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   MARCH 16, 2003              INSTALLMENT 230         BMC, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
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                         FEATURED IN THIS INSTALLMENT:

         The Caffiene-Induced Version of The Road Less Traveled - ada
                                                    

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                                EDITOR'S NOTE

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  And here we have the rock star of The Neo-Comintern: our friend, our idol,
  our lover, and our oven.  With her, language and philosophy are
  ingredients, mixed together in the proper amounts, and scorched on high
  heat within her very soul.  The result is a feast of literature tastier
  than piping hot pizza.  And speaking of pipes, be sure to pull out the
  bag, pack the bowl, and take a pull to this work of experience.  
 

 -    -   -  - -- -------===========================------- -- -  -   -    -

         The Caffiene-Induced Version of The Road Less Traveled - ada

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  On this journey of self discovery I have discovered that self discovery is
  bullshit.  Now I know what you're thinking -- all the great philosophers
  in the world were self discoverers and they discovered some great
  discoveries.  I know because I studied philosophy for a semester.  And on
  the days I did make it to that 11:30 class, I learned a lot about how
  philosophers think.  Like about altruism... and how pancakes with just the
  right amount of maple syrup can get your day off to a super start.
  Unfortunately, what these philosophers won't tell you about is the
  millions of times they sat back in their lay-z-boy chairs with their
  thinking caps on and said "but why?"  And not just why am I here and why
  did I go down this or that particular path.  But why am I still here?  In
  other words, why hasn't the pressure of this life sent me shooting off
  into the next one with a single gunshot?  Yes my dears, even the ones you
  thought would have all the answers have proved you wrong.  Isn't that just
  a kick in the ass.  And to make matters worse, you were counting on
  someday taking that very same philosophy class as I did way back in my
  first year of university, weren't you?

  Well, I may not be a world traveler, but I am currently homeless, without
  an address or one bed that I call my own.  Which means I am currently a
  wanderer, a drifter, a rolling stone if you will.  And no, I don't have
  all the answers either.  But along my provincial travels I've learned a
  thing or two and you would do well to listen, if not for educational
  purposes, at least for your own amusement.


  The questions you will be asking yourself along the way of life are as
  follows:

  1) Why am I here?
  2) Where am I going?
  3) How do I get there?
  4) When do I know I am there?
  5) What do I do once I get there?

  Now, to clarify, the "here" stands for the pathetic plateau you have been
  wandering around for sometime.  The "there" stands for the utopian
  existence you know is out there, waiting patiently and softly calling your
  name.  It is when you begin to ask these questions that you will begin to
  panic.  This is a normal side effect of questioning your existence and
  don't worry, there are drugs for these things.  Uh, unless you actually
  want to know the answers, in which case read ahead.  Now before you start
  doing crazy and stupid things like full body slams into brick walls,
  having shameless sexual encounters with semi-strangers, or enrolling
  yourself in university in a feeble attempt to give yourself a quick fix
  direction, just sit back and relax for a minute.  Remember, you still have
  several options at your feet.

  First of all, you can always move to an average sized town in a new
  province.  Let's call this town Kitchener/Waterloo in southern Ontario.
  You could go there and pay $400 rent to live in your sister's basement
  apartment in the suburbs.  But before you jump at that one too quickly,
  remember that the only real benefit to this scenario will be the hours of
  satellite T.V. you will undoubtedly watch while saying to yourself
  'tomorrow I'll go apply for minimum wage jobs.  I'll start with the mall
  food courts.'  In other words, this may not be the opportunity you were
  looking for.

  Another option is to continue working your minimum wage job but begin to
  dream of that life beyond your current existence.  Where you'll own your
  own publishing company and help young and emerging writers like you once
  were to publish their manuscripts.  By this time you will have volumes of
  poetry published and for sale at local independent bookstores.  This is a
  fabulous opportunity, you have really outdone yourself with this one.  But
  there is one tiny glitch in your plan... it's a dream, you idiot.  Nothing
  in your life has changed, you've simply been fantasizing this whole time.
  If you're not going to take this whole thing seriously, I suggest you stop
  reading here.

  A third and final option (unless you can think of any more, but I really
  doubt you can) is to plan to move for oh, about six months or so.  And I
  mean really plan.  Quit the minimum wage job you've had for two and a half
  years, or at least arrange a job transfer so when you reach your
  destination, not only will you have all the comforts of home, you will
  actually be able to continue your meaningless life in a nonexistent social
  environment.  Move out of the two bedroom apartment you share with your
  best friend, and to make it official, let her keep all your furniture
  including the papa san chair and the glass table you bought only a few
  months earlier and the VCR your parents gave you for Christmas last year.
  Remember how you cried when you opened it?  Yeah well, let her keep it,
  you won't need it where you're going.  Oh and leave her your fish too.  If
  you died they'd be going to her anyway.  But don't stress about it.
  Instead concentrate on packing your clothes and the few belongings you did
  keep.  And once you finally move, decide after only a month that hey it's
  not really for you, you'd much rather travel and sponge off of various
  relatives.

  This brings us to my advice on your new journey.  Here it is in five
  direct answers which will hopefully help you, but most likely spin you
  full circle back to where you started.  My apologies in advance if this
  does in fact happen to you.

  #1.  No matter what your gut says, don't listen to it.  Yeah, I know what
       you're thinking, my mom always taught me to listen to what my gut
       tells me.  Well guess what?  Parents, especially mothers, are usually
       wrong.  To get one thing straight - guts are by no reason the same
       thing as brains.  That's why they call them guts, folks.  And they
       sound as ugly as they are.  If you think about what they're made of,
       squiggly snake like tubes all mushed into each other.  Your food is
       digested in your guts.  So whenever you get a funny feeling in your
       gut, just pass it off as indigestion.  You'll be a lot better off,
       believe me.

  #2.  Never go to your friends for advice.  Or your family.  Or your
       therapist for that matter.  When you go to them for answers you will
       get three different ones and none of them are good.

       The first will be, "you should definitely come home, or come back
       from that weird state of mind you've been in since you started
       `questioning' your life.  I mean, honestly, what was so wrong with
       the minimum wage retail job you had, and the friends you barely saw
       and the three year degree you dropped out of last fall?  Stop trying
       to kid yourself and save the `enlightenment' for Buddha."  These are
       people to avoid simply because they will never be able to accept the
       new you.  They are obviously afraid of change and have no place in
       your "new" life.  I recommend that you minimize contact as quickly as
       possible, limiting it to short emails referring only to subjects like
       the weather, the new pair of pants you bought and the latest dance
       craze.

       The second possible answer will be on the other extreme.  It will
       consist of the following comments.  "I hope you aren't planning to
       cave in and return to your old life.  You know it wasn't your
       original plan to come home.  The whole point of you leaving this
       boring old town was to live somewhere else.  You're doing it for the
       experience remember?  And so I can live vicariously through you."
       This side you must know is an automatic cutoff.  No, they don't even
       get a goodbye.

       Now the third possible answer is this. "Hey there you-"  (Okay, why
       are you even dwelling on this one?  These morons don't even know
       your name, are you really going to listen to what they have to say?
       Okay, okay, fine...)  "I think you should do whatever makes you
       happy/feel good.  Do whatever your gut tells you..." (warning: as
       soon as you hear that comment out of anyone's mouth-become
       automatically suspicious).  "...there are no right or wrong answers,
       no mistakes in life, only challenges and obstacles, only learning
       opportunities."  Okay, whoever says this to you doesn't know you or
       care enough either way to form an actual opinion and give you real
       advice.  They're the fence sitters.  The ones who are too afraid to
       choose sides so they dodge the issue altogether.  Of course mistakes
       are made -- that's why we have jails, right?  Or is murder simply a
       "learning opportunity?"  I think not.  These unfortunate people can't
       see black and white, they only see an ocean of gray and therefore
       have no business commenting on your life one way or another.  They
       spew out meaningless hippy talk in an attempt to win your favor and
       should therefore never be bothered with again.

  #3.  If you get lost along the way, don't forget that you have a walkman,
       a nice woolly scarf that someone once told you reminded them of angel
       food cake, and good walking shoes you bought for only $30 on sale.
       You have lots of time to get lost, wander the streets aimlessly, find
       your way and get lost again before it's time for supper.  And if you
       haven't found your way by supper you can always slip into the nearest
       fast food joint and have your favorite combo.  Unless you don't like
       fast food.  In that case you're pretty much screwed.

  #4.  Home is a word for sissies.  Home has no place in your heart or
       mind... or guts for that matter if you're still being an idiot and
       thinking with your guts.  You are a wanderer now, and you have no
       need for a home.  But don't let this turn you into a blubbering cry
       baby.  Remember, all you really need now is a book of traveling
       poetry, enough money to take the city bus around and around or at
       least until you find your way downtown, a coffee shop, a notebook and
       pen, and your walkman (sweet sweet walkman) to drown out the out of
       tune folksinger who started playing a couple of hours after you sat
       down to enjoy a nice latte in peace.

  #5.  You never have to make a final decision when it comes to your life.
       After all, it is your life.  You don't have to answer to anyone
       because you've already ditched all your friends and family.  Even
       your therapist has been left in the dark, which was for the best
       really.  I mean, he charged eighty bucks a pop and for what?  Hell,
       you should have just saved the money and bought yourself another bus
       ticket to the middle of nowhere.

  Like I said, it's your life.  And nobody's going to live it for you...
  except for you of course.  Even when you crunch the blue bead on your
  tongue ring, and when you replace it with another one (clear with the
  little blue bits of glitter inside) and three weeks later you swallow that
  one in your sleep and wake up half gagging on it until you sit up and
  choke it down... even then, you've gotta remember that life goes on.  And
  it's all up to you to complain about it.  Oh and search for the truth.

  Always keep searching...


  authors note:  The five questions had little or nothing to do with the
  solutions to your problems.  I merely posed them as questions you are
  bound to ask yourself.  Did I claim to have all the answers?  Well, maybe
  I did... but I sure didn't tell you I'd give them to you.  Oh wait...
  never mind.


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  The Neo-Comintern Magazine / Online Magazine is seeking submissions.
  Unpublished stories and articles of an unusual, experimental, or
  anti-capitalist nature are wanted.  Contributors are encouraged to
  submit works incorporating any or all of the following: Musings, Delvings
  into Philosophy, Flights of Fancy, Freefall Selections, and Tales of
  General Mirth.  The more creative and astray from the norm, the better.
  For examples of typical Neo-Comintern writing, see our website at
  <http://www.neo-comintern.com>.

  Submissions of 25-4000 words are wanted; the average article length is
  approximately 200-1000 words.  Send submissions via email attachment to
  <bmc@neo-comintern.com>, or through ICQ to #29981964.

  Contributors will receive copies of the most recent print issue of The
  Neo-Comintern; works of any length and type will be considered for
  publication in The Neo-Comintern Online Magazine and/or The Neo-Comintern
  Magazine.

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  the neo-comintern

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