Mary had a little sheep, with this sheep she went to sleep, then she found it was a ram, Mary had a little lamb. Once upon a time there was a cruise ship sailing. On board, a magician was giving a show to some passengers. The magician ALWAYS had a parrot on his shoulder. Whenever the magician told a joke, the parrot would give it away. One time the magician had a knife, he spun it around it dissappeared! The parrot said "It's in his pocket, it's in his pocket". The crowd booed him because the parrot gave it away. The next trick he did, he waved a wand around and it vanished. Again, the parrot said, "It's up his sleeve! It's up his sleeve!" The magician got mad because he couldn't keep any of his tricks secret. The parrot kept giving them away. One day the cruise ship sank. The magician and the parrot managed to make it to an island where they stayed for about 3 months when the parrot, all of a sudden, burst out and asked: "Ok, I give up! Where'd you hide the ship?" One day some scientists heard about a remote Island where there were Porpoises that lived forever!! So off they went to check it out.Upon arriving at the Island they discovered that there was also a huge colony of Mina Birds present.And,after further research,they found that the mina birds were the porpoise's main diet! Reasoning that somehow this was the reason for the porpoises immortality,they decided to capure some of the mina birds for further study. Enter the dilemma!--a huge and ferocous lion! Whenever the sci entists came close to capturing a mina bird,the lion would appear and ruin everything! So the scientists made a plan!They dug a deep pit,put some meat laced with a powerful sedative into it,covered the pit's opening with leaves and grass;and waited. Soon the lion came round,smelled the meat,fell into the pit,ate the meat,and fell fast asleep!! The scientists grabbed as many mina birds as they could carry,raced across the pit,and were promptly arrested!Why? Transporting minas across sedated lions for immortal porpoises!!! Which is the non-smoking lifeboat? A man was walking down the street dragging his left foot behind him. Coming in the opposite direction he saw a man walking toward him who also was dragging one of his feet behind him as he walked. AS the two men met, the first one say, Vietnam 1969. The second one said, Dog shit...a half block behind me. A Pollack was in the tailor shop lookin at his new suit in a three-way mirror. The tailor said.."Well, what do you think of it?" "Great, the Pollack said, I'll take all three of them." I had a job lined up as a chimney sweep, but it fell through. I was supposed to work in the blood lab, but they told me I wasn't the right type for the job. Then the offer I had to work for RJ Reynolds went up in smoke. I was a trapeze artist for a while, but then I was let go. I applied for a job as a telemarketer but didn't get the call. She wanted to work as a hooker, but she didn't have it in her. Bo, you don't get Diddley! There was a professor in the Chemistry Dept. that I did graduate work in who was noted for the difficulty of the tests he gave. His first name was Percy. On the morning of a test he walked into the lecture hall to find the class very quiet and very diligently studying their notes for that last fact for the test. It wasn't until he had walked up the aisle to pass out the tests and turned around that he saw the message emblazoned on the blackboard in big chalk letters : MERCY PERCY ! To which he replied : Alas Class ! The leper leaves and the hooker is standing in the open door way and a door across the hall opens and a john walks out and another hooker looks at the first hooker and says Hi, how's going?" the first hooker replies: "Business is falling off." A good friend of mine, living in northern Michigan, decided to go ice fishing. He gathered up all of his tackle and moved out on the ice. He started to auger a hole in the ice when he heard a voice boom out from above: 'There are no fish here!' He thought for a few moments, gathered up his stuff, then moved a little farther down the ice. He started to auger a new hole in the ice when he heard the voice boom out from above: 'There are no fish here!!' So, he gathered up his stuff again, moved a little farther down the ice, then started to augher another hole in the ice. Again he heard the voice boom out from above: 'I said, there are no fish here!!!' He sheepishly asked: 'Is that you god?' To which the booming voice replied: 'No, I'm the rink manager' No matter where you go, ... there you are My wife and I were sitting out on our back porch, enjoying a glass of lemonade after a long hard day. A bird flew over and, with perfect aim left a deposit squarely in the middle of my wife's head. She reached up, felt the damage, and shouted: 'Quick, get some toilet paper' 'It wouldn't do any good', I quipped, 'He's miles away by now.' A Christmas Story The three wise men were riding their camels through the desert to Bethlehem. Finally they arrived at the manger containing Joseph, Mary, and their newborn son. The first wise man, a very short fellow, climbed off his camel and ran inside the manger. After a few minutes he came running outside and shouted: 'I have seen him, the son of our lord!' The second wise man, also a very short fellow, climbed off his camel and ran inside the manger. Soon he also came running outside shouting: 'I have seen the babe, our savior is born!' The third wise man, a very tall towering figure of a man, climbed off his camel and ran inside the manger: 'BOOOM', he hit his head on a rafter and shouted 'Jesus Christ'. Mary looked up and said, 'Hey, ... that sounds a lot better than Claude.' Did you hear about the new food store in Jerusulum? It's called: Cheeses of Nazereth Try Milk of Amnesia - when you need to forget Seen on another Church Marquis: Sunday's sermon will be: Do you know what hell is? Come in and hear our organist. what does a chinaman call a black with AIDS? Coonsoondi. Phone rings as bar. "Hello?" "Is Mr. Freely there? First initials I.P.?" "Is there an I.P. Freely here? I.P. FREELY!?" I bought my GF a new seat for her bike, one of those wide versions that fits a lady's pelvis a bit better than the OEM man's style. I put it on for her while she was in class, just before we were to go riding with a friend of ours. She came out to get her bike, and didn't at first realise the seat had been changed, but then the odor of new leather came to her, and she realized what I had done. We rode to Barry's house, picked him up and started riding down the valley route. She was a bit proud of the seat, so she told Barry I had gotten it, and that she hadn't caught on til she smelled the difference. And Barry quipped: "You mean you smell bicycle seats??" King Arthur was about to go fight in the crusades. He felt sceptical about leaving his wife (a beautiful young woman) with his 100 servants. He decides to put a chastity belt on his wife so that if a man tried to screw her, he'd get his dick chopped off. When he came back from the crusades he had all of his servants line up in a row and drop their pants. All of them had their dicks chopped off except one man. "Son," King Arthur said, "Thank you for living up to the trust I have put on thee. I will grant you anything you want!" The servent replied in a very undistinguishable tone, "I wrruqbrg gwergnewrgh"! There's a sign in front of a church near my home. ฺฤฤฤฤฤฤฤฤฤฤฤฤฤฤฤฟ ณ Come ณ ณ to ณ ณ Ch ch ณ ณ ณ ณWhat's missing?ณ ภฤฤฤฤฤฤยฤยฤฤฤฤฤฤู ณ ณ ณ ณ ณ ณ ณ ณ ฤฤฤฤฤฤฤฤฤฤฤมฤมฤฤฤฤฤฤฤฤฤฤฤฤ "Don't you go where those huskies go, and don't you eat that yellow snow." (Frank Zappa, philosopher) Of things I've lost, I miss my mind the most There was this 12 year old girl that got stuck with a pin but she didn't feel the prick until she was 18. They say "Love thy neighbor as thy self". What am I supposed to do? Jerk him off too. BANNANAS "The Womans Home Companion" the guy out hunting ducks. He shot one and it fell in a farmer's yard. When he went in to get it, the farmer came out and they got into an argument about who owned the duck. Farmer said it was his as it was on his property. The hunter said his as he'd shot it. After a few minutes, the farmer said, "We'll settle this country style, We kick each other in the crotch in turn and the last guy standing gets the duck." The hunter wasn't too keen on this, but agreed. Farmer said he got the first kick as it was his property. He laid in a good one and the hunter spent the next ten minutes rolling around on the ground in agony. Finally, he recovered enough to take his turn. "Ready?" he asked. The farmer said, "Ah, hell take the damned duck!" Did you hear about the black boy that jumped into the freezer? -He had diarrhea and he thought he was melting. What's smurf sex? -Screwing until you're blue in the face. Do ya guys wanna hear a cookie joke? -Forget it, it's too crummy Do ya guys wanna hear a fast joke? (Yes) -Do ya wanna hear another one? 1) When Jim Morrison sings, I get Door-gasms. 2) I love abusing the down-trodden. It gives me poor-gasms. 3) Thinking about Burt Reynold's ex-lovers gives me Dinah Shore-gasms. 4) Listening to Satanic Heavy Metal gives me Tipper Gore-gasms. 5) Star Trek, The Next Generation gives me Geordi LaForge-gasms. (ehhh) 6) Bob Hope/Bing Crosby movies give me Road to Bora-Bora-gasms. 7) Japanese war movies give me Tora Tora Tora-gasms. (ehhh) 8) Jacques Cousteau documentaries give me explore-gasms. 9) Anything with Kim Basinger gives me adore-gasms. 10) Professional golf on TV gives me fore-gasms. Or bore-gasms, grin. Why are you SHOUTING at us in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS? Computer Reference Manual, MAD Magazine... what's the difference? Shredded Disaster is Murphy Slaw What's the difference between Mono and Herpes? -- Well, you can get Mono by snatching a kiss... What color is a chameleon on a mirror? What is the output of a vacuum pump? What kind of dog has four legs and one arm? -- A Pit Bull! What do you get when you cross a Pit Bull with Lassie? -- A dog that rips your leg off and then runs for help! What do you get when you cross a Pit Bull with Lassie? -- A dog that rips your leg off and then runs for help! What's the difference between Erotic and Kinky? -- With Erotic, you use a feather... for Kinky, you use the entire chicken! Jim Finn, the noted biologist, was stumped. He'd spent months studying the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp. The population, despite all efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. Finally Finn went to the chemistry department at his college, to see if anyone there might be able to help. Tom Trom looked into the problem, and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water, and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce. Trom brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a zoss of that, and, most critically, one part of sodium. "You mean?..." Jim said when told. "Yes," said Tom. "They needed mono-sodium glue to mate." While hiking in the woods, Nate and Sam found this huge rock which had an old iron lever attached to it. Etched into the rock was the following inscription: "If this lever is pulled, the world will come to an end!" Nate wanted to pull the lever and see what would happen, but Sam, being a paranoid pessamist, greatly feared this! He said to Nate that if he tried to pull the lever, he'd shoot him! In a daring attempt, Nate lunged for the lever, and sure enough, Sam shot him! What is the moral of this story? Better Nate than lever! King John and King Paul had been at war for years, and King Paul was getting tired of it. He decided to make peace between himself and King John. So he sent his eldest son, his most trusted Prince, to see King John and arrange the peace. Well, the Prince travelled for days and finally arrived at King John's castle. It was a huge stone fortress, surrounded by a deep moat which was filled with tiny Piranha-like fish called Yellow Fingers. These Yellow Fingers could strip a cow to the bones in minutes! So the Prince yelled up to the guards, "Lower your drawbridge! I come from King Paul to arrange the peace." They did lower the drawbridge, but just as the prince put one foot on it, they yanked the drawbridge back up again, causing the prince to flip into the moat, where he was eaten by the Yellow Fingers. When King Paul heard this he was very upset, but he was still determined to make the peace. So he sent his most trusted Barons as his emissaries. One by one they were tricked into falling in the moat. King Paul sent his Dukes. They too were eaten by the fish. Finally no one was left n the castle but a little page boy. "Page," said King Paul wearily, you are my last hope. You must make the peace between King John and me. lad, and good luck." The page went to the drawbridge "I come from King Paul to arrange the peace!" As they had done many times before, King John's men lowered the bridge, then yanked it back up just as the victim put a foot on it. But a strange thing happened. The page, instead being eaten, walked right along the bottom of the moat, climbed onto drawbridge, and entered the castle. King John was so impressed by this that he made peace! What is the moral? Let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers. It takes years to become an overnight success Old Chief Gnarled Oak, turned into a millionaire by the discovery of oil on his reservation, was proud and pleased when his two boys were accepted into a swank yacht club. For years, it seemed, his one consuming ambition was to see his red sons in the sail set. Hear about the father of the leper? He gave away his daughter's hand in marriage. The famous Statesman, William Penn, had two old aunts named Natalie and Ellie who were great at baking pies. But, alas, they got greedy and raised the prices up and up till all the people in Quakertown were talking about the pie rates of Penn's aunts. Jack and Jill went up the hill, They each had a buck and a quarter. Jill came down and she had $2.50. the story about the two Polacks who went hunting together, They bagged a moose and, being big strapping fellows, tucked a hind leg each under an arm and began dragging the moose back to their vehicle. Another hunter came along and suggested that dragging the moose by the hind legs created a lot of extra friction with the hair digging into the ground. He suggested they'd be better off dragging it by the front legs and the hair would then slip over the ground more easily. They took his advice and a few minutes later, one said to the other, "Dat guy know what he was talkin' about, Dis is a lot easier." The other agreed and said, "Only thing woriies me is, we're getting a hell of a long way from the truck!" When Mary Poppins grew too old for the nanny business, she moved out t L.A., to open a fortune-telling shop and mouth-wash store. She hung a sign out her window upon opening, which said: "SUPER CALIFORNIA MYSTIC. EXPERT: HALITOSIS" Dig a very large hole and layer the bottom with about a foot of ash. Then put a line of peas around the top of the hole. When the elephant comes to take a pea, kick him in the ash-hole. This space intentionally not left blank. Or.... the Travelling Salesman was weekending in a small town whose single industry was the manufacture of coin operated machines. It was very quiet on Saturday night so he asked the desk clerk if there was anything going on in town. "No," replied the clerk, "but the factory has a demo room that's open all the time. They have some new machines there and you can try them out." The T/S went to the factopry and found a number of interesting machines in operation. One large one had a small hole in the front of it and was labled, "YOUR WIFE AWAY FROM HOME". He thought this an excellent idea, so opened his fly, stuck his member into the hole and inserted a dollar bill. There was immdeiate and noisy operating inside the machine and when he withdrew his member, there was a button sewn on the end of it! Greetings. Must tell you about my uncle Bill who went to Hollywood to get a job in the movies. Bill finally got his big break and was chosen to play a part in a western. When casting interviewed him they asked "which part do you think you are best suited for?" Of course uncle Bill replied "Just give me a small bit and a steer to star by!" There was this guy who picked up this chick at a dance. After they danced, the guy said "I'd take you to my house, but my parents are home." The woman replied "I'd let you go to my house, except my BOYFRIEND is there!" The dude suggested that they go to his van instead. The chick agreed and they went to the van; they both took off their clothes, and at the point where the man was about to enter her, the woman exclaimed "What, no foreplay?! How about going outside and look for a stick, and you could beat me with it!" So the man went outside, but couldn't find any sticks. So instead he busted the aerial off his van, and the guy and girl beat each other on the back and they had a gay old time. The next morning, however, the man was feeling aweful sore on the back. He went to his doctor, who exclaimed: "This is the worst case of Van-Aerial disease I've ever seen!" There was once a little land,where there lived a little peaceful race of people called the Trids.Everything was OK until a huge giant settled in their land.And if that weren't bad enough,whenever the giant came upon a Trid,he would kick him as hard as he could!Well,the Trids finally had had enough!Being very religious,they went to see their local Rabbi.Rabbi,they exclaimed!,the giant keeps kicking us,please help! So the Rabbi went over to the giant's cave and hollered"come out here;and explain why you keep kicking the poor little Trids!" The giant stuck his massive head out of the cave entrance and said: Silly Rabbi,kicks are for Trids!!!!!!!! ============================WARNING!=================================== A Canadian joke is approaching. This can be enjoyed by non-Canadians as well, as long as they observe the following precautions. 1. Keep in mind that Canadians have a Prime Minister (kind of like a President but without the restraining powers of Congress, the Supreme Court or Democracy, and much, much stupider). 2. The current (2 more years max!) Prime Minister is Brian Mulroney. 3. Mulroney just had a little cabinet shuffle. After the recent shuffle, Brian decided to take his cabinet for lunch. The waiter took his order. Waiter: What would you like for lunch, sir? PM: I'll have the haddock. Waiter: And for the vegetables, sir? PM: Uhhhhhh. They'll have the same. Support mental health.........Or I'll kill you. Scene - a schoolroom in Italy....... Teacher: Class, can anyone tell me where the Great Lakes are? Luigi? Luigi: Upper U.S. ! Teacher: Oh Luigi, I'm taking you to the principal's office. P.S. Knock, Knock. Who's there? Viaducts. Viaducts who? Viaducts valking on vebbed feet vhen zay could be svimming? Lower the age of puberty! Little ms. muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds and whey along came a spider and said "What's in the bowl, b*tch?!" Leonard had heard so much about ice fishing that he decided to give it a try. He got all his ice fishing gear together, went out onto the ice and started to drill a hole. Suddenly, a deep, resonant voice from above him said, "There are no fish there". Leonard shrugged, picked up his equipment, moved another 50 feet out onto the ice and began to drill. Again, a big voice boomed, "There are no fish there". Leonard looked up and asked, "Are you God?" "No asshole, I'm the arena manager, now get out!" Dyslexics of the World..... UNTIE! ....Then there was the hopeless case that Sherlock Holmes solved through the use of brilliant deduction.... Watson asks, " Tell me dear Sherlock, what school did you last attend?" "Elementary my dear Watson, Elementary." Did you hear about the guy who discovered his new wife thought the smoke detector in the apartment was the oven timer. Or how about the woman who went to the bank and got a home improvement loan, took it home, gave it to her husband and told him to get lost. A man went into a pet store and said to the owner, I'd like to buy a pet that is out of the ordinary -unusual. The pet shop owner replied, well,I have one Rairy-bird left... The man said, I've never even heard of a Rairy-bird, that certainly makes it unusual!, I'll take it! So the man brought home his new Rairy-bird and soon found out that it had a huge appetite! It was always hungry!! Finally,the Rairy-bird was so big and fat that it wouldn't fit inside the house anymore, much less the cage! The man said to himself:I've got to get rid of this animal-I can't afford to feed it! So he rented a huge dump truck, put the Rairy-bird into the back ,and drove to the edge of a high cliff. He then dumped the Rairy-bird out of the truck and over the cliff!! Thinking that all his troubles were over, the man was driving home when he suddenly heard this singing coming from the back of the dump- truck: I"It's a long long way to tip-a-Rairy!! My old friend Roy Rodgers once got himself a brand new pair of cowboy boots.They were beautiful!! Out on the plains camping once,a huge mountain lion crept into Roy's camp and chewed up Roy's new cowboy boots!Roy was furious,and decided to never rest until he had revenged himself upon the ornery mountain lion! Finally he had the critter in the sights of his rifle!Bang!!-one dead mountain lion! Heading back into town with the dead animal slung across his horse,a friend approached him and sang: Pardon me Roy, But is that the cat That chewed your new shoes? Ma and Pa always made a nice ritual out of dinner - Ma brought out her freshly baked loaves of home-made bread, and Pa would carefully carve them into regular, even slices. Every night, the family would sit around the table nodding with approval as Pa displayed his skill with the knife, barely leaving a crumb as he divided up the loaves. As the years went by, the kids would all chip in and buy Pa a new knife every few Christmases. Each time, they got him a larger, sharper, better knife. Pa could put a couple of loaves side-by-side and with one pass of his knife, create several even slices of Ma's bread. Finally, one Christmas, the kids really outdid themselves. They got Pa such a fine knife that tears sprang to his eyes as he opened the package. Holding it aloft, he reverently exclaimed, "I never thought that I'd own a four-loaf cleaver!" Old Mother Hubbord went to the cubbord to get her poor daughter a dress; When she got there the cubbard was bare and so was her daughter, I guess. Old Mother Hubbord went to the cubbord to get her poor dog a bone; When she bent over rover came over and gave her a bone of his own. Mary had a little lamb; The Dr.'s were supprised; But when Old McDonald had a farm, they almost passed out. Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds and way; Along came a spider and said what ya got in the bowl bitch. There was an old lady who lived in a shoe; She had so many children her uterious fell out. Once there was a Russian who had a pen-pal who lived in Africa. They had written each other letters for about 2 years, when the African sent a letter to his Russian friend announcing his plans to come to Russia and visit him. The Russian, who always wanted to meet his African friend, prepared a tour for his friend. After meeting him at the airport, the Russian took the African on a tour of Moscow. When they approached Red Square, the African saw a circle of men standing around passing something around, and asked "What's going on down there?". The Russian said "That's our national game of Russian Roulette". The African asked "How is it played?" The Russian said "Well, let's go watch them..." They went down and watched as each Russian in turn took a six- shooter from his neighbor, spun the cylinder, placed the muzzle to his head, and pulled the trigger. The African said "What's the game about?" The Russian explained "One of the chambers is loaded. If you land on the loaded chamber, you are dead." The African says "Interesting.... Simple, yet elegant. I like it..." As the African was about to leave for home, they made plans for the Russian to visit his African friend in his home village. Remeber that neat game you showed me called Russian Roulette? We have invented our own version, called African Roulette..." The Russian asked "How is it different?" The African says "Well, let's go watch and I'll show you." They go to the center of the village and find the following scene: In the center of the village, there are 20 naked men walking around a circle. Inside the circle, there are 20 naked women. An old man to the side is beating on a drum. The Russian says "OK, what's going to happen now?" The African replies "See the man with the drum? When he quits beating it, each man get's a blowjob from the woman in front of him..." The Russian says "Where's the fun of that?!?" The African replies slyly "One of the girls is a Cannibal!!!" Save the Whales -- Collect the whole set! If swimming is good for your figure, Why do whales look the way they do? ษอออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออป บ PLAYBOY'S PARTY Jokes April 1990 บ ศอออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออผ An unemployed stripper begged her agent to find her work. He cautioned her that the only job available was at a longshoremen's convention-- typically a rough gig. Because she was broke, she took the job anyway. That evening, the agent walked into the hall just as the stripper began her act. Before long, the unruly crowd began pelting her with crushed beer cans and cigarette butts while shouting obscenities, issuing lewd catcalls and trying to manhandle her. Halfway through her performance, she ran off stage, sobbing. "Look, they don't mean anything by it," the agent said consolingly. "They've just had too much to drink and----" "No, no it's not them!" she exclaimed. "Did you hear that f***ing band?" ษอออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออป บ PLAYBOY'S PARTY Jokes April 1990 บ ศอออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออผ Two miserable inhabitants of hell were taking a walk when a frigid breeze blew. A moment later, a storm dumped several inches of snow, reducing the blazing fires to sizzling steam. The men looked around in amazement. "What do you suppose is going on?" one asked. "Only thing I can figure," the other said, "is that the Cubs went to the series." ษอออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออป บ PLAYBOY'S PARTY Jokes April 1990 บ ศอออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออผ Two doctors were putting on the ninth green when one collapsed from a heart attack. "Help me," he groaned to his companion. "Sorry, my malpractice insurance won't cover it," his partner replied, walking off the green, "but I'll get help." A few minutes later, he returned, picked up his club and began lining up hit putt. The man on the ground raised his head and screamed in Disbelief, "I'm dying and you're putting?" "Don't worry. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he'd come and help." "The second hole? When the hell is he coming?" "Hey, I told you not to worry," he said, stroking his put. "They're going to let him play through." ษอออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออป บ PLAYBOY'S PARTY Jokes April 1990 บ ศอออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออผ Why did the Siamese twins got to England? So the other one could drive for a while. ษอออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออป บ PLAYBOY'S PARTY Jokes April 1990 บ ศอออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออผ What did Dan Quayle say when Mrs. Quayle blew softly in his ear? "Thanks for the refill." ษอออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออป บ PLAYBOY'S PARTY Jokes April 1990 บ ศอออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออผ After a brief absence, a nurse returned to her station and was quickly pulled aside by one of her colleagues. "Shirley, your breast is out of your uniform!" "Oh, shit," the rumpled nurse replied, glancing down. "Don't those damn doctors ever put anything away?" ษอออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออป บ PLAYBOY'S PARTY Jokes April 1990 บ ศอออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออผ After a late night out with the boys, the man undressed and slipped into bed with his wife. "Are you awake honey?" he whispered. When he got no response, he kissed her on the lips. "Hon, you awake?" Still no response. He kissed her on both breasts. "Hon, wake up." He kissed her on the belly. She didn't move. Then he kissed her on the knee. "You son of a bitch!" she shrieked, bolting upright. "If my pussy had been a bar, you wouldn't have missed it! ษอออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออป บ PLAYBOY'S PARTY Jokes April 1990 บ ศอออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออผ Heard about Zsa Zsa's new fragrance? It's called Conviction and you just slap it on. ษอออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออป บ PLAYBOY'S PARTY Jokes April 1990 บ ศอออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออออผ Rumors in the fast-food industry have it that McDonald's is preparing to test-market a new burger made from bulls' lips. It'll be called the McJagger. One day in Russia,Rudy,a Communist Party member,was discussing the upcoming stormy weather with his wife,Helga.Rudy said it looked like a huge rainstorm was coming,but Helga said it was surely snow!Rain,said Rudy insistently!Snow,said Helga,stubbornly! This went on for quite some time,until the exasperated husband finally said: Rudolph the Red,knows rain,dear!!!!!!! Why are they raising the drinking age to 23 in Newfoundland ? To cut the drinking out of the elementary schools . Uncle Bill was finding the money in the movie business rather poor. Unless you were a big star minimum wage was the best you could expect. As Bill was having trouble making ends meet he decided to take on a second job. After some searching he got a job out in the San Joaquin valley guarding fields of cantalopes and casabas. Bill was issued an old double barrel shotgun and shells loaded with rock salt. His job was to protect the fruit from theives who would sneak in during the dark of night. The first few nights were very difficult. Uncle Bill had a terrible time staying awake all night, then going to his daytime acting job. At last Bill came up with a solution. He would get a dog to help him guard the fields. After much looking Bill found a suitable animal. It was one of the long haired breed known for its great intelligence. In memory of one of the dogs more famous relatives Bill named his new pet Lassie. Guard duties became much easier. Lassie would stand watch while her master caught a few winks. Unfortunately one dark evening a stray dog came into the cantalope field. While Bill was sleeping Lassie took time out for a romantic interlude. In a due span of time Lassie gave birth to a single cute little puppy. Bill was delighted, he now had two dogs to help with guard duties. He became very attached to the little pup, and often refered to it as his "melon collie baby". ;-) Husband and wife were enjoying some horizontal recreation. Husband stopped and asked wife. "Did I hurt you?" She replied. "No, why?" He responded, "You moved!" Wife tells husband that if he doesn't smarten up she'll cut him off. He asked, "How you gonna do that? You don't even know where I'm getting it!" Guy asks friend if friend talks to his wife during sex. Other guy responds, "Sure, if she happens to call!" Guy asks friend, "Does your organ burn after you've had sex?" Friend responds, "Don't know, never enjoyed sex enough to try and light it!" What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub? The woman in church has hope in her soul... All swell that ends swollen... Little Miss Muffet Crouched on a tuffet, Collecting her shell-shocked wits. There dropped (from a glider) An H-Bomb beside her- Which blasted Miss Muffet to bits. What's the definition of gross??? Diving into a bowl of snot and eating your way out! What's the definition of pain?? Jumping off the CN tower and getting your nose caught on a nail! What's another def of pain?? Sliding down the CN tower with razor blades strapped to your butt and then landing in a bowl of iodine! What is red and scratches on glass?? A baby in a microwave! What is green and doesn't scratch on glass??? The same baby two weeks later! How do you get across a room without touching any babies?? Use a snowblower!!! What is black and squirms?? A half alive baby in a body sack. What is black, smells and doesn't squirm?? The same baby three weeks later!! It was the 8th annual mouse convention and mice from near and far had gathered for the ball. A pretty little female mouse waltzed by the stag line and one of the males whistled a low, dirty whistle to himself. Turning to another male mouse he said, "Look at the legs on that mouse, aren't they sexy?' "Just fair," was the answer. "You crazy," said the first mouse and then turned to another, asked his opinion. "They're nice," said the third mouse, "but nothing to get excited about." "Some mice have no appreciation," exclaimed the first mouse. "Now you," he said to the fourth mouse, what do you think of them?" "To tell the truth," was the reply, "I'm no authority on legs, I'm a titmouse myself." A young couple got married and after all the festivities the new groom made one request of his new wife. He told her he wanted to designate a drawer in his bureau to be his PRIVATE DOMAIN. She was to respect his privacy and never venture into this sacred place of his. Well she was agreeable to this and went on to live a long and happy life together. After about 45 years of this marital bliss the husband became seriously ill, hospitalized, and not expected to survive long. The wife sitting at home, waiting to go for a visit, decided this may be her last opportunity to unlock the secret of his private door so he opened it up. Inside she found 3 golf balls and 5000 dollars in cash. Later at the hospital she confessed to her dying husband of her curiosty and asked him to explain the contents. Well, he said, whenever I cheated on you I put a golfball in the drawer. She thought about that fora minute and figured considering they had 45 happy years, she could forgive 3 indescretions. She then asked of the 5000 dollars. Oh that, he said, every time I got a dozen balls I sold them. I maybe a Poet and I don't Know it. But my Dick... It's a Longfellow! A man stood on the Brooklyn Bridge, his feet hung in the water. - Longfellow Two guys stop on a bridge to relieve themselves. As they are standing there, the first guy said "Hey, this water is cold." The other guy replied, "Yeah, and deep too." Two neighbors were discussing gardening one afternoon. The lady from next door remarked, "My but you have such a nice blush on your tomatoes, how do you do it?" The gentleman farmer replied, "Oh, its easy. Every morning before I get dressed, I walk out to my garden in my bathrobe and flash them. You should give that a try." A few weeks later the two neighbors were again talking about gardening, when the man asked, "By the way, how are your tomatoes doing? Do they have a nice blush yet?" "No," answered the woman, "they are the same as before. But now my cucumbers are a foot long!" If you had a faggot on your back, would you let him stay on, or would you beat him off? There were two young brothers, Ted age 10 and Roy age 8. For days they had been contemplating where they were going to be sent for their annual summer camp. Well Ted says "My instinct tells me we are going to be sent back to camp Tomahawk again this year." Roy looks at him with a weird glint in his eye and says "Well my end stinks too but it don't tell me nuttin." Did you pass your prune pit today? Or the gal who wanted a unique pet for a gift for her husband, and bought the Crunch-Bird that the pet store clerk recommended. Why? Well, the clerk had demonstrated.... "Crunch-Bird - CHAIR!" Whereupon the Crunch Bird reduced the chair to sawdust with his powerful beak. Then, "Crunch Bird, Table!" Another pile of dust, so she bought it on the spot. Well, the guy had had a terrible day at work and was in a lousy mood. His wife greeted him at the door and said, "Honey, look what I bought for you today! A Crunch Bird." To which the grump replied, "Crunch Bird, my ass! Gimme a beer!" A woman in Boston hails a taxi and hops in. Woman: Oh driver, take me to where I can get scrod. Driver: OK lady, but shouldn't you be using the past perfect? Beware of geeks baring GIFs. Why doesn't the Post Office lose THIER mail?