A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the volley of the Dills. A banker fell over board. His friends couldn't find a life preserver. One asked, "Can you float alone?" The women at one college called a would be romeo a great natural athlete. He makes every broad jump. A filibuster, throughing your wait around. Molly invented a stainless-steel sink. It's called the Unbrownable Molly Sink. A reverend wanted to call another reverend. He told the operator, this is a parson to parson call. A farmer with lots of chickens posted the following sign. "Free Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over." A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing. Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. Mort is the expert. Bill is not the rigger Mort is. Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family often doesn't have a legacy to stand on. The judge fined the offender fifty dollars and told him if he was caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow. A rock store was closed by the police, they were taking too much for granite. A man who keep stealing mopids was an obvious cycle-path. A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police during a raid at the house of a mobster. His excuse, "I was making a bolt for the door." A farm in the country side had seven turkeys, it was known as the house of seven gobbles. A man was reading The Canterbury Tales at breakfast one saturday morning. His wife asked "What have you got there?" "Just my cup and Chaucer." A women was in love with fourteen soldiers, it platoonic. Max told his friend he didn't want to go for a hike in the hills. "I'm an anti-climb Max." Known as a tough, nasty umpire, the man in a foul mood upon walking into his home asked his son to come sit on his lap, "Not now dad, GI Joe is still on." The son never sits on a Brutish Umpire. A new wagon designed for LA rush hour traffic is called the Stationary wagon. An Uncle died, left several hundred clocks to a niece, she's busy winding up the estate. A Texan down on the range is suing for a divorce. He found his dear and an interloper playing. Two cheerleaders ended up married, they met by chants. Two cans of paint got married, later the bride whispered, "Darling, I think I'm pigment." Two boy silkworms pursued a luscious girl silkworm. They ended up in a tie. A doctor told the boy, "This injection won't hurt a bit." That's an MD promise. Advice to ice skaters: You can't always tell a brook by its cover. A guru hops around often, he's known as the Kan Guru. A hermit was arrested after driving a hundred miles an hour, the charge was recluse driving. What do they call a man who builds twenty boats a month? Sir Launchalot. The clerks of a store went on strike. Things were fine until the owner found out one of the picketers had had smallpox. The owner called the union, "This time you've gone to far. My picket has been pocked." A swami stopped in at the butcher shop and asked for butcher for a pound of liver, but the dishonest butcher weighed down upon the swami's liver. A prospector marched into an assayer's office and planted two huge nuggests on the counter. "Well, don't just stand there, assay something!" Indian Chief Shortcake died, so Squaw bury Shortcake. An Indian family with sixteen kids was just one big Hopi family. A fortune-teller started laughing seconds after looking into his crystal ball. The client hit him. "Why did you do that" "My mother always told me to strike a happy medium." An American family sent some poor cousins in East Germany a package of food. Weeks later when they heard it still had not arrived, cabled the cousins with "Cheer up, the wurst is yet to come." A man walks into Red Square on day screaming "Gorbachov's an idiot! Gorbachov's an idiot." Well, the KGB chased him around for awhile until they finally caught him. They immediately took him to court where the judge decided on his sentence. The poor fellow was given exactly 10 years and seven days in jail. Two days for disturbing the peace, five days for insulting the leader, and ten years for revealing a state secret!!! An inspector was making the rounds of the communal farms in his district, and he approached a potato farmer. "How was the potato harvest this season, comrade?" he demanded. "Excellent, excellent," exclaimed the farmer, "our potatoes could be piled high enough to reach the toe of God!" A bit taken aback, the inspector said, "But comrade, this is the Soviet Union; there is no God." Replied the farmer, "That's no problem, because there aren't any potatoes, either." "In News, there is no truth; and in Truth there is no news." I guess it makes more sense in russian.. Pravda is truth, and Isvestia is news. The two big Soviet papers: Pravda and Isvestia. Seems the Department of Information Services (Ministry of Propaganda) was out in the field, taking 'the Rewolution" to the people: explaining the fundamentals of Socialism to the populace to bolster popularity. A member of the Department was out talking to a farmer in Siberia... Official: So you see, comrade, dat it iz de way Marx explained: "From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs." You understand? Farmer: (confused) Nyet... O: OK. Iz like dis: Say a comrade has two cows. Ve take one cow from him and give it to comrade that has no cow. Dat is de Rewolution. You see? F: (Happily) Da, Da! Iz good! O: And if a comrade has two tractors, ve take one of his tractors and give to man who has no tractors. Da? F: (Very excited) Da! Da! Is WERY good! O: And if a comrade has two cheekens, ve give one cheeken to man who has no cheekens. Da? F: Nyet! Iz not good! O: Vy iz not good? F: (Despondently) I have two cheekens... A badger is quietly walking through Red Square. He sees two rabbits, running just as fast as they can, come from one street. Badger: "Wait! Why are you running!?" Rabbit 1: "The KGB is arresting all the camels!" Badger: "But you're rabbits!" Rabbit 2: "Yeah, but try telling the KGB that!" Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to "Go to hell" in such a way that he looks forward to the trip. Knock, knock. Who's there? Acid. Acid who? Acid down and be quiet. Ammmonia. Ammonia who? Ammonia bird in a gilded cage. Barbara. Barbara who? Barbara black sheep, have you any wool...? Barry. Barry who? Barry me not on the lone prairie. Cereal. Cereal who? Cereal pleasure to meet you. Dennis. Dennis who? Dennis, anyone? Dwaine. Dwaine who? Quick, dwain the bathtub, I'm dwowning! Egypt. Egypt who? Egypt me and I want my mummy back! The invisble man. Well, tell him I can't see him. Irish stew. Irish stew who? Irish stew in the name of the law. You're a lady. You're a lady who? I didn't know you could yodel. Q. Why did the moron throw the butter out the window? A. Because he wanted to see a butterfly. Q. Why did the little moron throw margarine out of the window? A. He wanted to see an imitation butterfly. Q. Why did the little moron throw his clock out of the window? A. He wanted to see time fly. Q. Why did the little moron drive his truck off a cliff? A. He wanted to test his air brakes. Q. What did the little moron do when he learned that he was going to die? A. He went into the living room. Q. Why did the little moron drive his car into a tree? A. He wanted to hear its bark. Q. The little moron and his friend were climbing up a cliff. His friend fell off. Why didn't the little moron fall off as well? A. Because he was a little mor(e) on. It was three o'clock in the morning when the moron's phone rang, so he trudged from his seventh-floor bedroom all the way down to the ground-floor drawing-room to answer it. "Hello?", said the moron. "Hello" said the voice at the other end. "Is that one-one-one-one-one-one?" "No", said the moron. "This is eleven-eleven-eleven." "Oh," said the voice at the other end, "I must have the wrong number. I'm terribly sorry for disturbing you." "Oh, that's all right", said the moron. "I had to get up anyway to answer this blasted phone!" Q. Why did the very little moron drown in the kitchen sink? A. He was trying to learn tap dancing. Q. How can you tell when a little moron has been using your terminal? A. There's white-out all over the screen. The little moron was strolling downtown one day when he spotted a man walking in the opposite direction who was being followed by twenty penguins. The man had a worried look on his face, which is perfectly normal because everyone knows how dangerous a bunch of penguins can be if cornered. "What are you doing?" asked the little moron. "I'm supposed to take these penguins to the zoo, but if I do, I'll miss my appointment. Would it be possible for you to take them there for me?" the man asked. "No problem", replied the little moron. About three hours later, the man was on the way out of his meeting when he saw the little moron going the other way, away >from the zoo, and behind him followed the twenty penguins. The man ran over to meet him. "What do you think you're doing?" asked the man. "Well, I took the penguins to the zoo like you wanted, but they got tired, so now I'm taking them to a movie!" A newspaper headline: "Escaped Leopard Believed Spotted!" Los Angeles Times, February 8: At 3,998 meters, the Fletschhorn just fails to make the exclusive club of a string of peaks known as the "4,000ers," such as the 4,478-meter Matterhorn. A surprising number of mountain climbers decide against climbing the Fletschhorn because it is a couple of meters short of of 4,000. This represents a loss of revenue for local merchants, who have decided to spend $72,000 to add some rocks to the top of the Fletschhorn to take it up to 4,000 meters. Daffynitions Meter maid: Windshield viper ? Subject: Swiftiers "No negroes allowed!" Jim crowed. "You can do it!" Pep talked. "She sure is feisty!" Tom bouyed. "This is a feline smilee." Tom catted. "This is a *wild* feline smilee." Bob catted. "He is tall, dark and handsome." Dee scribed. "I want to have your children!" Dee sired. "I'm reporting that graffitti." Dee filed. "I'm going to lure them out." said Dee coyly. "I'll vote for him." Dee sided. "To pee or not to pee?" the Miss quoted. "Of course I'll cooperate." Al lied. "I heard a rumor about you." Al edged. "This is how we program." Flo charted "Follow me." the Miss led. (okok, so "Cool and the Gang" thought it up first) "This is a soft bed." Matt rested. "This isn't digital." Anna logged. You might have noticed the news story yesterday from Leesburg, Va, (where the Xerox training center is and from where I am writing), about a baby being born from a frozen embryo: Would this kid always wear a sweater, like even in the shower? Would he look at things in a particular way, such as, when asked about the paint for a wall, say, 'I think we need something warmer.' Would he, when buying a new car, first ask about the heater? Shy away from refrigerators? Be active in the movement to eliminate freon from the environment? Make others raise their eyebrows when,, later in life at cocktail parties, he would get concerned as ice cubes melted? Would they never let their tongues touch metal, for fear it would stick? Would cryogenic storage after death be like a return to the womb? There was a young fellow named Dave, who kept a dead whore in a cave, He said, "I admit, I'm a bit of a shit, but think of the money I save!" from the depths of the crypt at St Giles came a scream which resounded for miles said the vicar "Good Gracious! has Father Ignacius forgotten the bishop has piles?" LUCASFILM TO SEND ACTORS TO JUPITER Marin (KPI) -- LucasFilm and Industrial Light & Magic today revealed plans to film the third Star Wars trilogy in orbit around Jupiter. The actors and film crew for the movies will be the first human beings ever to venture outside the orbit of Mars. "Due to the rising price of special effects, and the public's demand for ever more realism, filming on location is simply the only way we can hope to break even at the box office," a spokesthing for LucasFilm told reporters. Since the journey will last many months, cryogenic hibernation technology -- first developed by ILM to keep actors for the second trilogy young -- will be used for all humans on board. The ship will be piloted by an ILM 203 mobile computer, who will also play the part of R2D2 in the films. The rest of the ship crew is still under construction. The launch is scheduled for February 20, 2020, and will take place in Florida, where ILM will temporarily take over Pad B of Disneyworld's popular "Moon Ride," the largest launch facility in the U.S. "It's not the most economical launch window," a Disney spokesthing said, "but it is the off-season, and we wouldn't want to deprive any kid of a chance to visit the moon." With today's technology we were able to put a man on the moon. But then why can't we put a man on Martina? (tennis) He: They have a new pill that will relieve suffering from PMS - do you want any ? She: Why would you ask ? I don't suffer from PMS. He: You're right - YOU don't suffer from PMS. My uncle was a young man growing up on the farm and had twin sisters slightly younger than he was. He was walking in the pasture one day when he spotted them approaching but still some distance away. Spotting an old pail lying nearby, he quickly set it upside down over a large, fresh cow pie and sat down on the pail. When the sisters reached him, they demanded to know what he had under the pail but he refused to tell them. After they begged and pleaded for a time, he said, "Oh, all right. I'll lift the pail and whoever grabs it first can have it." Then he lifted the pail a bit, the sisters made a grab for whatever was under it, and IT WAS A TIE! how about: call up any type of place that is large enough to have to page to locate a customer..... Ask for Michael Hunt (then say everyone calls him Mike) over the paging speaker: is Mike Hunt here? has anyone seen Mike Hunt (My Cunt) (works best if pager is female...) Courtesy of PeeWee on the old "Porky's" movies... Q: How many hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Zero. Nobody knew they were there. Bumper sticker seen the other day.... "Save the forests....Wipe your ass with a spotted owl." Some other things that never happen on Star Trek... >>A redshirt sneaks down a deserted corridor, turns a corner, and suddenly has a surprise birthday party. >>A redshirt manages to avoid the thrown knife, phaser shot, arrow, or whatever. >>McCoy says, "On second thought, maybe I'm a carpenter and NOT a doctor after all." >>The deflector shields hold through the duration of the battle. >>Kirk meets a woman whom he's known for years but never had sex with. >>Sulu and Chekov get to do something interesting. >>Kirk says, "Uhura, I'm frightened." >>Kirk gets Court-martialed for violating the Prime Directive. >>A Klingon says to a companion, "Hey, I like you." >>Harry Mudd manages to turn a healthy profit selling something legal. >>An android race turns out to be completely friendly and not threatening or menacing in any way. >>Some patient of McCoy's who's NOT a central character lives. >>Riker manages to avoid seeming like a William Shatner clone. >>The crew of the original Enterprise disperse, Sulu gets his own ship, and nobody suffers major emotional trauma. >>A major character dies and isn't resurrected. >>The mysterious a giant threatening object is on a direct course for some world other than Earth. >>Somebody says, "You know, the Enterprise-D looks really stupid! What is it, a `Close Encounters' reject???" >>Artificial intelligence and android technology make human exploration of the galaxy obsolete. >>McCoy says, "He'll live, Jim." There was a young lady from Gaul Who wore a newspaper dress to the ball But the dress caught on fire And burned her entire Front page, sporting section, and all! WHY DO POLISH PEOPLE ONLY GO TO MOVIES IN GROUPS OF 17 OR MORE? BECAUSE THE SIGN OUTSIDE STATES " UNDER SEVENTEEN NOT ADMITED! " Did y ou hear about the Scottish Kamikaze pilot? He crashed his plane in his brother's junkyard. What do 32 Iraqi women in one place have? A full set of teeth! HOW DO YOU CLEAR OUT AND IRAQI BINGO HALL? CALL OUT "B-52". DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW BAGHDAD ROCK GROUP? NO KIDS ON THE BLOCK. The first grade teacher assigns her class to use the word "contagious" in a sentence. The next day, she asks who has their assignment done. Little Mary goes first, "Mommy told daddy not to kiss her for a week because she has a cold and its contagious". "Very good", said the teacher and calls on little Peter. "When I have a cold and sneeze, I use a handkerchief because I am contagious". "Excellent", said the teacher and called on Johnny (the foul mouth of the class). "My dad and I went for a ride in the country and saw this woman on a tall ladder painting a giant barn with a little bitty brush and my dad said that if she didn't get a bigger brush, it would take that contagious to finish the barn"! While watching last night's news, I heard the ultimate lawyer joke. It wasn't meant to be funny but here's the exchange: "If that is so stupid, why is Sadaam doing it? Answer (I swear I'm not making this up) "That's simple. He's not a trained military man, he's a lawyer.) King Hussein was on his throne when his aide ran to him saying, "Both Sadaam Hussein and the Pope are waiting to see you...who do you want to see?" The King thought a moment, and said, "send in the Pope, at least I only have to kiss his ring." "We've got 700,000 attorneys at law And no-one can tell me what we need them all for... ...he walks in to the room with a briefcase like a bomb A smile on both faces, and he calls it aplomb He wants a bite of your apple, hands you back the peel. He's fresh out of law school, and he's got a license to steal." A man invites his lawyer and accountant into his office. "Gentlemen, " he says, "I have a simple question. How much is two plus two?" The accountant clears his throat and says that he thinks it's probably four, but he can't be sure without a full audit. The lawyer says to the accountant, "excuse us please." The accountant leaves. The lawyer goes to the door, opens it, looks both ways up and down the hall, closes it carefully, and sits back down. Leaning accross the desk, he whispers conspiritorially, "How much would you like it to be?" So I hear that the highway department came to the scene of the accident where 25 feet of skid marks led up to the skunk. The highway department picked up the first victim and gave him a proper burial, taking pains to notify the family of the tragedy. Of course they had to put clothes pins on their noses and rubber gloves on before they could remove the lawyer... Did you hear the one about the lion who ate the lawyer? Had to lick his butt afterwards to get rid of the taste! These answers were provided by children during Confirmation classes. Christians have only one wife. That is called monotony. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day..and a ball of fire by night. The natives of Macedonia did not believe, so Paul got stoned. This preacher lost his bicycle and looked all over and could not find it. About mid week he was talking to one of his brother preacher and told him that someone had stolen his bicycle. Second preacher told him, "On Sunday when you are giving the service work in the Ten Commandments and when you get to the one on Thou Shelt Not Steal, the person who took you bicycle will return it." On Monday the second preacher saw the first one riding his bicycle and said, "Well I see it worked." First preacher replied, "It sure did, whe I got to Thout Shalt Not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left my bicycle." This ol country preacher (have to be careful so I am not racist) met a member of his flock one day and saw she was pregnant and her husband had died over a year ago. He informed her she had been a sinnin and she told him no, she had had intercourse with his ghost. He said impossible and she informed him it was true. So he said ok, for Sunday's sermon I will work it in and ask if any of the brothers and sister have had intercourse with a ghost. Come Sunday, during the service he asked the question and ol' Tobe in the back of the church was half a sleep and he raised his hand. Preacher said Toby you mean to say you had intercourse with a ghost. He said, "Ghost? I thought you said goat!" A young man was working in the produce department of a grocery store when a customer came up to him and asked if he could buy a half of head of lettuce. He said he would check with his manager, however did not notice that the customer was following him to the back of the store. As he approached his manager he said " There is some a--hole in the front that would like to buy a half a head of lettuce". His manager noticing the man in back of the young man said "Is this the person that wants to buy a half a head of lettuce?" The young man quickly replied "No, this gentleman would like to buy the other half!!" The manager was so impressed on how diplomatically the young man handled the situation he asked im to temporaily manage the entire produce department the following week while he took a trip to Canada. The young man thanked him for the opportunity and asked "Why are you going to Canada, after all the only things in Canada are whores and Hockey players. His manager replied that he was going to visit his fiancee to which the young man replied " Really, what team does she play for?" Q: What do you call a group of Iraq women walking into a singles bar? A: Incoming SCUDS Did you hear which major department store is considering opening a couple of stores in IRAQ? TARGET! Q: DID YOU HEAR IRAQ HAS A NEW NATIONAL FLAG? A: It is white with a white stripe and a white star! Why is the camel called "the ship of the desert"? Because they're full of Iraqi semen. Three vampires walked into a bar and sat at a corner table. The barmaid walked over and asked what they would like to drink. The first one ordered a blood. The second one ordered the same. The third one said that he was on a diet and ordered a plasma. The barmaid yelled to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood lite!" What's the difference between a Canadian Hockey player and an Iraqi woman? The Hockey player takes a shower after three periods. What do a vaccuum cleaner and an Iraqi Tank have in common? They both suck. What's the difference between the two? The vaccuum cleaner has only one dirt bag in it. Ol' preacher was giving his sermon one Sunday and it was about the sins of life. So during the service he started asking questions on what the flock had been doing the last week. He asked how many had been a hein' and a shein'. Some raised there hand. Then he asked how many had been a shein' and a shein' and a few raised their hands. Then he asked how many had been a hein' and a hein' and a few more raised there hand. Their sat ol Tobe in the back and he never raised his hand. Bro' asked Tobe if he hadn't done anything in the past week. He said, "Brother, yo didn't say anything about a me n' and a me n'." This gal from the deep south said, "Tobe, when yall' goin take me Flordia." Tobe says, " I's not takin you Florida," and she says, "Yo did too," and he says, I's did not." She says, "Yo promised to Tampa wit me when I's turn sixteen." Three clergyman were such good friends that they decided to chip in to buy a car. After they got the car home they each had to dedicate it in their own way. The priest sprinkled Holy water on it, the Baptist ran it through a carwash and the rabbi cut 2 inches off the tailpipe. A Priest and a Rabbi got together for dinner every year in December to celebrate the holidays of Xmas and Hannukah. The Priest ordered a ham steak and the Rabbi some boiled chicken. The Priest said to the Rabbi that every year for the past four or five that he promised he would try the ham. The rabbi said that he was not ready yet. When the priest finally pressed him for an answer as to when he would finally give in and try the ham, the Rabbi replied "at your wedding." This guy dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter mees him at the pearly gates and tells him to join a group of other newcomers to get the 10 cent tour. After checking out a few rooms on the first floor, they get into an elevator to see the rest of the place. As they get in, St. Peter tells them to be especially quiet as they go by the 5 th floor. On the way back down he warns them again to be very quiet as they go by the 5 th floor. When they get to the street floor, our guy asks, 'why do we have to be so quiet when we go by the 5 th floor?'. St. Peter replies 'that's where the Baptists are and they think they're the only ones here'! What do you call an Iraqi with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other? (Bisexual.) What do you call an Iraqi with a sheep under each arm? (A pimp.) What do you call an Iraqi who has sex with donkeys? (Normal.) On a completely different note, what did the aspiring Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? "Make me one with everything." Who is the smallest man mentioned in the New Testament? Peter. (He slept on his watch) When is the first mention of Baseball in the Bible? Gensis, Chapter 1, verse 1. "In the big inning, ..." When is the first time motorcycles are mentioned in the bible? When David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? Pharaoh's Daughter. (She drew a prophet from the rushes at the bank.) (That's Moses, get it?) I never knew the Bible as such a gold mine of comedy material. Must be cuz it had such good writers! When is tennis firt mentioned in the bible? The Genesis account of when Joseph served in Pharoah's court Why did the Detroit Pistons want to sign Sadam Hussain???? Because he's the only player who can shoot over Jordan. A businessman is caught in Iraq and hauled off to jail as a spy. After a few days he is taken to Saddam where he pleads for his life. Saddam asks his mullah for advice and the mullah says: "According to the ancient law of the land, this man can only prove he is not a spy by doing the following 3 things: 1) He must drink an entire gallon of our strongest wine without spilling a single drop, then, 2) He must pull a single tooth from of the mouth of our most ravenous tiger, and finally, 3) He must make passionate love to the ugliest and oldest woman in the land. "Only then, said the mullah, can this man prove he is not a spy!". So the man agrees to the test. He drinks an entire gallon of wine and doesnt spill a drop! Then, very drunk, he is thrown into a cage where a roaring tiger jumps on him -- there's all this roaring and screaming as the tiger and the businessman fight it out. Finally, after more than a few hours, the businessman stumbles out of the tiger's cage, drunk and bloodied, his clothes ripped off his back and falls flat on his face at the feet of Saddam... "Alright (hic!), the businessman says to Saddam, now where's that old lady who wants a tooth pulled!". -------------------------------- The Top 10 Rejected Life Saver Flavors -------------------------------------- #10 Disembowelment #9 Pineapple Noriega #8 Marion Berry #7 Fruit of the Loom #6 Sonny & Cherry #5 Anton Figg #4 Steel Lock Washers #3 Suck this #2 ? #1 Rashberry I heard on CNN early this morning that the CIA has captured Saddam Hussein's son an now they are going back to "Bag Dad" !!! Q. Why is snow like sex? A. Because you don't know how many inches you're going to get nor how long it will last! Everyday Miss Nun would ride from the convent into town to the market. And as it happens one very persistent cop on a bike (Jan van der Merwe) would let her pull over to the side of the road and administer a drunken- ness test (breath-a-lyzer test) on Miss Nun. This happens for 3 months, after which poor Miss Nun is almost in tears. She tells Mother Superior of Bad Cop Van der Merwe and that she has to do the breath-a-lyzer each day! Mother Superior calms Miss Nun down and tells her that the following day she would accompany her to the town market. Next day Miss Nun and Mother Superior on the way to the market and as per usual Van lets her pull over. He parks his bike in front of the car, and gets his ticket book out and walks over to the car, with Miss Nun and Mother Superior inside....and (shock!) his pants drop down! Mother Superior gawks at Miss Nun and exclaims, "So _this_ is the breath-a-lyzer you talked about!" You know you are getting old when: - you go upstairs to the bathroom and wonder why your in there when you arrive - the checkout girl at the supermarket says "plastic or paper" and you answer "check" - it takes you all night to do what you used to do all night - you are out with the boys for a drink and you want to get home by 11pm to watch the news - you are at party and you don't fancy sleeping over in a sleeping bag on the nice hard floor - after your third beer you really fancy a cup of tea - you dunk your biscuits in your tea Q: Name 3 famous people who where shot in the back of the head? 1. Abraham Lincoln 2. John F. Kennedy 3. The person in the seat in front of Pee Wee Herman. -------------------------------------------------- Complete Guide to PARALLEL INTERFACE for the Computer Literate Select your desired CPU and initiate your standard word processing program to determine compatibility of this CPU for interface. (Helpful Hint: once CPU compatibility is established, you may wish to determine a password which will initiate immediate interface session signon. This avoids needless future repetition of the word processing program). Locate your CPU in a warm, comfortable location away from drafts, dust, and unnecessary acoustical interference. Place your CPU on a worksurface with sufficient support, preferably at an ergonomically proper work height. It is recommended that any surface on which you place your CPU be covered with a static mat, or, if you choose to locate your CPU on the floor, that the surface be protected by a carpet with a static rating of 1.5KV or less. Remove any software or peripherals from your mainframe and that of your CPU (or at least remove software from the lowercase mainframe) to expose the input/output devices. You should fully monitor your CPU, preview its hardware and locate input ports. Decide upon the position in which your program session will be executed: horizontal format or vertical format. (Note: for horizontal format, determine which CPU will be in the override position). At this time, it is helpful for both CPUs to wrap tabs around the other to better accommodate interlink. Center the output CPU mouse between the tabs surrounding the parallel port of the input CPU and merge. Repeatedly toggle your mouse between back-up and return. It is advised to monitor your CPU display for any signs of glare. It is also advised to maintain your baud rate at a reasonable level to prevent breaks. If all hardware systems continue to function properly, at some point you will achieve macro, at which time input of data will occur. Once data transmission is complete, remove your mouse and log out of the interface session. You will now begin the recover phase. Remember: There's no on-line HELP function, so easy DOS it! GLOSSARY OF TERMS COMMONLY USED IN INTERFACE: ABORT: deletion of copies created through parallel interface BACK-UP: reverse line feed, removal of the mouse from the parallel port (also called REMOVE, BACKSPACE) BAUD RATE: speed at which parallel interface occurs BITS: discrete particles of data (HINT: It is advised to keep a static wipe handy to mop up any bits which might escape onto the worksurface during parallel interface). BREAK: an emergency interface session termination caused by failure of hardware components COMMANDS: word processing program blocks used by the CPU in control CONTROL: whichever CPU is initiating signon session (See RULER) COPY: a duplicate CPU which can be created through interface CPU: Copulation Participatory Unit CURSOR: a word processing program executed by incompatible CPUs; also commonly heard if BREAK or ESCAPE sequence is initiated during interface DATA: transmissible particles of copy text DISPLAY: portion of the uppercase mainframe where the monitors and the word processing output device are stored DOUBLE DENSITY: multiple interlinks during a single signon session DOUBLE SIDE: an attribute of interface in which more than one position is used during interlink DUST COVER: another term for software for your mainframe ENTER: (See MERGE) FLOPPY DISKS: a common attribute of input CPUs, not advisable to be commented upon in the word processing program FOOTERS: a variation of interface in which certain lowercase mainframe tabs are deployed (refer to ADVANCED FEATURES) GLARE: a possible attribute of the input CPU display if interlink is not acceptable HARD DISK: a anomalous condition of the floppy disks; suggest scheduling a maintenance/repair call HARD DRIVE: an emergency line feed procedure which can be initiated if the input CPU does not readily accept connection with the ouput CPU mouse - NOT RECOMMENDED OPERATING PROCEDURE (See also RAM) HEADERS: a variation of interface in which the output CPU inserts its mouse into the input CPUs word processing output device HIGH DENSITY: also known as "highly dense", a common attribute of the computer literate, as shown by the need for the creation of this manual INPUT: transmission of data from output CPU to input CPU INPUT CPU: the CPU (copulation participatory unit) which receives data from the output CPU INTERLINK: the act of connecting compatible CPUs through parallel interface LINE FEED: the action of insertion of the output CPU mouse into the input CPU parallel port LOG OUT: removal of the mouse upon termination of the interface session LOWERCASE: area of the mainframe where the mouse and mouse pad are stored on the output CPU, and the parallel port is stored on the input CPU MACRO: the phase of interlink during which CPUs achieve maximum sensory overload; also when output CPUs input data to input CPUs MAINFRAME: the hardware system of the CPU MERGE: initiating interlink MODEM: a slang term, short for "more of them", signifying the desire of a CPU to initiate a signon interface session or to create a double density interface session MONOCHROME MONITOR: attribute given to analyzing your mainframe or hardware in poor ambient lighting conditions, leading to being only able to see the mainframe in black and white. MOUSE: a slang term for the output CPU's data transmission device MOUSE PAD: area of the mainframe on the output CPU where the mouse is stored ON: as in "Turn On", the act of preparing the input CPU for interlink and data transmission OUTPUT CPU: the CPU which transmits data to the input CPU OVERRIDE: descriptive term for whichever CPU assumes the superior position during parallel interface PARALLEL INTERFACE: interlink between consenting CPUs PARALLEL PORT: area of the mainframe on the input CPU into which the mouse of the output CPU is inserted during parallel interface PAUSE: a short interval between interlinks in double density signon sessions PC Jrs: Slang term for CPU copies which can be created through parallel interface if preventive precautions are not taken (See Surge Protector) PC PROGRAM: a Personal Copulation Program developed by a CPU, usually involving a complex series of interface program variations (NOTE: requires EXTENDED MEMORY) PERIPHERALS: like software, additional coverings of the mainframe, commonly connected to auditory input devices or other tabs. (Examples: earrings, watch, necklace, etc.) RAM: an emergency line feed procedure which can be initiated if the input CPU does not readily accept interlink with the ouput CPU mouse - NOT RECOMMENDED OPERATING PROCEDURE (See also HARD DRIVE) RECOVER: interval between initiation of new interface signon sessions RETURN: replacement of the output CPU mouse into the input CPU parallel port after BACK-UP is executed (See BACK-UP) ROM: (acronym for "Really Orgasmic, Man!"), describes the sensory condition during the MACRO phase of parallel interface during which the output CPU transmits data to the input CPU RULER: the CPU initiating interface signon SELECT: the process of determining the compatibility of CPU operating programs SERIAL INTERFACE: interface between more than two CPUs during a signon session (SEE ADVANCED FEATURES) SHIFT: attribute of double sided interlink when the position of one of the CPUs is edited SIGNON SESSION: the interval during which parallel interface occurs SINGLE DENSITY: only one interlink during a signon session SINGLE SIDE: attribute of interface in which only one interlink position is employed SOFTWARE: protective covering for your mainframe (see also DUSTCOVERS and PERIPHERALS) SURGE: flow of current into the mouse of the output CPU, preparing the mouse for insertion into the input CPUs parallel port SURGE PROTECTOR: a protective covering for the output CPU's mouse. Note: especially desirable to prevent viruses from infiltrating CPU operating systems and for cancelling the Copy program. (See PC Jrs). TABS: protrusions of the mainframe allowing mobility and/or sensory input, excluding the floppy disks and mouse. (Examples: arms, legs, hands, feet) TERMINATE: ending an interface session UPPERCASE: portion of the mainframe where the display is located, also where input CPU floppy disks are stored VIRUS: a defective program transmitted through parallel interface WORD PROCESSING: a program initiated by either CPU to determine compatibility, also used to issue commands during interface WRAP: placing mainframe tabs around your CPU to better effect interlink --------------------------------------------------------- Q: Is this a party school ? A: Are you kidding ? They don't have tuition - just a cover charge and a 2000 drink minimum ! Q] Why didnt Pee Wee wait till he got home before jerking off at that movie in Sarasota ? A] cos he heard they were giving away free passes for 10 extra movies on a First COME first served basis. "ring ring", "ring, ring" "Hello" "Hello, is that Mr Cord?" "Yes" "Can I talk to Spinal please?" "Who?" "Spinal, is he there?" "There's nobody here by that name" "Well do know when he'll be BACK?" Years ago (and I mean *years*) when my brother and I shared a room, I had the habit of going to bed very late. Actually, 3am was typical. He was (and still is) a heavy sleeper but occasionally he would slowly wake from his slumber while I was undressing. When I spied his eyes opening I would reverse my actions (usually unbuttoning my shirt) and he would think it was morning and he was late, as usual. I would then be entertained by him dressing, half asleep, scrambling to the bathroom and shouting loudly when he realised that it was pitch dark outside. This went on for many years, until I left. Perhaps he still gets dressed at 3am out of habit :-) ----------------------------------------------------- The USENET Guide to Power Posting 1. Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't *possibly* be that you're a fuckhead. There's obviously a conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire net a favor by exposing it. Be sure to mention the CIA, FBI Oliver North and the Army as co-conspiritors. 2. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #1. Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be in good form. "By saying that I've posted to the wrong group, Charlie has libeled me, slandered me, and sodomized me. See you in court, Charlie." 3. Force them to document their claims: Even if Jane Jones states outright that she has menstrual cramps, you should demand documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written an article on Jane's cramps, then Jane's obviously lying. 4. Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca of USENET. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseam", "vini, vidi, vici", "E Pluribus Unum" and "fetuccini alfredo". 5. Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to convince them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that you're a member of Mensa or Mega or Dorks of America. Tell them the scores you received on every exam since high school. "I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell the word 'premeiotic' ". 6. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent. "Polly Purebread, by using the word 'zucchini' in her posting, shows she has a bad case of penis envy." 7. Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an American citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net (as guaranteed by the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries to limit your cross-posting or move a flame war to email is either a Communist, a fascist, or both. 8. Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponent, have you? And since you're the center of the universe, you should have seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST! Call'em an AI project, to really piss them off. 9. Laugh at whatever they write. A good "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" should intimidate just about anyone. 10. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other rules, remember this one. At some point during your wonderful career on USENET you will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is better than you. This person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, make you look generally like a bozo. At this point, there's only one thing to do: insult the dirtbag!!! "Oh yeah? Well, you do strange things with vegetables." 11. And, if all else fails, remember that you can always fall back on the favorite defense of Soc.women: "Who cares what YOU think -- this is Soc.WOMEN!". Add "DAMMIT!" for effect. 12. Be sure to have a cute signature that proclaims that you are a man basher. No one will respect you unless it's clear that you hate men. 13. Call'em a "Pman" if you can't think of anything. Tell the linguists to stuff it -- YOU know a diminutive when you see it. 14. Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your lies sound true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly." "Clearly, Fred Flooney is a liar, and a dirtball to boot." 15. Cross-post your article: Everyone on the net is just waiting for the next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal. From rec.arts.wobegon to alt.gourmand, they're all holding their breaths until your next flame. Therefore, post everywhere. 16. Use the smiley to your advantage. You can call anyone just about anything as long as you include the smiley. On really nasty attacks add "No flames, please". When they bitch, call them an ass for not being able to recognize sarcasm when they see it. 17. Threaten to destroy Soc.men if your opponent refuses to give up. This at least gives you an appearance of power, even if nobody on the net gives a damn about what goes on in soc.men. 18. Should you post something exceedingly stupid and later regret it, don't worry. You needn't cancel the article. That only shows what a wimp you really are. Deny that you ever sent it. "It must be a forgery!" (Yea, that's the ticket, it's a forgery!) "Someone broke into my account and sent it!" "It's that damn backbone cabal out to get me!" Take your pick, they've all been used before. 19. A really cheap shot is to call you opponent a "facist". By itself, it really does nothing. But, when used often, and in enough articles, it can make you a net-legend. 20. And finally, never edit your newsgroup line when following up (unless you're expanding it). This drives 'em wild. Be sure to follow up as many articles as possible, even if you have nothing to say. The important thing is to get "exposure" so that you can be called a "regular" in your pet newsgroup. Never change the ">" symbol when following up; that's for wimps. Dump a hundred lines of "INEWS FODDER" in every article. Now that you know the ways to properly post on USENET, let's try an example: In article <1452@sab.ck>, Bill Netter writes: > Dear Sally, I object to your use of the word "dear". It shows you are a condescending, sexist Pman. Also, the submissive tone you use shows that you like to be tied down and flagellated with licorice whips. > While I found your article "The Effect of Lint on Western Thought" > to be extremely thought-provoking, "Thought-provoking"? I had no idea you could think, you rotting piece of swamp slime. :-) (No flames, please) > it really shouldn't have been > posted in Soc.women. What? Are you questioning my judgment? I'll have you know that I'm a member of the super-high-IQ society Menstruate. I got an 800 on my PMS exam. Besides, what does a Pman like yourself know of such things. This is Soc.WOMEN, DAMMIT! Your attempts constitute nothing less than censorship. There is a conspiracy against me. You, Colin, Charlie and the backbone cabal have been constantly harassing me by email. This was an ad hominem attack! If this doesn't stop at once, I'll crosspost a thousand articles to soc.men. > Perhaps you should have posted it in misc.misc. It is my right, as granted in the Bill of Rights, the Magna Carta, the Bible and the Quran, to post where ever I want to. Or don't you believe in those documents, you damn fascist? Perhaps if you didn't spend so much time sacrificing virgins and infants to Satan, you would have realized this. > Your article would > be much more appropriate there. Can you document this? I will only accept documents notarized by my attorney, and signed by you in your blood. Besides, you don't really exist anyway, you Pseudo, you. > If I can be of any help in the future, just drop me a line. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! > Bill. Sally Sourpuss "If we can send one man to the moon, why can't we send them all?" Soc.women Women WOMEN, DAMMIT! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------