s Guide Volume ][ Compiled by Ctrl-Reset Originally made on the Apple. An overrated, overpriced piece of Junk. Edited for the Commodore 64 with additions by, <<<2001>>> As stated in the first edition of The Real Pirate's Guide, there are a lot of pirates; unfortunately, a vast majority of them are morons. For this reason, these 'guides' have been as- sembled to aid in the growth and matur ity of the younger pirate generation. Which brings us to the golden rule of pirating: REAL PIRATES ARE OVER 15 YEARS OLD! (Exceptions are very rare!) What follows is a compendium of some of ideals and morals a Real Pirate should possess. Note that some have been taken over from the first Guide because of their high value, and because these rules are still widely knocked around. SOFTWARE ======== Real Pirates can appreciate the difference between Dual and Joust. Real Pirates have long-since deleted Trashman, Sexacuda, Flight 64, Cosmos, Lawn Mower, Adventure!, and still couldn't couldn't care about anything from Avalon Hill, SSI, and especially not Scott Adams. Corollary: Real Pirates would jump at the chance to 'help' Adventure International go Chapter 11. Real Pirates aren't obsessed with collecting all the Trillum Adventure games. Real Pirates respect the programming and creative talents of those working for Broderbund, Infocom, and Electronic Arts, and congratulate them on a valiant attempt to make money. Real Pirates didn't get excessively excited upon the release of Soft-Porn Adventure, Strip Poker, or anything of the sort. Real Pirates respect the efforts of other pirates to sell his or her own programs, but would distribute them at the drop of a hat. Real Pirates pirates aren't just learning machine language, they think and live it. Real Pirates don't contemplate why Atari sucks. Corollary: Real Pirates just know it. Real Pirates know that Sir Vielant is the biggest looser of all the 14 years olds on ANY CMBBS. Real Pirates aren't anticipating the release of the Ultima XXIV any time soon. Real Pirates know that Lord British is not the Monarch of any European empire. Real Pirates play Impossible Mission. BBSs ==== When posting a message, Real Pirates can differentiate between: z and s, ph and f, 2 and two, u and you, 0 and O, 4 and for, & there and their. Corollary: Real Pirates have long since had the ability to punctuate, spell and construct clear, well organized sentences.(With the exception of typos.) Corollary to the corollary: Real Pirates aren't constantly searching for new ways to spell WARES. Real Pirates don't use the prefix "k-" (ie. k-k00l, k-awesome, k-mart). Real Pirates use lower case. Corollary: Real Pirates don't type in all caps. Real Pirates don't use text graphics. Real Pirates don't use imbedded back- spacing to backspace over their name 50 million times. Real Pirates don't post 'I have' msgs , when they really don't have. Real Pirates don't try to impress others with their superior ability to add many carriage returns or corsor downs at the end of a message, thus preventing anyone from reading the last few lines. Real Pirates don't brag about people they know, or clubs they are in to the point of becoming obnoxious. Real Pirates don't obtain their phreak codes from the local 'Super -Elite Hack Board.' Real Pirates use the latest version of SuperColorTerm. Real Pirates, when trading with other Real Pirates, are not concerned about matching everything the other pirate sends them. Real Pirates are happy to send wares to other Real Pirates simply because they are in the same business. (ie.no, 'I send you 3 sides, you send me 3 sides'). Real Pirates don't wait for BBS' to print-out their goodbye message. Corollary: Real Pirates hang up before then. Corollary to the Corollary: Real Pirates don't need to look for other 'X-cellent Pirate BBs' in the goodbye message. Real Pirates always have a copy of New Punter and Copy Q ][ handy. Real Pirates don't end their messages with, leave e-mail to [xxx xxx], or anything of the sort. Corollary: Real Pirates don't respond to such messages, and in no way use them as a means to get 'new wares'. Real Pirates aren't found to frequent the local 'War board' except to grind some 13 year old TI user or Sir Vielant type or other little wimp into the dust. Real Pirates don't have to ask if you have New Punter. Corollary: Real Pirates assume everyone has it. Real Pirates don't make threats of violence against others through the phone lines. After all, how is someone living in Acron, Ohio going to 'beat the living shit out of' someone living in Waco, Texas? (Not through Zap Mail, that's for sure.) Real Pirates know that the disclaimers often stuck in by BBS sysops do little more then waste 20-40 bytes of RAM. Real Pirates don't post messages telling us what is 'old', so they can fill some space, thus making it look like they actually had a reason to post something relavent. Real Pirates don't think it's keen to be able to put '/ex' on a line by itself, and have it included in the message. Real Pirates have a 'sixth sense' that tells them which board to post a certain message on(ie. no 'new wares' messages on the Story Of ??? Board). Real Pirates can spot a 64Exchange or HAL BBS miles away. (God they are horrible!) Corollary: Real Pirates realize that 64Exchange is not a BBS. Corollary to the Corollary: Real Pirates realize 64Exchanges don't have message bases. GROUPS/NAMES ============ Real Pirates names aren't parodies of other known pirates (ie. The Bandit Boys, Franklin Bandit, 5 1/4" Jockey, etc.). Real Pirates names have no association to any type of music whatsoever (ie. Green Manalishi, The Scorpion,etc.). Never is the prefix 'Krack', or 'Crack' found in a Real Pirates name unless they actually can crack. Real Pirates know that R.P.G does not stand for Role Playing Games. It stands for the Infamous Real Pirates Guide! Real Pirates aren't named: The Ace, The Zapman, Lord Fagan, Captain Bly, Pac-Rat, The Wrench, The Caretaker, The Lumberjack, Mr. Party, The Fly, Happy Hacker, Sir Vielant, Blue Adept or Der Fuhrer. MISCELLANEOUS ============= When talking with a Real Pirate on the phone, you can be assured of not hearing Culture Club or the Pointer Sisters being played stridently in the background. Real Pirates are not offended by articles in NewsWeek simply because they make a few dorogatory remarks about BBS/modem users, and do not use this weak reason for making the author's life miserable. Real Pirates weren't dissapointed when Fantasy Island was cancelled, and didn't worry whether or not the Cuban midget would ever get another job. Real Pirates would like to see a final episode of The Love Boat, where Vicky absent-mindidly throws a lighted joint next to a propane tank, causing the ship to go up in a terrific display of fire and smoke, whilst seeing the heads and bodyparts of 'your crew' scattered about the water. Real Pirates watch Saturday Night Live, Miami Vice, etc... Real Pirates just don't give a damn! ====================================== Well, that's it. For now. If you were at all offended by anything in this article, that's your que to retire from pirating, because after all: Real Pirates aren't offended by things contained in text files. I would like to thank POL for his helpful contributions and input. Changes for Commodore and other additions and editing by 2001.