A man was to be married and his friends threw him a stag party... and what a party it was! Much drinking and merriment. As the evening wore on, the man was dancing nude and and hit his erect penis on the fireplace, knocking himself out. Concerned, his friends took him to the hospital. Following an examination, the emergency room physician told them that their friend's condition was stable, that he was bruised and sore, that the medical term for his injury was complicated but in layman terms, "He broke his prick". Not to worry though, because he supported the injured part with 4 tongue depressors neatly bound with tape. The next day, the wedding was flawless and the bride was unaware of any problems. In their honeymoon suite, the bride was spread eagled on the bed when her husband emerged from the bathroom and she said, "Come and get it honey, its all yours... untouched by any other, pure virgin wool". The groom smiled as he dropped his pajamas as he said to her, "Check this out, still in the crate". A man was walking in a cemetary and he came upon a grave which had a headstone that said "here lies John Smith, Attorney at Law, a good man". The man thought for a moment and said to himself, "I didn't know that they began the practice of burying two men in the same grave in this cemetary.". A teacher stood in front of her grade school classroom and said, "Behind my back, I'm holding something round and hard and red. What is it." Tommy raised his hand and said, "A red ball." The teacher replied, "No, it's an apple; but I like the way you're thinking." She then said, "Now I'm holding something that's green and hard and round. What do you think it is?" Sarah blurted out, "A green ball!" "No, it's a green apple; but I like the way you're thinking!" Jimmy stood up in the back of the room and shouted, "Teacher, I'm holding something in my pocket that's round and hard and has a head on it; what is it." The teacher became furious, and yelled back, "I won't stand for that kind of language, young man! March yourself over to the principal's office." On his way out, Jimmy walked past the teacher's desk and said, "I was holding a quarter in my hand; but I like the way you're thinking!" One Monday morning the teacher told her second grade class that each student would have to go to the blackboard and draw something exciting that happened at home on the weekend. Little Johnny drew a broken vase and little Mary drew a broken lamp. Poor little Sammy gets up and puts two dots on the board. The teacher said, "Sammy that is not something exciting, you will have to expain yourself and draw a new picture." Little Sammy says, "Well maam, isn't a dot a period?" The reply was, "Yes, but what has that to do with it?" Little Sammy, "Gosh durn if I know, but my sister in high school is missing two of them and everyone is running around the house in an uproar!!!" Do you know the definition of a gynecologist? A crack inspector!!! ------------------------------------- * * * * * * * * * DEFINITIONS * * * * * * * * * 1. COMPUTER A computer is a big electrified rock, which is designed to pass voltages through various other devices (other rocks) and make alleged sense. 2. DEVICES A device is a special kind of rock attached to the main rock (the computer). This rock provides the data that big rock uses. 3. DISKS A disk is a spinning piece of rock, which is magnetically charged to retain for a time the somewhat meaningful information to be garbled by the main rock. 4. TERMINALS A terminal is a rock that glows in the dark and (theoretically) displays the somewhat meaningful information to be garbled by the main rock. And so forth... FROM THE COMPUTER FUNNIES COLLECTION, A COMPILATION BY THOMAS M. PETERS. ------------------------------------컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� One day as a father was helping his son put together a train set, the son asked, "Why can big cats have little cats and big dogs have little dogs and big humans can have little humans, Why cant Big trains have little trains. The father said he would explain later. A couple months later the two were at a train station. The son went up to the engineer and asked, "Why can big cats have little cats and big dogs can have little dogs and big humans can have little humans, why cant big trains have little trains. The engineer looked down at the boy and said, "Well son.....Amtrack always pulls out on time. F U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM! While she was participating in the olympics, a sixteen year old American gymnast had her first sexual experience, going to bed with a stunning East German. Upon returning to her hometown, she promptly went to confession. After receiving absolution, the gymnast was so delighted that she did cartwheels down the aisle to the door. Awaiting her turn, old Mrs. Willoughboy said to her friend, "Can yu believe what Father Pickmont is giving for penance? Of all the days for me not to be wearing panties..." What's the motto of the Beastiality Club? In dog we thrust. Two young women were cruising the singles' bars, but were unsuccessful at finding a man. Finally, at the last bar in town they spotted a single fellow sitting at the bar. One of the girls walked over to him. "You don't look very happy," she said. "I'm not. I've just spent fifteen years in prision." "Fifteen years! What for?" "I beat my wife unconscious with a baseball bat, then thre her into a wood chooper." Nodding, the girl looked back at her friend and yells, "He's single!" What do husbands have in their pants that their wives don't want on their faces? Wrinkles. What are three words a woman does not want to hear when she is making love? I'm home dear. What's the difference between a college professor and a proctologist? A proctologist only has to deal with one asshole at a time. Storming into the drugstore first thing Monday morning, the young man slammed a carton and a receipt down on the counter. "I came in here on Friday and purchased twelve dozen condom," he yelled at the druggist. "Well, I counted them. There's only eleven dozen here." Looking ther man square in the eye, the druggist said contritely, "So sorry, sir, to have ruined your weekend." There was a cow that, for the sake of her health, was given an abortion. Or, as the witty veterinarian put it, she was decaffeinated...... What do they call an aborted fetus in Czechoslovakia? A canceled Czech. I saw this on a T shirt.... A chicken and an egg are laying (lying?) in bed smoking a cigaret. They obviously just got done having sex. The caption on the bottom reads...."WHO CAME FIRST?" What kind of liscense do lesbians need to get married? A liquer liscence. A guy is sitting on an airplane when he sees this beautiful chick sitting across the aisle. He notices that she is reading a magazine about penis size, so he figures he had better introduce himself. So he goes up and says, "What you reading?" She says, "Well, it says here that Native Americans have the thickest cocks of all men. And it also says that Polish men have the longest cocks of all men. ..... Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't get your name." He replies...."Tanto Kowalski" Little Sally came running in from school "Mommy! Mommy! At show and tell, Billy showed us something that's six inches long, has two nuts, and can make me very fat!" Gasping , the woman siad, "Sally! what on earth did he show you?" The girl replied, "An Almound Joy!" you can call it a malleable finite cylindraceous coil wrought of parallel axes with azimuthal terminates, or you can call it A PAPER CLIP Benny, a first grader, was walking home from school when he saw a blinding flash of light and a puff of smoke; in front of him stood his Fairy Godmother. She said, "I've come to grant you one wish and one wish only, what will it be?" He said that he wanted a big black bushy beard just like the guys on the Smith Brothers cough drop box. The Fairy Godmother tried to convince him to think of the future by saying, "You can have fame, fortune, longevity, or anything you can imagine so do you want to change your mind?" Benny said that he wanted the beard. The Fairy Godmother thought fear might change his mind so she said that if he ever shaved it off she would cremate him instantly and put his ashes in an urn. He insisted on the beard. The Fairy Godmother waved her magic wand and POOF... he had his beard. When he arrived home, he had a lot of explaining to do to his mother, but he managed. Benny's grade school years were full of ridicule and humiliation; his high school years went better, and when he was in college, he fit right in with the rest of the crowd. One day, he fell in love and asked his girl to marry him. She said that she would if he shaved off his beard. Benny explained the beard's origin and the Fairy Godmother's threat. His girlfriend didn't buy it. Love conquers all and Benny thought that the Fairy Godmother forgot about the incident by now so he lathered his face and took one stroke of the razor... POOF! There is an urn on the floor full of ashes. The moral of the story is.... A Benny shaved is a Benny urned. Every night before she went out on a date, the young girl was told by her mother, "Remember, dear. When he tries to touch you in a certain way , a girl's best friends are her legs." Much to her motherr's dismay, however, several weeks later her daughter announced that she was pregnant. "What! How did it happen? Didn't I tell you that your best friends are your legs?" "You did, Mama," she replied. "But there comes a time when even best friends must part." A man walked into a bar and ordered two drinks. He downed the first one and carefully poured the other into his hand. The bartender looked at him strangely and asked if he wanted another round. He ordered two more and did the exact same thing. Finally the curiousity of the bartender was too much to leave alone so he said to the man: "I have seen many strange things here but I have never seen anything like this. Could you please tell me what you are doing?" The man replied: "I am trying to get my date drunk!" What did the elephant say when he saw the native warrior running naked through the jungle? "How the hell does he eat with that thing?" Man, I had a girl friend and when I took her to the zoo and she saw what an elephant had, she would not go home with me. What's the best way to make a bull sweat? Give him a tight jersey. Did you hear that Saddam Hussein was meeting with Little Miss Muffet They we both talking about how the Kurds were getting in the way! Just heard the news on the radio - they have found evidence that WIlliam Kennedy Smith DID force himself on his unwilling victim. Smith told her that if she didn't have sex with him, that his Uncle Teddy would give her a ride home!!! A guy went hunting for duck. He was out hunting for an entire week and never managed to shoot a duck. On his way driving back to the big city he happened to see a duck flying over a barn yard. He hit the breaks, grabbed his gun and jumped out of his car, shooting at the duck flying by. Finally he hit the duck and it fell to the ground landing on the other side of the barn yard fence. As he climbed over the fence to fetch his prized catch the farmer approached him. "What do you think you're doin'?" the farmer asked. The man told him about his terrible luck on his hunting trip. But the farmer could have cared less. "The duck landed on my side of the fence, so it's rightfully mine" the farmer said. The man pleaded with the farmer for several minutes when the farmer said "I'll tell you what we'll do! we'll settle this country style.", "Country Style?" the man asked "What's that?" The farmer replied "First I'll kick you as hard as I can where it hurts the most! then you can kick me! we'll just going back and forth until only one of us can fight. Who ever is left standing at the end of the fight wins!" The man from the city thought about what this big husky country farmer had suggested, and reluctantly excepted his challenge. The farmer said "I'll go first!". He kicked the man so hard that the guy fell to his knees in horrible pain. His eyes watered, he clutched his sides and cried. The poor city man rolled around for nearly a half hour before he was finally able to make it back up to his feet again. Wiping the tears from his eyes, he looked at the farmer and said "Now I go, right?" The farmer looked at the little city guy with a befuddled look on his face and said "Oh, take the duck!" Q: HOW DID HELEN KELLER BURN HER FACE? A: BOBBING FOR FRENCH FRIES. Q: HOW DID HELEN KELLER BURN HER FINGERS? A: READING HER WAFFLE IRON. Why does Helen Keller play piano with one hand?? She sings with the other !!!! A new recruit showed up on his first day in the ARMY and was sent to get his supplies. The supply sergeant gathered up all his equipment but informed the soldier that they were temporarily out of rifles. At this the sergeant handed the new recruit a broom stick to use as his rifle until they were restocked. The new recruit laughed and asked him how a broom stick was supposed to serve his needs. The sergeant replied that he should simply hold the broom out in front of himself as he would a rifle and go "Bangidy, Bang, Bang!" The next day another new recruit met with the same dilemma as the first. Only he was not only assigned the broom stick to use as his weapon. But the sergeant also informed him that they were temporarily out of stock on bayonets. Well, the soldier got really upset and said "What am I supposed to do until you get more in?". The sergeant took the broom stick and tied a string around one end of the stick. He returned it to the soldier, who laughed. "What is this supposed to do for me?" asked the recruit. The sergeant replied that he should hold the broom as he would a real rifle and go "Stabidy, Stab, Stab!" A few days later the two new recruits found themselves in a hostile situation. The two of them had found themselves on the front line with war breaking out all around them. With no other troops in their immediate area the two soldiers nerves tightened as they saw the enemy heading towards them. A half a dozen troops came rushing their position as the two men thrust their broom sticks out in front of themselves and begain shouting "Bangidy, Bang, Bang! Stabidy, Stap, Stab!" at this the six enemy soldiers all dropped dead. The two recruits were completely amazed at what had just occured. But before they could dwell on the event for too long, they looked to see no less than a dozen more troopers running at them. The two soldiers were growing more confident with their situation. They bravely aimed their broom sticks and repeated "Bangidy, Bang, Bang! Stabidy, Stab, Stab!" and again all twelve of the enemy soldiers fell to the ground, dead. Now the two soldiers were really impressed with the weapons they had been assigned. Moments later, they didn't flinch when the looked to see a single enemy soldier walking completely unarmed in their immediate direction. The two recruits simply looked at each other and laughed about this soldier's stupidity. The two recruits again raised their broom sticks and chanted "Bangidy, Bang, Bang! Stabidy, Stab, Stab!", but to their amazement the lone soldier kept trudging towards them. Now the two recruits were nervous again. They couldn't explain this at all. Again they shouted "Bangidy, Bang, Bang! Stabidy, Stab, Stab!", and again nothing happened. As the soldier neared, the two recruits threw down their broom sticks and made every attempt to get to shelter. But the lone enemy trooper quickly caught up to the two recruits and stomped them into the soil. With an angry, confident expression fixed firmly on his face the trooper brought the two recruits to their knees and relentlessly pummeled them to death. After he had finished, the enemy trooper continued forward heading over the front line. And as he enthusiastically moved onward he could be heard chanting to himself "Tankidy, Tank, Tank!" A container containing what the container is contained in... ...contains nothing. What does a Swan do gracefully, a Duck try to do, and a Lawyer should do? Stick his bill up his ass!! Did you hear the story on the pretty your girsl who went on a fishing trip with 6 guys? The guys came back with bluegills and walleyes while she came back with a red snapper. While giving a physical, the doctor noticed that his patient's shins were covered with dark, savage bruises. "Tell me," said the doctor, "Do you play hockey or soccer?" "neither," said the man. "My wife and I play bridge." Years ago, a six year old boy was sailing with his parents in the South Pacific when their boat sank. Only the boy made it to shore, staggering onto the golden sands of an uninhabited island. Years later, a young woman researching the islands for her Ph. D. in anthropology found the island and its inhabitant who was now a young man with a bronze, impressive physique. "Good lord," she said, "how long have you lived alone here?" "As near as I can figure," he replied, "thirteen years." "And how have you survived?" "Actually, it hasn't been difficult at all. I pick berries, eat fruit, and dig for clams." "What about sex?" she asked. The young man said that he had no idea what sex was, and, rather than explain it, she removed her clothing and seduced the strapping youth right there on the beach. When they were finished, she asked, "how did you like it?" "Marvelous," he said, "but Christ look what you did to my clam digger!" It was her first day on the job at the Double-Bubble plant, and Griselda fell into a vat of gum. Naturally, her boss chewed her out........... After suffering through years of his wif'e gowawful coffee, the man spit it out and took the coffee maker to his lawyer. Dropping it on the attorney's desk, the man growled, "Here they are!" "Here are what?" the startled lawyer asked. "Grounds for Divorce." A man was standing on a street corner whene he saw a funeral prosession. At the end of the prosession was a man with a dog and a hundred or more other guys. Being curious man 1 asked "I hate to bother you in your moment of grief but I was wonderen what is going on, I ain't never seen nothing like this." Man 2 "My wife died." Man 1 "I'm sorry to hear that." Man 2 "The dog here, my Doberman Pincher mauled her to death." Man 1 stops and thinks about this for a second and asks "Can I barrow your dog there." Man 2 "Get in line buddy." a black cat is considered bad luck, but a white cat is called "pussy"? A hunter from out East was stalking ducks near Texarcanna, where three states join. He spies a duck, shoots it and is about to pick it up when he hears a voice. "Howdy son. That was a mighty good shot. Hope you got the right license for that duck." The hunter looks up to see a good ol' boy game warden. The hunter asks, "What kind of license do I need?" The game warden promptly picks up the duck, sticks his finger in its rear end, pulls it out and smells his finger. "That's a Louisian duck, son. You got a Louisian duck license?" The hunter shows the game warden that he indeed does have a Louisian duck license. "Well okay, son. But just be careful." A while later, the hunter bags another duck, and again the game warden is right on the scene. "Hope you got the right license for this duck, son." The warden again uses his finger to check the duck and announces, "This is a Texas duck. You got a Texas duck license?" The hunter digs throught his wallent andproduces a Texas duck license. "Okay, son, just be careful." A short while later the hunter bags another duck. Again the game warden arrives, checks the duck and announces that it is an Arkansas duck. "You got an Arkansas duck license?" The hunter looks in his wallet and to the game warden's amazement, produces an Arkansas duck license. "Damn, boy. You got every kind of license. Where are you from anyway??" At this the hunter promptly drops his pants and bends over saying, "You're the expert. You tell me." While nursing a drink at a bar, a young woman was destresseed to see a drunken unkept man sit down next to her. "Say, honey-baby ... I'd really like t'get into those pants o'yours." "Thanks," she shot back, "but I've already got an asshole in there." little boy to little girl: "I sure would like to get into your pants" little girl to little boy: "Why?" little boy: "'cause I shit in mine!" An elderly gentlemen went to the doctoor for a physical. After examining the man, the doctor said "I think you are alright, but just the same before you leave I would like a urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen sample." The man, who was a little hard of hearing, turned to his wife and said "What did the doctor say?" His wife quickly replied "He wants your shorts!!!!!" One day a young man went to a pharmacy and asked the little old lady behind the counter if he could speak with the pharmacist. "I am the pharmacist," she informed him. "Oh, in that case forget it," he replied and started to leave. "Young man," the lady said to him, "my sister and I have been pharmacists for forty years and there is nothing we haven't heard, so what is your problem?" "Well," the young man said reluctantly, "I have a problem with erections. Once I get hard, it won't go down for hours and hours, no matter how much I masturbate or how many times I have intercourse! Please, can you give me something for it? "I'll have to go in the back and talk to my sister." she informed him. About ten minutes later she came back. "Young man, I have consulted with my sister and the best we can give you is $100 a week and a third interest in the pharmacy." What is the German word for constipation: FarFromPoopen What's gray and comes in quarts? An elephant. Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand." "So", says the second drunk, "What's yer point?" "Well", says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!" A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks up to the car and sees a nice-looking woman is driving and smells liquor on her breath. He says, "I'm going to have to give you the breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." She blows up the balloon and he walks over to the police car. After a couple of minutes comes back and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones." She replies "You mean it shows that, too?" "Say, Horace," one farmer asked the other, "you ever seen a egg plant?" "Certainly,: replied the other. The first farmer shook his head. "Ya just gotta tell me how you got far enought up the chicken's ass to look." If mothers have Mother's Day and fathers have Father's Day, then what do single men have? Palm Sunday! On their wedding night the husband was so self-conscious about the smallness of his penis that before undressing, he snapped off the light. Once he was in bed, he unziped his pants and handed his member to his bride. "That's thoughtful, darling." she cooed, "but we"ll need the light if you want to write thank you notes." As you may know, Martina Navara-Telova (sp?) is in the midst of a multi-million dollar palimony suit with her former female lover. As I see it, Martina could have held back that wave of lawsuits if she would just have put her finger in the dyke. . . While making love together for the first time, Teddy was furious when his girlfriend suddenly stopped and lay back. "What's wrong?" he demanded. "Forgive me," she said, "but it's your organ. It just isn't big enough. "Forgive *me*," Teddy replied, "but it wasn't meant to be played in a cathedral. What kind of shampoo did Dahmer use? Answer - Head and Shoulders. Did you hear they let Dahmer out on bail? It cost him an arm and a leg. He used to work at Ambrosia - dipping nuts in chocolate. Then he lost his job, but a few of his neighbors gave him a hand. Well, Dahmer had enrolled in night school only recently. Somebody told him that a good education was a sure way to get ahead. How bout the Dahmer Cafe? Serving our fellow man for over a decade. Our motto: It tastes kinda like chicken! ... but you know that the police let him slip through their hands... ... they couldn't lay a finger on him. Did you notice how Dahmer was so cool and collected in the court room? That's because his lawyer advised him to keep a stiff upper lip! You know that Dahmer could predict the weather? He had a trick knee! Do you know what they found in Dahmer's sewing kit? Belly buttons. Do you know where they found his sewing kit? Between the foot stool and the arm chair. A man goes skydiving. After a fantastic free fall he pulls the rip cord to open his parachute but nothing happens. He tries everything but can't get it open. Just then another man flies by him, going UP. The skydiver yells, "Hey, you know anything about parachutes? The man replies, "No, you know anything about gas stoves? how do you get your children to take a bath??? Tell them it's practice for the pool!! The next day how do you get them out of the pool?? Through in a bar of soap!! (dahmer Jokes) I heard that they were opening a new resturant on Lincoln Memorial Drive called Pieces of 11 (or was that 17) Did you know that his favorite part of a hockey game is the face-off!!!! Did you know that his favorite food was tied between head cheese and finger sandwiches? A sandwich is a sandwich, but a "Manwich" is a meal. Dahmer's apartment is available for rent - will cost you an arm and a leg to rent it though. It does come with a roommate however (some assembly required). Heard they are considering renaming Milwaukee to Hackensack. Milwaukee: the land of cheeseheads and shreaded-deads. Do you know why Dahmer never drove? Because he couldn't find a car with enough HEAD ROOM. Do you know why Jeff Dahmer intended to move before he was caught? He needed an apartment with more Elbow Room. Dahmer's first comments to police: Come on guys, have a heart. Why were many victims reluctant to go out with Jeff? Because they would have to leave their friends behind. Have you heard that Pee Wee Herman has declined the assistance of legal aid? He says that he can get off by himself! These 3 guys were fishing one hot summer day when the fisherman in the middle hooked into a very large fish that he fought for several minutes. Finally the fish won and pulled him into the water, straight to the bottom. The other 2 guys just sat and watched for a long while for their friend to surface. Finally afterabout half an hour one guy says to the other "don't ya think we should dive down and get him"? SO the other fisherman jumps in and swims around and finally brings him up. his friend is doing mouth to mouth and says "boy I really don't remember Joe having breath this bad". TO which the other fisherman replied, "yeah, and I don't remember him wearing a snowmobile suit either"! The same guys go on a fishing trip to Canada. When they get there, they hire a guide and go out on the lake. One guy is getting all the bites at first. As he hauls in the first one, the guide pulls it up out of the water and throws it back. "why did you do that?" "Not big enough". He gets another bite and after a few minutes, lands another fish. The guide throws it back. "Still too small". Finally he gets a really big fish on the line. He fights it for 30 minutes. The guide leans over the boat and cuts the line. "What's wrong with that fish?" "Too big. You'll never land him." During a routine physical, a doctor tells his patient to drop his pants. After the exam, the doctor says to the man, "You have the filthiest balls I've ever seen!" The guy goes home to his wife and says, "I want to talk to you about something." She replies, "Not now, I've been so busy lately that I haven't had time to wipe my ass!" He says, "That's what I want to talk to you about." I read that when Jeffery Dehlmer wants to deodorize his refrigerator, all he has to add is the "hammer". i've no mother, no father, I'm born without skin, i speak only once and never again. What am i? a fart Jeff invited his mom over for dinner. They were in the dining room eating quietly for awhile when Jeff's mom looked up and said, "You know, Jeff, I don't really like your friends." Jeff replied, "That's O.K., mom, just eat your vegetables." Yeah mom, I've got a bone to pick with you tonight. (Dahmer Building) Well, it seems that while Alderman Henningsen has taken the position that the Oxford Apartments should be torn down, the city assessor's office is on the record as opposed to the move... You see, they discovered that there's 22 feet more to the building than originally stated. � ...in case you missed Dahmer's Rummage Sale: Headrest Armchair Footstool ....and if you got there early you got a Hand Woven rug. What did he keep in the birdcage? A Cockortwo. Did you hear that they dropped all charges against Pee Wee Herman? The judge thought that the evidence wouldn't stand up in court! What's the difference between a tire with 70,000 miles on it and 400 used rubbers? One's a good-year, the others a very good year. Jeff "the Chef" Dahmer...The Queer that Made Milwaukee Famous Jeff lived in Wisconsin, the land of Cheddarheads and Shredded-deads. Jeff's new movie is "Silence of the Limbs", Siskell & Ebert give it "2 thumbs off!" Jeff's favorite second course is Stu Mulligan. Jeff's favorite Chinese dish is Chow Man. A famous golfer that Jeff stopped eating after just two bites: Jack Nippleless! When they took Jeff away, he begged police, "Have a heart!" Jeff's favorite candy bar is Buttered Fingers. Jeff the Chef won a three-legged race at the fair...all by himself! A lot of times, Jeff's neighbors get mad and go off half- cocked. Jeff's favorite expression? "Eat your heart out!" Why does Jeff the Chef sing when he eats a sandwich? "My baloney has a first name..." The last thing one of Jeff's neighbors said after a fight: "Okay, ya don't have to bite my head off!" Pee Wee Herman and Jeff the Chef have a favorite dish in common...it's Beef Strokin' Off Jeff's favorite option on a car? Tilt wheel. Why? More headroom! What does Jeff call a 10 car pileup? Smorgasboard! Jeff's serial killer nickname: "Son of Spam" Why is Jeff the butt of so many jokes? Because you are what you eat! Jeff's favorite tropical blender drink is a Penis Colada. Drinks that Jeff the Chef might order at the bar: a couple of high balls, or a Bloody Harry...or a fuzzy navel! Jeff's favorite antacid? Rec-Tums! Sometimes Jeff has to flip a coin to decide what to eat...heads or tails. Jeff's favorite frozen dessert is Eyes Cream! Jeff's favorite toast at a party..."Bottoms Up!" What do Wisconsin and New Jersey have in common? Hack'n'Sack! Jeff's favorite vacation spot? Hungary! Jeff's last job? In a bodyshop. Jeff originated the idea of "Hands Across America." Jeff's favorite part of a hockey game...the face off. When Jeff gets sick of something, he throws up his hands. Jeff's third favorite sandwich? Cold Cuts! Jeff's favorite store? Footlocker! Jeff has a kid -- he's spoiled rotten! Every time Jeff breaks up with a guy, the guy goes all to pieces! Jeff's favorite brand of clothing? Dis-Members only. Yesterday Jeff passed one of his old neighbors in the restroom. Jeff is a great neighbor! He's always willing to give you a hand! Jeff bought a new refrigerator. It seats six. UPDATE: Jeff replaced his 6-seater refrigerator or one with more elbow room. When Jeff orders a beer, he insists that it have a head on it. Jeff's favorite book: "A Farewell to Arms." Jeff had trouble picking up dates...they had to leave their friends behind. "I don't think Jeff likes me -- he's always giving me the cold shoulder!" Jeff's not doing well these days, at least financially. In fact, he's living hand to mouth! Now that Jeff's in the hands-on-ankles hotel, he's in a bad mood -- he's chewing everybody out! Jeff says at a party, "Sorry...I guess I really put your foot in my mouth that time!" One of Jeff's surviving neighbors just flew in from Milwaukee. And if he had any, boy! would his arms be tired! People love to invite Jeff to parties. He's a real cut-up! Gay men love Jeff. They know they can always drop by for a cold one. Why do people love Jeff's parties? He makes great finger sandwiches! When Jeff worked, how did he get paid? Severance! Why was Jeff the Chef thrown out of the Navy? When they yelled "All hands on deck" he showed up with silverware! What was his rank in the Navy? Sergeant at Arms! What did Jeff say when he finished eating one of his neighbors? "I've had my Phil." Why does Jeff love to eat convicts? It's his way of taking a bite out of crime. The menu at Jeff's new restaurant: beans and Frank Chuck roast baked Alaskan handburger moo-goo-guy-in-a-pan rice-a-Ronnie kidney beans tongue sandwich with head cheese spaghetti and meat balls Terry Aki Shish-K-Bob Rump Roast Head Lettuce Elbow Macaroni Bob-B-Que Sloppy Joe ManWich Jeff brought a whole new meaning to the expression "Belly up to the bar" The police found corn flakes in the hair of one of Jeff's victims heads. That's when they knew for sure he was a cereal killer. New product -- Jeff Dahmer Super Ointment: gets rid of athlete's foot, athlete's head, athlete's arm... Jeff's favorite past-time...finger pointing. What do Cinderella's fairy godmother and Jeff have in common? They both cut off the balls at midnight! Jeff's favorite sport? Back-packing! His favorite childhood game? Tic-Tac-Toe What did Jeff the Chef say when he met police at the door? "Just a second, I've got buns in the oven!" Jeff's favorite country group? The Kentucky Headhunters. When Jeff needs to deodorize his refrigerator, he just needs to put in the hammer. Jeff's favorite song: "I Fall to Pieces" (but some say that it's really "The First Time Ever I Sawed Your Face") Jeff the Chef is a really nice guy. He's always going to the ice box and taking a friend out for dinner! What do Jeff and the squirrels have in common? They're both storing up nuts for the winter! Why was Jeff fired from a bank? He was eating all the "Bills". What's Jeff's favorite chewing gum? "Denny-teen" Why did Jeff always make girls nervous? He was always giving them the eye. What has two heads, three legs, six arms and hums? A refrigerator in Milwaukee! Jeff doesn't mind when people give him the finger. Jeff's favorite grocery store? Chop'n'Save. When his neighbors refused to talk to police, the police said "What's the matter? Jeff got your tongue?" What's Jeff's second favorite sport? Hand Ball! What's Jeff's other new movie? "A Pocket of Lips Now" Jeff's favorite hot breakfast food? Hash Browns... or Has Smiths... or Hash Joneses... or Well, it seems that while Alderman Henningsen has taken the position that the Oxford Apartments should be torn down, the city assessor's office is on the record as opposed to the move...you see, they discovered that there's 22 feet more to the building than originally stated. What's the definition of a Red Head??? ..... a blonde with brains! Q: What is the mating call of a brunette? A: Has the blonde gone home yet? While a hunky patient was having a body cast removed, one of the nurses at the hospital happened to notice that he had the word "little" tattooed on the shaft of his penis. Curious, she mentioned this to a coworker, then arranged to go out on a date with the patient. The next morning she came to work with a huge smile on her face. "I don't understand it," the coworker said. "Why on earth would you want to out with a man who had 'Little' on his penis." "Because," she said, "when I stroked it, I found out that it said 'Little Anthony's Pizza-we deliver twenty-four hours a day, every day of the year.'" Straight out of college and not terribly sharp, a young reportter lands a choice assignment: to interview both the president of the United States and the prime minister of Israel. Heading to the White House, he is ushered into the Oval office. Looking at the chief executive's desk, he asks what each of the phones is for. "This one," says the president, "is a direct line to the chairman of the Soviet Union. The one next to it is a direct line to the prime minister of Israel. And the one next to that is a direct line to God." "God!" the reported gasps, scribbling furisouly, "Gee, how much does it cost to call God?" "Oh, about ten thousand dollars a minute," says the preisdent. Completing the interview the reporter hops onto a plane and flies to Tel Aviv. After being introduced to the prime minister, they sit down at his desk. The reported ask what all of the phones are for. "With this one," says the prime minister, "I can talk directly to the president of the United States. And with this one, I can telephone the president of Egypt." "And the one next to it?" asks the reporter. "It's a special line," the Prime Minister says. "With it I can talk directly with God." "And how much does it cost you," the reporter asks. "A quarter" "A quarter? But the president told me it costs him ten thousand dollars a minute!." "That's true," the prime minister replies, "But from here, it's a local call." A Chinese gentleman was on holiday in Paris when he happened upon a very stunning lady of the evening, who was only too willing to accompany him back to his hotel. They strolled arm-in-arm down the Champs d'Elysee the few short blocks to the room, whereupon the Chinese gentleman set a Guiness Book record for getting his clothes off, climbed into the bed and made love to the young lady for quite a long time. The Chinese fellow then said, "excusez moi, madame, je suis tres fatigue". He got up out of the bed and walked to the window, where he took a deep breath. Then he playfully dived under the bed, came up on the other side, and proceeded to make love again. Having satisfied himself once more, he said, "excusez moi, madame, je suis tres fatigue", and again got out of the bed, took a deep breath at the window, and dived under the bed, only to come out on the other side, reinvigorated enough to make love once more. After three more "excuse moi's" and deep breaths at the window, it was the young lady who said, "non, pardonnez moi, mais JE suis tres fatigue". She got up out of the bed, walked to the window, took a deep breath, and turned to look under the bed, where she saw three Chinese gentlemen lying in a row like sardines. An Italian and a German were riding in an elevator when the German cut loose with a really loud, explosive fart. The Italian couldn't handle it, started waving both arms in front of his face, and said, "I'm sorry, in Italy we NEVER fart like that". To which the German replied, "Ja, that is because you nefer close your mouths long enough to build up adequate back pressure." This koala bear flys in from Austrailia to visit his friends in New York. His friends take him out to a house of ill repute for a night of wild abandon. The next morning, the koala bear is putting on his things and walking out, but he is stopped by the madam. "Ahem!!!" says the madam. "Ahem, What?" replys the koala bear. The madam asks "do you know where you are?" and the koala bear replys "well yes, I'm in a house of ill repute." The madam says "look honey, I don't think you get the idea - take this dictionary and look up 'prostitute'. So the koala bear looks up 'prostitute' in the dictionary and reads: "A woman who trades sexual services for money." The koala bear, looking puzzled hands the dictionary back to the madam and says "OK, look up KOALA BEAR." So the madam looks up 'koala bear' and reads: "A small Austrailian marsupial which eats bushes and leaves." What's worse than a pimple on your nose? A blackhead in your refrigerator! What does Jeffrey Dahmer have that Mike Ditka (of the Chicago Bears) wants? . . . . . brains in his refridgerator... Did you hear that Dahmer's kids are spoiled rotten??. One day, all the parts of the body got together to decide who should be boss. The first one who spoke was the brain, saying, "I should be boss because I control all of you other parts of the body." Next the arms spoke and said "but without me, the body probably could survive, so I should be boss." The legs then spoke up and said, "but without me, the body couldn't get anywhere, so I should be boss." The eyes had their say too -- "without me the body couldn't navigate, so I should be boss." While they were all arguing, the ass-hole spoke up. "What about me?" it said. All the other parts of the body laughed. How could the ass-hole be boss? So the ass-hole got mad and closed up. Soon the arms became shaky, the legs wobbly, the eyes crossed, and the brain couldn't think straight, and they all conceded and made the ass-hole boss. The moral of the stroy is........... You don't have to a brain, have vision, be a mover, or the right arm ro be boss --- JUST AN ASS-HOLE!! I needed to paint my house, so I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint in the shape of my house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included so I had to buy them again. I have a telescope on the peephole on my door, so I can see who's at the door for two hundred miles. I like to skate on the other side of the ice. Steven Wright ...Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all... Where do you take your dog if it loses its tail. A re-tail store. What happens to you if you don't pay your exorcist? You get reposessed! Computer people insert it between the margins. Computer people do the hard drive. I can't do the hard drive, I've got a floppy. :-( Did you hear the one about the dyslexic guy who tried to commit suicide by jumping in back of a bus? This beautiful blonde is speeding through town when a police officer pulls her over. The officer asks to see her license. The blonde shows a puzzled look on her face, and asks what a license is. The cop answers by saying that she had to take a written test, a drivers test, then if she passed, she got a little piece of paper with her picture and her address on it encased in plastic. "Oh, I think I've got one of those." So the blonde digs in her purse and pulls out the license. The officer goes back to call it in. A minute later, he returns and asks for her registration. "What's a registration?" she asks. "When you purchase a car, we send you license plates, a sticker, and a little pink piece of paper with the model of the car on it." She stops and thinks about it for a minute, then says "OH, I think I've got one of those." And she digs in the glove compartment and produces the registration slip. The cop goes back to the squad car and calls it in. A minute or two later, the cop comes back with his pants down and his rod hanging out. "Miss, I'm going to have to ask you to take a breath-a-lizer test." A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. "Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?" What do Jeffery Dahmer and the Chicago Bears have in common????? They both have refigerators that stink!!!!! What are his[PeeWee's] favorite soft drinks? Squirt and cream soda! Did you hear about the test that they ran on women? They wanted to see how fast they could go. Well they can only go 68, because they blow a rod when they hit 69! Did you hear about this poor guy. His whole left hand side of his body fell off. He's allright now. (picture Rodney D. saying this) Fat!! My wife's so fat she doesn't even complain if you leave the toilet seat up! I tell ya... my wife's so fat, she has to have help using the bathroom. After she finishes, someone has to help her break the suction. If Olive Oil comes from pressing olives, and coconut oil comes from pressing coconuts, where does baby oil come from? Angry bus patrons in the Midlands of England complained to bus company officials when drivers repeatedly failed to stop and pick them up. In defense, the company noted, "It is impossible for the drivers to keep their timetable if they have to stop for passengers." Campus Life "The most important thing to find out about your electrical system is whether it contains enough "volts", which are little tiny pieces of energy shaped like arrows so you can tell which direction they're moving. The standard measurement for volts is "amps", also called "watts", which travel around in a "circuit" as follows: At the electrical company, fuel oil is burned to set fire to a generator, which gives off electrical energy in the form of sparks, which are put into wires and sent to your home, where the electricity waits in the wall until you turn on your toaster, at which point it rushes through the wire and into the English muffin, and from there into your stomach, where it remains until you are walking down a hall scuffing your feet on the carpet and you go to open a door, causing the electricity to leap into the doorknob, where it remains forever, which is why scientists are now concerned that if some unscrupulous entity such as Libya or an adolescent male ever figures out how to release this power, he could, using only the latent doorknob energy contained in a single older ranch-style home, vaporize Oregon." You know, i's really not too nice to joke about Pee-Wee Herman now that he died...he had a massive stroke! Actually, Pee-Wee didn't die after all...he just decided to stick it out. They found Michael Jackson's glove....Pee-Wee's date needed a new dress. I was recently shown a poster that seems fitting after last sundays Green Bay Packer game. It reads "Will the woman who left her 11 children at Lambeau Field please come pick them up. They're beating the Packers." ZDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD? 3 YOU KNOW YOUR A REDNECK IF.... 3 @DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDY You still have an 8-track tape player in your car or house. Your idea of safe sex doesn't include anyone else. You have ever bar-be-qued hamburgers at the driver-in theater. You liked the velvet picture of Elvis that someone in a van sold you beside the highway better than anything you saw at an art show or museum. You own more than three shirts with cut-off sleeves. You have ever driven down the road with your seat belt hanging out of the door making sparks. You have ever spray-painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass. Someone asks to see your ID, and you show them your belt buckle. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income. You have ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle. Jack Daniels is on your list of most admired people. You see no need to stop at a rest stop because you have an empty milk jug in the car. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging. You have ever had to scratch your sister or girlfriend's name out of the message "For a good time, call _______." Red Man chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card. You bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work. Your dad walks to school with you because you're both in the same grade. You view the next family reunion as a great chance to meet a woman. Your wife has a beer gut, and you think it's attractive. You have ever signed a petition to have the national anthem changed to "Free Bird." You call your boss "Dude." You have ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. You need one more hole punched in your card before you get a freebie at the "House of Tattoos." You get an estimate from the barber before he cuts your hair. You look like Willie Nelson after you get your hair cut. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers. You've ever worn a cowboy hat to church. You have sunglasses that are mirrored on the inside. You think BMW are the call letters for a radio station. You wear a belt buckle that weighs more than three pounds. You've ever been to a funeral or wedding where there were more pickup trucks than cars. Your all-time favorite movie is "Cannonball Run." You have any relatives named "Elmer" or "Jed." Your girlfriend thinks the way you pick your nose is cute. You wish your house looked like the one on the beginning of "Beverly Hillbillies" or "Green Acres." Your favorite actors are Gomer Pile, Goober, and Barney Fife. Your pet parrot knows how to whistle the song to "the Andy Griffith Show." Your brother-in-law is also your uncle. You've refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for Best Picture. You prominantly display a gift you bought at Graceland. You consider Outdoor Life deep reading. Your mother keeps a spittoon on the ironing board. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding. The most common phrase you hear at your family reunion is "What are you looking at, shithead?!" You think beef jerky and moon pies are two of the major food groups. You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior. You think the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time. You've even been too drunk to fish. You use a rag as a gas cap. You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken. Your lifelong goal is to own a fireworks stand. After making love you have to ask your date to roll down the window Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does. You own a belt buckle that weighs more than 3 pounds. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain. Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People". You've ever been to a funeral where there are more pick-up trucks than cars. Your idea of safe sex is a padded headboard. Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade. You have a Hefty bag for the passenger-side window of your car. You've ever worn a cowboy hat to church. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers. Your idea of fiscal responsibility is having enough money to keep beer in the fridge and gas in the truck. You think BMW are the call letters of a radio station. You have ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. You have more than three shirts with cut off sleeves. You bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work. If your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs. If your dad walks you to school because your in the same grade. You consider yourself to have a persoalized license plate, as your father made it for you in prison. You think 'Volvo' is part of a woman's anatomy. When asked for I.D., you show your belt buckle. Your father persuades you to quite school, as there's a job opening at the Jiffy Lube. You've broken more than one tooth trying to open a bottle of beer. You need only one more hole punched in your card for a free tatoo. Here's a hillbilly joke I heard recently: After marrying his sweetheart, Billy Ray Bob and Becky Sue Bob go off on their big honeymoon night. The next day, Billy Ray Bob drives over to see his folks. Strutting up to his pa, he proudly mentions that he sure had a great time last night (wink, wink), but was surprised to find out that Becky Sue Bob was a virgin. "A virgin?!!" his pa screamed. "Boy, you gotta get rid of that girl right now!!" Stunned by his pa's reaction, Billy Ray Bob can't understand it. "Why, Pa, why do I have to get rid of her?" "Damn, Boy, haven't I taught you anything right? If she isn't good enough for her own family, she sure isn't good enough for you!" What do you call a 12 year old virgin in Tennessee? -- A girl who can out run her brother. How can you tell a redneck family? -- Their family tree doesn't branch.