Real Programmers Don't Eat Quiche

Real Programmers don't eat quiche.  They like Twinkies, Coke and
palate-scorching Szechwan food.

Real Programmers don't write application programs, they program right    
down on the bare metal.  Application programming is for dullards who
can't do system programming.

Real Programmers don`t write specs.  Users should be grateful for
whatever they get; they are lucky to get any programs at all.

Real Programmers don't comment their code.  If if was hard to write
it should be hard to understand and harder to modify.

Real Programmers don't document.  Documentation is for simpletons who
can't read listings or the object code.

Real Programmers don't draw flowcharts.  Flowcharts are (after all) 
the illiterate's form of documentation.  Cavemen drew flowcharts; look
how much it did for them.

Real Programmers don't read manuals.  Reliance on a reference is the
hallmark of the novice and the coward.

Real Programmers don`t write in RPG.  RPG is for gum-chewing dimwits
who maintain ancient payroll programs.

Real Programmers don't write in COBOL.  COBOL is for COmmon Business
Oriented Laymen who can't run a business nor a real program.

Real Programmers don't write in Fortran.  Fortran is for wimp       
engineers who wear white socks.  They get excited over finite state
analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.

Real Programmers don't write in PL/1.  PL/1 is for insecure anal 
retentives who can't choose between COBOL and Fortran.

Real Programmers don't write in BASIC.  Actually, no programmers write in  
BASIC after reaching puberty.

Real Programmers don't write in APL, unless the whole program can be 
written on one line.

Real Programmers don't write in LISP.  Only faggot programs contain
more parenthesis than actual code.

Real Programmers don't program in PASCAL, BLISS, ADA, or any of those
other sissy computer sicence languages.  Strong typing is a crutch for
people with weak memories.

Real Programmers don't use any of those namby-pamby screen editors.  
Instead, Real Programmers edit with DISKZAP.

Real Programmers programs never work right the first time.  But if
you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working order
in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions.

Real Programmers never work 9 to 5.  If any Real Programmers are
around at 9 AM, it's because they were up all night.  

Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport which requires
a change of clothes.  Mountain climbing is OK, and Real Programmers
wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring
up in the middle of the office.

Real Programmers disdain structured programming.  Structured programming
is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-trained.
They wear neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an 
otherwise clear desk.

Real Programmers don't like the Team Programming concept.  Unless of
course, they are the Chief Programmer.

Real Programmers never "write" memos.  They "send" memos via the network.

Real Programmers have no use for managers.  Managers are a necessary 
evil.  They exist only to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters,
senior planners, and other mental defectives.

Real Programmers scorn floating point arithmetic.  The decimal point 
was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think big".

Real Programmers don't drive clapped-out Mavericks.  They prefer BMWs,
Lincolns, or pickup trucks with floor shifts.  Fast motorcycles are
highly regarded.