Yeah, i guess i could write this in the format of a thesis althought most likely
it'll be highly un-original.  You see, it becomes apparant that i am conserving
energy for some reason.  Well, besides the fact that i am a food processing 
power plant that requires signifigant ammounts of energy to motivate myself into
any sort of action, i am also of a lazy mental disposition.  I spend about 90%
of my day just thinking of randomly creative shit rather then directing myself
towards one particular goal.  This makes me question the nature of my own sanity.
You see, lately ive been questioning a lot of things, been harboring the 
demon of sobriety and it has in turn been harboring the festering need to 
contemplate the world that surrounds it.  In such i've kinda become at rest with
a few lingering subjects.  Well not at rest really, but comfortable to believe
certain things, perhaps to satiate the need for rest (*shrug*).  Well, first on
the list would have to be God, or the boogey man, or whatever the hell you'd 
like to call him.  This probably requires a bit of an explanation.....


1994: Christian by default.. read the new testament and found it to be
unlike the descriptions i've recieved.  It seems that someone baked a turd
covered it with frosting and called it a cake.  No beans.  Began to lose faith.

1995-1999: Various bouts with agnosticism early on, but contemplation brought
me to believe that atheism was a founded belief structure from which I could
take stance.  Therefore christianity beacame the enemy of my world.  Rather
estranged myself from my family and actually convinced a 11th grade math teacher
that there was no god.  Haha.. good stuff. 

2000-2004: Began to experience huge instances of serendipity.  Started to see
things happening that by chance occurance shouldn't happen.  Started thinking
about the nature of order vs disorder.  Came to the ultimate conclusion that
even disorder is order.  Ultimate disorder is not nothingness, but order instead.
Nothingness on the other hand was basically an absense of everything, or the 
destruction of everything.  Thus began to contemplate Order vs Destruction ie.
the true polar opposite of order (or everything).  Well.. this train of thought
kept leading me to consider the possiblity of the immensity of the universe and
 the nature of setience being born out of other forms of matter, like electrons
(as were we) and quantum matter.   It seemed to me that with energy and time
all things became possible.  Still though the god of the bible seemed absolutely
far fetched and a bit fetid in description.  Still believed he'd have to be
a sinister god.  Rather odd eh.  I also began thinking of the nature of free
choice.  Previous to this I had believed that there was no such thing as
free choice for the existance of time and the movement of time defines the
staticity of time and every river can be observed from a high enough point.
God if he exists can see your fate.. if hes standing on a mountain high enough.
Things in my head were still fucked.  Oh.. as a note.. i smoked like i dunno
prolly somewhere around 4lbs of weed within the span of time that led to today.  

2005:  Things are fucked now.. because ive found that energy based systems tend
to conserve energy upon structuring.  I've also found out that they have proven
the theroy of quantum darwinism which kinda debunks parts of the heisenburg
uncertainty principle which kinda opens up the mystery of quantum order and the
affect observation has on that order.   It seems things are ordered on a quantum
level, kinda like how our bodies are all structured on a cellular level.  Thus
the possibility for a god becomes more immense.  I also read the koran, in light
to attempt to discover what is making all those stupid ass middle easterners
so friggin pissed off.  Basically after reading it, its just another abrahamic
faith, but one that puts spite in the direction of the original described god
and wishes to burn the holy nation in which the biblical god perscribed we defend
from the same sort of attackers in which the koran describes its people to be.  
Is this all chance.  Is all of this serendipitidy chance.  Is everything in my 
life a description of randomness or absolute destruction as one would believe.
Now i think no.. and its scarry.. and really fuckin me up.  Im not sure anymore
if when i speak in my head, if im alone.. if i speak to something that i am 
inherently built to speak to.  Its kinda like waking up and finding out your
assumptions previously were rather baseless and that the boogey man is fuckin
real.   I'm not sure where to go from here but laziness has proven to me that
god could be lazy too.  And that this could all be an experiment in the nature of
choice vs. the lonliness of god.  Perhaps this is gods dry run to figure out if
creating other gods is a good idea.  Who knows.. haha..  but yea.. thats where
im at.  



So yeah.. im tired.  Too much recollection.  Fuck y'all.

2005 - Update

Pretty much an atheist again.  "Just because order is implied does not mean it is intended."

eDfGr33n
"wtf."
