a lawyer was on the road and got a sudden urge to take a crap so he was forced to stop at a wayside and use the public toilet..(out house no less) so he's just about finished when another person with the same problem come rushing in and grabs the hole next to this lawyer (the lawyer could not believe what was happening) anyway..the lawyer finishes and get up and in doing so a pocket full of change falls down into the hole.."SHIT!!!says the lawyer.."damn..looks like you lost a bunch of change" says the person next to the lawyer. The lawyer, swearing all the while, takes out his wallet..peels off a hundred and throws it down the hole. "Holy cow !"says the other person"your throwing good money after bad, whats the matter with you? Are you crazy???" "well hell"says the lawyer"you don't think I'm going down there for forty-five cents, do you "!!? here's a helpful hint when hunting frogs... look for a lawyer in the area - flies are attracted to Shit What about a lawer who is a mother-in-law. Films now showing at the Baghdad Multiplex. The Exocet The Eagle Has Sanded A Bridge Too Fahd Call Me Saddam Nomad Max Blame It On Riyadh The Not-So- Great Dictator M.Hussein's Holiday A Shah Is Born The Saddam Busters The 101st Arabian Knights Hits now playing on Baghdad Radio loves Me Like Iraq Saudi Seems To Be The Hardest Word Oil Be There Heard It Through The Pipeline Papa's Got A Brand New Baghdad Sheik Rattle And Roll Kuwaiting On A Friend Ma,He's Making Sheep's Eyes At Me Gasoline Alley Alad Hussein Now On The Menu at The Bagndad Cafe' Mustard Gaspacho Iraq of Lamb Shat al Kebab Quiche Bahrain Nuke Potatoes Rocket Salad with Crude Oil and Vinegar Dressing And for dessert Devil's Fahd Cake Bombe Surprise Emir Trifle. Answer: Unleaded, Lateral, Sadam Hussein Question: Name a gas, a pass and an ass When the sisters of William Penn's mother opened a new bakery? There was an uproar in the area because their pastry prices were so high. The newspaper ran a story about the Pie Rates of Penn's Aunts!!! Money is the root of all bills. One day in the city of Juarez, a group of people who happened to be outside on a warm summer day, (taking thier afternoon siesta one would suppose), witnessed an event that would spur talk of a local hero for many days. Off in the distance was seen a man in a big white hat, riding a big white horse. As he approached a crowd gathered, for one legendary man stood clear in thier minds. My friends, I believe it is Poncho Villa that approaches. As this stranger got closer so that his face could be seen, a gasp went through the crowd, for this was not Poncho Villa. Hell, his posters were up all over town. The crowd, ammazed that someone would try to impersonate such a great local hero, gathered close and pelted the stranger with questions. "Who are you?" "where do you come from?" "Why are you dressed like Poncho Villa?" "Are you his friend?" At the last question the stranger, riding the big white horse, tilted back his big white hat, and spoke these words. "You ask me who I am, you ask me eef I know Poncho Villa, you ask eef I am hees friend, let me tell you a story." So the stranger climbed off his horse and stood leaning with his poncho pulled back so that all could see the big, shiny gun that he carried low on his hip. He then began to speak and the crowd grew quiet. "You see, I was walking down de road on de way to Juarez today, when from behind me I hear de sound of a horse come. I look down down de road to see who is coming, and far away I see a man on a big, white horse, wearing a big white hat, riding to me. And I says to myself, 'Jose, I tink that that is Poncho Villa riding his big, white horse.' and as de hombre on the horse come closer, I saw that eet was indeed the Poncho Villa who face was posted on walls throughout all Mexico." "And as Poncho Villa aproached, he slowed his big, white horse, and he looked at me, and he smiled, and all de gold in his teeth did sparkle like de sunlight. Then he pulled his big, heavy gun, and he pointed eet at me, and he said 'you... pull down you pants!' What could I do, he had a gun. So I pulled down my pants. Then he looked at me and smiled, 'now, take a sheet'.. ayeee, I had no choice, he had a gun. Then he wave that pistol at me and he say, 'Now eat et!' but for that gun, cavrone!, so I ate eet." "And Poncho Villa, he laugh so hard, he fall off that big, white horse, and he drop that big gun, and I pick eet up, and I point eet at him. And he quits laughing. Den I say to Poncho Villa, drop you pants! what could he do, I had de gun. Now I says to him, take a sheet, he no smile now. and I wave that big gun at heem and I says, now eat et!" "And you ask me if I know Poncho Villa! Hell, yes I know Poncho Villa! I had lunch with heem today!" How many Graves does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Depends on how you stack the bones. Why can't they teach drivers' ed. and sex ed. on the same day in Iraq? -Too rough on the camel Saddam backward is Mad Ass. Iraqnaphobia - Kuwait's most popular movie May the wind behind you always be your own. An aging Admiral is visiting the local brothel. Jenny, a new girl there comes into the room and finds him just getting into a tub of water. "What", she asks "Do you want me to do?" "If you would please just start splashing the water and get some waves going." Which she does. Then he asks her to make blowing noises like the wind. Which she does, all the while making great waves in the water. "Now," he says "flick the lights on and off like lightning". So she is blowing, and splashing and flicking, and getting tired of it. "Say, don't you want to make love?" she asks. "What!! In this WEATHER??" A women was considering buying an aging Thoroughbred but wanted a veterinarian's opinion of the horse before finalizing her deal. She asked when the doctor had completed his examination. "Will I be able to race him?" The veterinarian looked at the woman, then at the horse. "Sure" he replied, "and you'll probably win!" Why is it that Mexican's don't barbecue? The Beans kept falling though the grate!! Fartvergngen..the pleasure of breaking wind why do firemen have bigger balls than policemen? They sell more tickets...hehehe THIS GUY GOES TO A LOCAL TATTOO ARTIST TO AHVE A $100 BILL TATTOOED ON HIS THING. THE GUY ASKS WHY AND HE SAYS THREE REASONS: I LIKE TO WATCH MY MONEY GROW. I LIKE TO PLAY WITH MY MONEY. MY WIFE WILL BLOW A HUNDRED BUCKS JUST LIKE THAT! Woman in her 40's never had sex. She decides to go to an oriental doctor to find out what was wrong with her, since she had heard so much about their ancient herb and other knowledge. Doctor tells her to strip from the waist down. She goes behind the curtain and does. She comes out, doctor tells her to turn her back towards him. Then he says: Put your head between your knees. After a moment the doctor says: Can see what's wrong! You can stand up now. Woman asks: What is my problem, what can I do? Doctor says: You go see good Plastic Surgeon. You have Assface! Says the woman: what is I have? You have: Assface! What's that? That means: Your face looks like your ass ... A barber nicked a customer rather badly while giving him a shave. Hoping to make amends, the barber asked, "Do you want your head wrapped in a towel?" "No thanks," replied the customer. I'll carry it home under my arm!" A Senator, a clergyman, and a Boy Scout were passengers in a small plane that developed engine trouble. The pilot announced, "We'll have to bail out. Unfortunately, there are only three parachutes. I have a wife and seven small children. My family needs me. I'm taking one of the parachutes and jumping out!" And he jumped. Then the Senator said, "I am the smartest politician in the world. The country needs me; I'm taking one of the parachutes." And he jumped. The clergyman said to the Boy Scout, "I've had a good life and yours is still ahead of you. You take the last parachute." The youth shrugged and said, "Don't need to. There are two parachutes left. The smartest politician in the world just jumped with my knapsack!" Don't sweat Petty things, or Pet Sweaty Things Dont recall us ... we'll recall you HEAVEN CAN WEIGHT!! John and his wife Patsy, in their later years made a solemn pledge that whoever should pass into the great divide first would somehow find a way back and tell the other what it was like. Sadly John made the leap first. A month later to the day Patsy awoke from a dream only to find her self talking to John. It was very dark and she could only hear him. "Well, John" she asked, "Tell me all about it." "There is not really much to tell" he replied. "I get up in the morning and have sex, then eat and take a nap. Then when I wake up I have sex, eat and go back to sleep. Later I have sex again, have lunch and nap. Then it is time for more sex and dinner before bed time." "Is that all there is to Heaven, John? Just sex, food and sleep?" "What Heaven. I'm a jack rabbit in Texas!" How many Saudi Arabians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) 140,000 - especially if Iraq is the one complaining that it's dark! 2) 1 - King Fahd. He just dials 1-900-USA-NUKE and WHAMMO! 250,000 Americans come over with special light bulb installation units which the defense department bought on close-out for a mere $329,036.07 each. 3) 270,000 - The 140,000 from #1, plus an extra 130,000 expatriot Kuwaiti's who are paying the electric bill. 4) 500,000 - Suddenly someone heard a Jewish accent there in the dark. 5) None. Since by this time IRAQ has flinched, the USA and ISRAEL have nuked everything in that oversided volley-ball pit/sand trap/waterless beach/sheet-of-glass-to-be we know as the middle east and everything glows on it`s own. Little Johnny went off to his first day of school as a freshman. When he got home, his mother asked him how his first day of high school was. "Just fantastic mom!" replied Johnny. His mother asked him what was so great about it. "I had sex with my teacher!!!" said Johnny. His mother was so upset, she sent him up to his room. "I'm going to speak with your father about this" she said. When Johnny's father came home, the mother briefed him. "I'll go upstairs and have a talk with him", said the father. Johnny's father walked into the room. "How was your first day of school Johnny?" "Gee dad, it was the best day of my life! I had sex with my teacher!" His father was a bit more understanding than his mother... "Well, Johnny - you really upset your mother. But I understand these things. You see, I had sex with my teacher too - but I was 17 when that happened - you're only 14! You must really have charmed her! Yeah, you really climbed one-up on your old man. I'm actually kind of proud of you! What do you say we go out and buy that new bike you always wanted?" "Nah, thanks anyway dad - my butt's still REAL sore - I couldn't ride that thing for a month." Giuseppe and Luigi were having a drink one day, when Giuseppe leaned across the table and said "Luigi, you lika woman witha snaggle tooth and a little brown mustachio?" And Luigi says, "No Giuseppe, I no lika sucha woman?" An Giuseppe says, "Hey Luigi, you lika woman witha bigga fat thighs witha lotsa hair anna bigga wide butt?" Luigi says "Hey Giuseppe, why you aska me question lika dat? I no lika sucha woman." And Giuseppe says "Luigi, you lika woman who don't take a bath too often, and gotta smell lika old fish?" And Luigi says, "Giuseppe, I don't know why you aska questions lika this? Whatsa matter you?" And Giuseppe says "Well Luigi if you no lika woman lika that, why you humpa my wife?" I had quite an experience today. I was in the mall parking lot and there was this woman getting in her car. She was about to close the door when this other woman tried to park beside her and hit her car, slamming the door on her foot. I ran over to see what I could do to help and I almost puked. The door had completly severed the womans big toe off. I tried to stop the bleeding as much as I could, then ran to the phone and called an ambulance. The ambulance arrived and as the paramedics were stuffing her into the ambulance I asked one of the paramedics"Aren't you going to take her toe along so the doctor can sew it back on???"."Nope",said the paramedic,"you got to call a toe truck for that." How can you tell who the stock brokers are today? The're the ones robbing the muggers in Central park! Billy crystal was on Saturday Night Live, and during rahersals he accedentally slamed a door on his finger. The finger was severed at the first joint. They were about to leave for the hospital when Billy Crystal insisted they find his finger so the docs could sew it back on. Everyone looked. Finally, a union man found it in the latch of the door. "Well bring it over," they cried, and he said, "I can't -- I'm Set. Hey, Props!" BE ALERT!! STAY ALIVE!! CHOKE YOUR CHICKEN WHILE YOU DRIVE!!!!!!! Why don't little duckies pee?? Cause they don't have a quack.. What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer? The rooster clucks defiance. Doctor Livingston is out exploring new territory somewhere on the deep dark continent. He stumbles upon a tribal village. As he walks down the street of the village, he sees a sign for "CHEZ CANIBAL - The Finest in Exotic Meats" and goes in. He's looking over the deli case and sees "MONKEY BRAINS: $0.49 per lb" next, he sees "ENGLISH EXPLORER BRAINS: $2.79 per lb" next, he sees "AMERICAN LAWYER BRAINS: $1,935,932,710.99 per lb". Doctor Livingston asked the attendant "Why are the AMERICAN LAWYER BRAINS so expensive?" And the attendant replied "Do you know how many American Lawyers we have to kill to get a pound of brains?" Two young lawyers decide to get married. They go off on their honey moon and when asked by their friends how it was, they smile and say it was nice. When pressed about how it was for them "their first time" they both get a puzzled look on their face. "Don't you know about sex?" asked their friend. "No, why?" was the reply. "Why don't you go and see a doctor then!" Fearing this disease "sex", the young lawyer takes his wife to the doctor and asks what sex is. The doctor says, "if you don't know by now, I should probably show you." So the doctor undresses the female lawyer, lays her on the examaning table, and makes mad, passionate love to her. When the doctor finished, he asks the husband, "now do you have any questions?" And the young lawyer replies, "well, yes - how often do I have to bring her in?" a lawyer and another man are standing on the street when a very attractive women walks past strutting her stuff. The young man says "man I'd like to really screw her!" theres a pause and the lawyer turns to him and asks "out of what?" why don't lawyer's wifes get AIDS? They marry assholes, they don't screw them!!! Why can't lawyers take a bath ... oil and water don't mix. What's the easiest way to grease a Ferarri? Run over a lawyer. During the early 1970's, who led the American League in home runs? Answer: Hank Arron During that same period, who led in RBI's? Answer: Hank Arron During that same period, who had the most balls in the face? Answer: Liberace! What is a good example of a "perfect marriage"? A lawyer and a proctologist. A bridge collapsed near Oklahoma City in May when a 24-year-old truck driver failed to heed the sign warning of a 5-ton weight limit. He was carrying more than 41 tons of gravel. Robert Haag, 33, of Arizona was charged in January with attempting to steal a 27-ton, car-sized meteorite from Chaco province in Argentina and to smuggle it out of the country. Why cant louis enjoy his favorite form of sex anymore ? he has got too many blisters on his hand !!! This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us may find it rather funny. -=*=- abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit) Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items. To re-order, specify one of the following: P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls Reunite Gondwanaland! Press any key to continue or any other key to quit ĿĿĿĿĿĿ Ĵ (I fell off my chair laughing) Why are Jewish men circumcised? Jewish women won't buy anything unless it's 20% off! What's the definition of Endless Love? Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis. What do you get when you cross a Jewish American princess and a computer? A computer that never goes down on you. Why did the Police take the 911 emergency number off the back of their cars? The Mexicans kept stealing them thinking they were Porsche's Get your modem runnin, Head out for the Highwaves! Why did the moron drive his truck off the cliff? He wanted to try out the air brakes two polacks bought a bird dog and took him to the country afters hours and hours they both looked at each other in dispair , so one said to the other ; " Okay if that dumb son of a bi*h don't fly this time , we shoot his a*s !" What's the difference between DARK and HARD? -- It stays *dark* all night. Resistance Is Useless! (If < 1 ohm) THE SUBJECT WAS CAMELS (Ships of the desert) A traveling salesman had a route that took him half way round a large desert. He would stop at each small town on the deserts edge deliver supplies from his last visit and get new orders for the next trip out. It would take him eight weeks to reach the furthest village, and then eight week back to get the goods. He often wished he could ride straight across the desert and save the long trip back. But it was an estimated eight day trip and no camel could go longer that seven days without water. One day when he got to the last villiage he saw a sign for an eight day camel. This he thought would solve all his problems and give him more time to spend with his young wife and family. So he rented the camel and started out across the desert. On the seventh day the camel died! By some small miracle he was able to walk out of the desert. But he spent seven weeks recovering and gained no time at all not to mention the ordeal he went through. On his next trip, when he arrived at the last outpost he saw the same sign and went up the the owner to complain. "Very strange", said the owner. Then proceeded to question him. "Did you have the camel drink eight times as I told you?" "Yes I did!" "Well then did you do the clap?" "The clap? What are you talking about?" "When the camel is taking his final drink you pick up two brinks and clap them smartly on the camels balls. He will then suddenly suck up the extra water necessary to go eight days." "Doesn't that hurt?" asked the salesman. "Oh no! Just be careful not to get your thumbs in between the bricks!" I could get along REAL WELL with Kirstie Alley! if not dazzle=brilliance, let baffle=bullshit Why are they sending Women into space as astronauts these days? because they weigh less than dishwashers..... The United States has President Bush....Johnny Cash.....Bob Hope and Stevie Wonder. Canada has Mulroney, NO CASH....NO HOPE ---- NO WONDER !!!!! W O R S E !! Larry the friendly policeman answered the call. The lady who answered the door was to put it kindly VERY old. She explained that she was raped while walking thru the park. When did this happen asked officer friendly. Oh about 45 years ago. Then why are you reporting it? I'm not reporting it! I just like to talk about it! Beatings will continue until morale improves Q. What does the Statue of Liberty stand for? A. Because it can't sit down. Q. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? A. At the bottom of the document. Q. Why where the Indians the first people in America? A. They had reservations. Q: What's the difference between LIGHT and HARD? A: You can sleep with a *light* on. Why don't women have any trouble with their assholes? Because each morning they pack 'em a lunch and send 'em off to work ASTROLOGY Astrology itself is part of a whole glob, and a lot of other things, mostly astrological. It probably would never have been if pre-historic man hadn't gone outside of his cave one dark night, looked up and seen those twinkly things glittering in the sky. They were lightening bugs. But beyond them were stars and planets. And pre-historic man was happy about that because stars don't bite...... ----------------------- Glossary of Terms ----------------------- ASTROLOGER: A very, very lucky person. ASTROLOGY: The study of girls' backsides. CONSTELLATION: Connie Stevens' real name. CUSP: Talking dirty, e.g., "cusp words." HEAVENLY BODY: Often a girl. MARS: Contains nuts and chocolate, and gets in your teeth. MERCURY: A nice car, but it'll never work in a thermometer. MOON: A sun playing it cool. PLANET: What you do with a potato. RAYS: Something you ask your boss for. SECOND HOUSE: The one you rent for that "certain someone." SIGN: Something an Indian gives. SPHERE: To talk dirty with a German accent, e.g., "sphere verds." STAR: An actor who has a press agent. ZODIAC: A deranged person who steals Zodes. A man goes to the psychiatrist a nervous wreck. The shrink tells him to sit down and explain his problem. He says, "Well, doc, I keep having this dream where I am at this party full of people and I look across the room and there is a beautiful blonde woman and she walks over and our hands touch and instantly we are alone in a room, naked. But then an equally gorgeous brunette appears and the blonde yells 'You snake, why did you bring me with her here?!" and then she hits me and I wake up in a cold sweat and doc you gotta help me!" "Ok, ok, calm down", the shrink says, "Anything can happen in a dream. The next time you dream this, when the brunette appears, pick up the phone and call me and I will appear naked and take the brunette into another room and you can say you did not know we were there and you can have a ball." The man leaves. Two days later another man comes in and says: "Doc, you have to help me. I am a lawyer, and I should not be dreaming this but I do. I am alone in an 18-wheeler and I am driving along, very happy, and suddenly it is raining and I am very tired and I am going to kill a lot of people and you have to help me! PLEASE! I will do anything!" Again, the doc says, "Calm down, calm down. The next time you dream this, stop the truck and get out and I will come and drive for awhile until you are awake, then you will be fine and can take over." So the man goes away, and the first man comes back three days later even more of a wreck and exclaims: "Doc, you gotta help me get some sleep, I can't sleep at all anymore!" "Ok," the doctor says, "When you had your dream again, didn't you call me?" "Yeah", the patient says, "your wife answered and said you were helping a guy drive a truck to Cleveland!" First you get down on your knees, Fiddle with your rosaries... Bow your head with great respect, and genuflect, genuflect, genuflect.... If you drive a Yugo and Yucrash, Yudie!!! Oh yeah, Dave Letterman a few years back on his 'top ten' list of rejected car names was the Yugo Scr*w Yourself!! WHEN CLOWNS GO BAD There's a new source of trouble in your neighborhood Now it's spreadin' everywhere and you know it ain't good Floppy shoes Silly clothes They scare your children with a fake rubber nose When clowns go bad When clowns go bad You know it's such a disgrace You get a pie in the face When clowns go bad Now they're comin' from the circus and they're robbin' liquor stores They don't tip the waiters and they're trickin' the whores Orange hair Painted grins Ain't gonna see 'em jugglin' bowling pins When clowns go bad When clowns go bad Now ain't it a shame Barnum-Bailey is to blame When clowns go bad They're mugging old ladies for their government checks And all the boys down at precinct are emotional wrecks Krazy Kars Polka dots They're drinkin' Pabst Blue Ribbon in the church parking lot When clowns go bad When clowns go bad The world's in a mess If it's comin' down to this And clowns go bad A man was cleaning up the elephant's dung at the circus one day when a fellow walked up and asked him "Is that what you do all day?" "Yup. Been doin' it fer yars!" He replied. "Man I would never clean elephant sh*t for a living. Did you ever think of quitting?" He asked. "What? And give up show business!!" A guy goes to a psychiatrist and says "Doc I have a problem. Two months ago my cousin died and left me $75,000. Last month my Uncle died and left me $100,000." "Yes, what seems to be your problem then?" asked the doctor. "This month, nothing!" Dare I buy that book on self-assertiveness? An old cowboy was sitting in a bar somewhere in west texas, animatedly telling all his drinking buddies about the contest he won. "Yeah boys, I realy won that free trip to Ney York City, It's gonna be grand," the old cowboy remarked. The questions and advice flowed as freely as the beer and the wiskey that night. "I hear the women in New York are som-thin-else!" remarked one friend. "Yeah, and there's supposed to be some fine sippin' whiskey there too." another added. "Oh boy, and remember to try one of 'dem New York cut steaks, I hears that they are out da dis world!!". Chimed in one of his more enibriated companions. The discussion lasted into the night. The old cowboy was ready in the morning though, and at eight 'o clock sharp a limo rolled in to pick him up. He got on a plane at the airport and flew first class, non-stop to New York City. Whereupon he was picked up by another limo and taken to a very nice hotel. He had just enough time to put his bags in his room before he met with the tour group and started seeing the city. The bus let him off back at the hotel a little before eight, and he was starving! Deciding not to forage into the city again till he had some real food, he ventured down to the hotel restaurant. He was seated by the Matre 'd. and given a menu to which he quickly replied "Oh, I don't need no menu, I already knows what I want. Bring me one of those New York cut steaks!" "Yes Missuer, right away." the Matre 'd replied. Knowing that this cowboy was some VIP he decided to serve him, himself. A few minutes later he brought a bowl of piping hot soup and crackers. This did not get the reaction he expected though. The cowboy politely turned to him and said "Sir I asked for a steak, not soup." "But Missuer, the steak, it comes with soup." The Matre 'd replied. "I don't care," returned the cowboy, "Bring me my steak!" with that he shoved the soup back hard enough to make it spill. The Matre 'd picked up the soup with a "hummp" and returned soon with a wornderful New York strip that was perfection in every way. The Cowboy dug into this with gusto and consumed a vast amount of wine in the process. He then set out on the town to see the night life available in this city. In the proccess he got quite drunk, and when it came time to go home he just looked for the biggest building he could find and assumed it was the hotel. It was in fact a hospital, and as the old cowboy staggerd dukenly down the corridor looking for his room, he came to a room numbered as his was back in the hotel. Whereupon he burst in, rolled the patient out of bed and fell face first, passed out cold. As it happens the aforementioned patient was due for an enima about midnight. So not long after this takeover, in walks several husky orderlies who proceed to give the protesting cowboy a good cleanning out. Very early that morning the nurse making the rounds discovered the travesty, and proceeded to roust the still drunken cowboy out of bed and run him out of the hospital. Eventally after some wandering around the cowbow sobered up enough to find his way back to the hotel He packed his bags and met the limo in front of the hotel. He rode back in the opposite order he came, until he again sat back at the local tavern having a few beers with his friends. "Come on, tell us about New York, was the women as fine as they say?" asked one eager buddy. " Well I'll tell you boys, The women in New York, Theys as fine as they come, and the whiskey there, mmmmmmm, it's so smooth. And that New York cut steak, MMMMM MMM," and then he took on a more serious tone, "But let me tell you boys somethin', if you're ever in New York and you order one of those New York cut steaks, and they bring you soup, .. EAT THE SOUP!, 'Cause if you don't, the're commin' in in the middle of the night and shove it up your ass!!" a man being led to the electric chair says "Well, this will certainly teach me a lesson." A man with a pain in his arm called a doctor to make an appointment. The secretary told him to bring a sample of his morning urine with him. Upon arriving at the doctor's office, the doctor told him that he had a new diagnostic device that could accurately diagnose his problem by analyzing a sample of his morning urine. The man handed the sample to the doctor, who poured it into the machine and pressed a button. Thirty seconds later a printout came out of the machine. The doctor looked at it and said, "You have tennis elbow." The man scoffed, "That's impossible, I don't even play tennis. The machine is a piece of junk." The doctor replied, "I'm sorry, but this is the most advanced diagnostic device we have. Why don't we try it again tomorrow with another sample of your urine?" Relucantly, the man agreed. However, he decided to play a trick on the doctor, and got his wife to urinate in the cup, then got his daughter to urinate in the cup, then he poured some engine oil from his car into the cup, and finally, he urinated into the cup himself. The next day he handed the cup to the doctor, who poured the contents into the machine and said, "Since you were so skeptical yesterday, I am putting the machine on its finest setting, to tell us all the information it possibly can about your condition." The doctor pressed a few buttons, and this time the machine took a few minutes to produce a printout. The doctor looked at it and scratched his head, puzzled. Finally, he said, "This is very strange, but according to the machine, your wife is fucking everyone in town, your daughter is a lesbian, your car needs a tune up, and you will never get rid of tennis elbow if you don't stop jerking off!" Did you hear about the Greek guy who left home because his father wouldn't get off his back. He had to go back home because he couldn't leave his brothers' behind. Did you hear about the Greek guy who was charged with buggery? He hired a smart lawyer and had the charge reduced to "following too close". Friends don't let friends use ProComm! Jane and John met at a Christmas party, dated a few times, and decided to get married as soon as possible. This acomplished, they set off for their honeymoon in Orlando. There they were, drinks in hand, sunning themselves by the pool in the lazy sun. John asks Jane "Honey, do you mind if I go for a little swim?". She replies "Why no, hon, you go right ahead". So John climbs onto the diving tower, and, to Jane's mixed delight and astonishment, peforms a faultless 2 turn back flip off the 10 metre board, entering the water like a razor blade. He hoists himslef out of the pool, shakes the water from his ears, flops back into his chair, takes a pull of his drink, and Jane says "John! You never told me you were such a good diver!". "No," he smiles lazily, "we didn't get much time to learn a lot about each other before getting married, did we? I had some basic Olympic training in university, nearly made the state team!". Jane digests this, takes another pull of her drink, then asks "John, do you mind if I go for a little swim?". "Hell, no, honey, you go right ahead", he replies indulgently. In contrast to John, Jane tests the water with her toes, then gingerly eases herself into the shallow end. Once in, however, it's fwoooooooosh! to the other end, an underwtaer flip, and fwooooooooosh! back to the shallow end. This is reaptead six times, after which she climbs back out, shakes out her hair, and towels herself dry without any sign of fast breathing or exhaustion of any kind. "Jane!", her ever-lovin' exclaims, "You never told me you could swim like THAT!". "No," she smiles lazily, "we didn't get much time to learn a lot about each other before getting married, did we? I used to be a hooker in Venice!". RAYMOND B. NORMANDEAU Press Secretary for Queensbridge Houses Tenant Council Apartment 5B, 41-04 Vernon Boulevard, Long Island City, NY 11101 * September 7, 1990 SOLOMON PEEPLES NEW YORK CITY DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH PEST CONTROL 12-26 31 AVENUE ASTORIA, LONG ISLAND CITY, NY 11102 Greetings I am writing on the behalf of the eighteen thousand residents of Queensbridge Houses, the largest New York City Housing Authority housing project. There recently seems to have been an upsurge in mice and rat infestation in and about Queensbridge Houses. In my own apartment my wife and I caught 10 or 11 mice within the last 2 months. We have been living in our apartment since 1973 and it is only this summer that we have EVER seen a mouse in our apartment. It has been suggested that we get a cat to catch mice. As our lease with the New York City Housing Authority says that pets are not allowed, I called the New York City Housing Authority Legal Department to discuss this matter. New York City Housing Authority Legal Department attorney Ted Kwasnik on September 7, 1990 stated that pets are not allowed in apartments and that animals are pets. I then pointed out my understanding that a legal precedent had been set establishing that Seeing Eye Dogs were not considered pets, as their purpose was not that of providing companionship etc. that pets normally provide, but rather that Seeing Eye Dogs were used for a particular purpose other then that commonly defined as the purpose of a pet. Mr Kwasnik then stated: "You would have to get your cat certified like a Seeing Eye Dog gets certified, so if there is a training school that certifies cats as mice catchers, I think that you'll win your case." My purpose in writing to you is to ascertain what if any precedence has been set in NYC in regards to apartment dwellers having cats for the purpose of catching mice and if your office has any information regarding certification of cats as mice catchers. Could the New York City Housing Authority contest the cat's certification if a minimum amount of mice were not caught in a given time frame, and what proof, if any, could the New York City Housing Authority require, that a "Mouse Catcher" cat was indeed catching mice? If the New York City Housing Authority required proof of mouse catching and the cat ate most of the mouse, could the New York City Housing Authority Legal Department possibly be satisfied by giving them a piece of tail? Thank you. So many Jerks, so few bullets Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise! "Mommy, mommy, why is Daddy running down the street?" -- "Shut up and reload." Eat the rich -- the poor are tough & stringy Pardon my driving; I'm trying to reload. An Aggie was driving through the streets of Fort Worth when he spotted a frog sitting by the side of the road. The frog had long eye lashes and seemed to be batting it's eyes and smiling at him. Intrigued, the Aggie stopped his car and rolled down the window. The Frog jumped in his car and sat on his front passenger seat. So, the Aggie resumed driving with the Frog at his side. Every now and then he would glance over at the frog and it seemed to be smiling and batting it's eyes at him. He wondered ... what if? ... He leaned over, kissed the frog and: \ / POOF / \ It turned into a gorgeous, voluptuous blonde. She smiled, batted her eyes and they began a conversation. As they drove on and talked, their friendship seemed to be developing then she began to wonder "what would happen if..." she leaned over, kissed the Aggie and: \ / POOF / \ He turned into a motel (hey, not all Aggies are stupid!). Guy 1: Old McDonald had a farm, eh I eh I oh. And on this farm he had some pigs. Guy 2: What? is your sister on his farm? Why do they have billboards on the highway that say: ARE YOU ILLITERATE ??? Or the signs on the Post Office doors that say: NO ANIMALS ALOUD, EXCEPT SEEING EYE DOGS Or the signs in resterants that read: MENUS AVAILABLE IN BRAIL Boy, EZ-RDR sure is QWK. Live now -- procrastinate tomorrow! "Mommy, mommy...I don't wanna see Grandma." "Shut up and keep digging." "Mommy, mommy...I don't wanna make cookies." "Shut up and get in the oven." Q> Why wasn't Jesus born in Quebec? A> They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. Q> Why did they raise the drinking age to 35 in Quebec? A> To keep the High School students out of the bars. Prune juice--it keeps you runnin' How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but he'll bill you for five! After his death, a man found himself in hell being led by a demon to the place where he would stoka a fire throughout eternity. As he walked, he noticed a man, whom he knew had been a lawyer on earth, making passionate love to a beautiful and voluptuous woman. Turning to the demon he asked, "Why is that being permitted while I must tend a fire for eternity?" To which the demon replied, "It is not for you to judge her punishment!" A lawyer was awakened one night. When he looked up ther stood the devil. "What do you want said the lawyer?" "I am going to give you all the money you can ever spend in exchange for your soul, your wife's soul, and the souls of your children," said the devil. "Sounds good," said the lawyer, "but what's the catch?" What's the first thing you should do after running over a Lawyer? Back up. What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a snake? Incest What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your honor. What's the difference between God and a lawyer? God doesn't think he's a lawyer. How can you tell a dead lawyer form a dead skunk lying in the middle of the road? There are skidmarks in front of the skunk. Well, lawyers aren't that bad . . . if you cook 'em long enough! Did you hear about the lawyer who's wife complained that thing were getting dull in bed? (hard to believe, huh?) She suggested that he might try a little bondage next time they get amorous.... So he slapped a restraining order on her. D'ja hear about the nun who rode her bicycle over a cobblestone road? She said, "I'll never come that way again." Why do scottish sheepherders wear kilts? Cause the zippers scare the sheep. This farm couple were rocking away on the porch one night after chores and the farmer reached over to his wife and grabbed her by the breast. He said, "You know if these would give milk most of the year, we could get rid of the cows." Little while later he grabbed her by the crouch and said, "If this would lay eggs most of the year, we could get rid of the chickens." They kept rocking away and a little later his wife grabbed him by the crouch and said, "You know, if this thing could get stiff once in awhile we could get rid of your brother." Seen on the back of a truck: If it's got tits or wheels, sooner or later it'll give you trouble! Here's a bumper sticker I saw: Sometimes I wake up grumpy in the morning. Sometimes I let her sleep. Saw a bumper sticker that said: This truck is protected by a pit bull with aids. Guy goes up to a fey little fellow and says, "Can you direct me to the brooklyn ferry boat?" "Gosh," the little man says, "I knew we were organized, but I didn't know we had our own navy." I had similar experience. I was in the mall when this woman was being attacked by a man. She was driving a brand new van. She grabbed the aerial off of the van and swung it toward the man, stabbing him in the chest. He died violently. When itcame to court, the judge ruled that the woman was innocent of all wrong doing and that the man had died of a vanaerial disease. I had a strange experience last week. I was in a bar, there were these two good looking women in the corner, so I said "Hey bartender I want to by those two women a drink". The bartender gagged and said "NO NO they are lesbians, you don't want to have anything to do with them". Well I finally talked the bartender into taking them each a drink. They looked over at me, smiled, got up and sat down beside me. The biggest one said "that was a very nice thing you did. Most men wouldn't give us the time of day. Would you like to feel my friend's tits"? She pulled up her friend's sweater and I went to it. "this is easy" I thought to myself as visions of two on one went through my mind. So I said "Bartender! another round" The big one was delighted and said "Oh most men wouldn't do that for us, would like to smell my friends pussy"? Naturally I said yes. So she stuck out her tongue and held it under my nose. A man returned from the Iraqi War and he is met by his family at the port. His daughter turns to her mother and says, "Look daddy has a purple heart on." Her mother quickly replies, "Here's a dollar, I don't care what color it is, go see a movie." What's the last sound you hear before a pubic hair hits the ground? Ptuiiiiii. . . . . There was a woodpecker from texas went to see his cousin in Alaska. His cousin said, "See that tree over there? I have been trying to peck a hole in that tree for five years, no luck." So the cousin from Texas said, "Hey let me try, I might be able to do it." Within seconds he had an enormous hole drilled in the tree. A year later the Alaskan wood pecker visited his counsin in texas. The Texan woodpecker said, "You know, I have this tree over here where Ihave been trying for 10 years to poke a hole without success." His Alaskan cousin said, "Let me try, maybe I can doit." He went directly to the tree and poked a huge hole in the hardwood Texan tree. The moral of the story is: The further you're away from home the harder your pecker gets. Jesus and Moses went to the links one morning to play a round of golf. Moses, out of deference, allowed Jesus to tee off first. The Lord squared up to the tee and proceeded to whack his ball directly into a water hole. Feeling it inappropriate that he should make his Master chase down His own slice, Moses offered to recover the ball. He proceeded to trot down to the water trap. He raised his arms, parting the water, and walked out into the water trap to recover the ball. Finally, Moses returned to the tee, puffing and panting. He handed Jesus his ball, only to see Him repeat His previous shot. "I'm getting too old for this," Moses said. "You'll have to go get it Yourself." Jesus agreed and headed off to recover his ball. In the meantime, another group came up to the tee where Moses was. Seeing Jesus walking around on top of the water hazard, looking for his ball, the new arrival remarked, "Who's he think he is? Jesus Christ?" "No," Moses replied. "He thinks He's Arnold Palmer." After many years of marriage John was suddenly very ill. The doctors ran test after test but could not determine what was wrong. Finally he was admitted to hospital. Every day he got worse and worse. Just when everything looked blackest he woke up asked for eggs and grits. Soon he was nearly back to his old self and was told they would release him the next day. To surprise her husband, Joan showed up in a limousine. John was surprised at her extravagance but held his piece. After riding for a while he could not contain himself and complained about the expense of renting a "limo". "Oh, don't worry about the money dear, we own it." This was almost too much for John. "My God, women where do you get off taking our life savings and buying such a toy!" "Now, now dear, don't get upset. I didn't touch a penny of the savings. As a matter of fact there are a few other things I need to tell you about." Then she proceed to point out several pieces of property that they own, some of them large downtown buildings. Just a little more than little impressed he asks where all the money came from to acquire all this wealth. "Do you remember when we got married and every time we made love you put $10 in a jar? Well, I invested the money and over the years have built up a nice retirement account." "Jeees", he said, "If I'd a know that, I'd a given you all my business!!"