you. Look, I'm just on my way... Now, sir, this will only take a minute. I wanted to describe our latest findings... Can this wait? I have to..., um, get my nose polished. Call my secretary and we'll meet later this week. Sir, I've tried to set up a meeting with you but you always seem to be busy. (Sigh) Well,... you have my attention now. What is it? We in Modelling are really interested in our latest study... You in Modelling are always interested in your latest study. I can't help notice the level of enthusiasm in your department. My problem comes from the extremity and irrelevance of your results. You're not going to bring up the frogs again, are you, sir? We feel bad enough about that one already... Yes, the frogs. "Given the current rate of frog promiscuity we'll all be knee deep in frogs by 1992." Didn't quite happen that way, now did it? We use more sophisticated models now, sir. This sort of aberration shouldn't... Oh, OK, how about the meteors? "Meteors at least 1.8023 miles across will be striking the Earth in the Northern Hemisphere every 2.705 months starting in June, 1988, causing the extinction of house cats as we know them." Yes, I admit we've been a little "off" in the past, but we now know how we went wrong on that one too. We are really confident that this latest study is really close to the mark. Alright, alright. What is it? I hope you've settled on something not quite as complicated. What is the topic? Human intelligence. Fine. (Pause) Write your conclusions to me in a memo and... No, sir, just listen. We have found some direct correlations between IQ and certain human behaviors. I would rather have my eyeballs sucked out by a goat and replaced with burning coals than listen to... Sir, I know some of these studies have been, well, a little dry... Aaagh! ..but this one is not that bad. It's not complicated. And, besides, this has a direct impact on your employee hiring and evaluation process. (Sigh) Alright then, go ahead. Good. We've found that the following factors affect our model human IQ rating points by the following amounts: Hours of Gilligan's Island watched -.02 / hour watched Hours of Monty Python watched +.02 / hour watched Thinks that Windows is "neat" -5 Casual SysOp -1 Intense SysOp +5 Went to Penn State -2 Went to Penn State under the influence of alcohol +4 Went to Carnegie-Mellon +5 Went to Carnegie-Mellon without a scholarship -5 Number of programming languages known = 1 +1 (if that language is BASIC) -10 Number of programming languages known > 1 +3 / language Voted for William Clinton -10 Thinks Perot won debate with Gore -5 Trivial Pursuit playing +.01 / card memorized Chess Playing (Elo rating above 1600) +5 (Elo rating above 2000) +10 (Elo rating above 2600) -10 Can name any 5 of the Seven Dwarves +2 Can name all 7 of the Seven Dwarves -3 Can think of something other than elephants when told not to think about elephants +25 Number of pairs of shoes over 5 pairs -2 / pair over 5 Can name the 7 Deadly Sins +1 Number of Sins attempted/successfully completed +1 / each sin ... Sir? Sir! Are you all right? I wonder why he had that glazed look in his eyes right before he hit the floor? {RAH} -------------- Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you) in Falls Church, VA. He has previously been mistaken for a vampire. Netmail to: Greg Borek at 1:261/1129. Internet: greg.borek@rah.clark.net