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      The Neo-Comintern Electronic Magazine  --  Installment Number 224
 .... .. .  .   .    .     .      .        .      .     .    .   .  . .. ....
    `""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""'
      
                  Subversive Literature for Subverted People

                  Date:                   February 2nd, 2003

                  Editor:                                BMC

                  Writers:                    Ahmed Balfouni
                                                   Melatonin
                                                Gnarly Wayne
                        


  d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b.
 ;P                      Featured in this installment:                     .b
 $                                                                          $
 $                 Public Safety Committee - Ahmed Balfouni                 $
 $                         Crusto Clappo - Melatonin                        $
 $                        Subway Lines - Gnarly Wayne                       $
 `q                                                                        p'
   `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'

                                EDITOR'S NOTE
                      (please do not read the following)

  Sometimes the issues are good, sometimes they're better, and sometimes
  they're better than better.  This one is one of those.  Look around.
  Look up and down.  Look at your hands.  Now look at these articles.
  Then look at your hands again and see if they have changed.  If you read
  all of the articles properly, you will see a rainbow!  
                                                         
                                                                       ,o$o
   o$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$Y$$$$b
  d$$$'                                                               `  `$$b 
 d$$'                       Public Safety Commitee                        ,$$
 $$:                          by Ahmed Balfouni                          ,$P
  `$n,.. .  .   .    .     .      .        .      .     .    .   .  . ..P' 
    `"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""'

  you're after one (camera one) on the bias
  up the nostrils
  (camera two)
  it's a very slow day (camera three)
  as you never meet (camera one)

                                                                       ,o$o
   o$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$Y$$$$b
  d$$$'                                                               `  `$$b 
 d$$'                            Crusto Clappo                            ,$$
 $$:                              by Melatonin                           ,$P
  `$n,.. .  .   .    .     .      .        .      .     .    .   .  . ..P' 
    `"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""'
                 
                         The 10 Lives of Crusto Clappo 
  
  In the beginning, there was a bang, and it was big.  But all bangs, both
  big and small, must begin with something more, and this bang -- the
  biggest of them all -- was, of course, no exception.
  
  It began like this. 
  
  God was making a pot of soup for Himself and a special lady friend who was
  due to come over at any moment.  The phone rang behind Him and He turned
  in surprise, accidentally knocking the pot off the stove.  Too distracted
  to summon His powers of omnipotence, He watched helpless as the soup went
  spilling across His shiny new robe and the pot landed on the big toe of
  His most divine and worthy left foot. 
  
  God cursed, and with that, gave birth to the Universe. 
  
  Suddenly there was space and time. 
  
  Next we had suns, moons, stars, and planets. 
  
  Gravity showed up and everyone groaned. 
  
  Love waltzed through the front door, and hate slipped in after. 
  
  The pile of coats in the guest bedroom grew and grew and grew until the
  last man came in -- though in truth, this nameless, shapeless creature was
  neither man nor woman, plant nor animal.  He simply was.  Though at times,
  in certain social situations, it became necessary to reference
  him/her/it/none of these, and when those situations arose, two words could
  be heard in the throats of those around him, ringing out loud and clear
  down the golden halls of existence. 
  
  Those words were Crusto Clappo, and when you said them, you knew that life
  was good.
  
  These are The First 10 Lives of Crusto Clappo. 
  
                                      1. 
  
  Crusto Clappo begins life as a breeze.  He is chilly and slightly biting,
  but in a good way.  For two hundred years he refreshes all he touches,
  then grows bored and decides to hold his breath in protest. 
  
                                      2. 
  
  Crusto awakens as a piece of chalk, gripped tight in a child's hand.  He
  only has time for one thought -- "Wait, has chalk even been invented
  yet?" -- before he's brutally asphyxiated.  The coroner records the
  accident as death by palm and everyone returns to business (watching TV). 
  
                                      3. 
  
  Crusto is reincarnated as the number three.  "How ironic," he thinks, then
  scratches his genitals and is shocked to discover that the number three is
  female.
  
                                      4. 
  
  Planet Crusto finally cools and small, bipedal creatures begin to swarm
  its rocky surface.  Crusto spends seven generations tormented by the
  annoying patter of their tiny footsteps all over his helpless body.  Every
  night he prays for an asteroid to hit.  However, when one finally does, he
  quickly realizes that he's in too many pieces to rejoice. 
  
                                      5. 
  
  Crusto finds himself inside the severed body of one of those small,
  bipedal creatures that once roamed his planetary surface but are now
  soaring through space after its untimely destruction.  When he looks down,
  Crusto realizes that both his feet were lost in the blast and screams
  maniacally at the empty space below his ankles, "Ha ha, take that feet!
  Take that!"
  
  This continues for nine decades. 
  
  Crusto's feet, meanwhile, are lounging in Heaven, eating grapes out of a
  virgin's navel.
  
                                      6. 
  
  Crusto finally finds happiness on a planet called Earth when he's reborn
  as an oak tree circa 1400.  He spends many sturdy years relaxing under the
  sun, distracting himself with his idle tree thoughts (for example: "How
  much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" and
  "Is a fetus simply an extension of a woman's body, or is it something
  more?").  At night, he stretches his roots out and quietly laps the cool
  waters of a nearby stream.  In the summer, birds build nests in his hair.
  In the spring, young lovers take picnics under his branches and his heart
  warms with the nervous anticipation of their conversation. 
  
  Yes, all in all, Crusto was more than content with his life as an oak
  tree.  If his bark could have opened up and smiled, it would have. 
  
  Eventually, however, all trees must meet their maker, and Crusto's fate
  was no exception.  In the year 1592 he was chopped down and turned into
  pulp.  But don't feel too bad because not only did they turn him into
  paper -- they turned him into the very same paper on which William
  Shakespeare composed the first draft of "Romeo and Juliet", as well as
  some of those sonnets no one cares about.
  
  The rest of the pulp I lost track of, but I think some of it became
  Kleenex.
  
                                      7. 
  
  Crusto is a chair. 
  
  That's about as exciting as this one gets, except for the time when Crusto
  saw someone coming and thought he was about to be sat on, but then
  wasn't.  (True story.)
  
                                      8. 
  
  Crusto is a fish.  As a minnow, his parents abandon him, and he grows up a
  very bitter, hostile young trout.  After being expelled from Princeton
  University, he establishes an underground resistance movement called
  Trouts for Democracy.  However, as the only fish in the sea who
  understands the concept of democracy, Crusto fails to gain much support.
  Years later, as he rises up the fish food chain, his views grow more
  extremist and bizarre.  He decides that only trout with purple scales can
  be considered "real" trout and attempts to expel all other trout from the
  ocean via an elaborate system of battering rams and catapults.  His plan
  fails, however, when his first shipment of power tools arrives and he
  realizes that his fish minions have no hands with which to work them. 
  
                                      9. 
  
  Crusto is a bead of sweat on the forehead of an aerobics instructor. 
  After thirty jumping jacks, he drops to the ground.  When he dries, he
  dies.
  
                                     10. 
  
  Crusto is a love poem, handwritten on heavy yellow paper and sent through
  the mail.  When the mailman goes to deliver him, however, a rabid dog
  suddenly springs from a nearby bush, its white teeth bared, its chin
  dripping froth.  The mailman gives chase, and all the letters go sailing
  from his pack.  The envelope containing Crusto is caught in the wind and
  flutters about the street for an hour.  Then it lands in the gutter and is
  washed down the sewer when someone decides to turn on their sprinklers. 
  
  As Crusto bobs through the hot, slick tunnels under the city, the envelope
  begins to fray first at the corners, then at the sides, then all around
  him, until finally his true self -- his love poem self -- is revealed for
  all to see. Crusto beams triumphant; his heart beats like a trumpet. 
  
  And though only rats and alligators live in sewers, it's true, I think we
  can all agree that even the rats and the alligators need love too. 

                                                                       ,o$o
   o$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$Y$$$$b
  d$$$'                                                               `  `$$b 
 d$$'                            Subway Lines                             ,$$
 $$:                            by Gnarly Wayne                          ,$P
  `$n,.. .  .   .    .     .      .        .      .     .    .   .  . ..P' 
    `"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""'

  So one day I'm riding the #6 Subwayne from uptown to downtown, wherever
  those places exist in Regina.  I'm just sitting in my seat, minding my own
  business, when this guy in front of me turns around and says:

  "I've got plenty of toothpaste.  Would you like some?"

  Instantly, my mind went through all the possible scenarios that I could
  partake.  Here they are, with a little commentary on each.  Enjoy.


  1. Ignore him.  This can come with the option of either giving him a
     strange look or you can save $50 and get air-conditioning instead.
     This is the response that the majority of people will give, but in this
     instance, I found it to be too boring.  Plus, it would make for a short
     article.

  2. Politely decline.  Most popular are "No thanks," and "No spanks."  Most
     crazies won't act upon this and simply return to their insane world of
     which I am the mayor.

  3. Call him on it.  This one is dangerous because it is basically testing
     whether or not this guy is truly insane or just being stupid.  If he
     grins and then says, "Heh heh, I just like saying stupid things," he
     is not insane.  If you end up with a pair of rusty tongs buried 17
     inches into your chest, then he is insane.

  4. Be extremely rude to him.  This one will get you the tong treatment
     even if the guy is not insane, so it's best handled by the experts.

  5. Try to out-crazy him.  Say something even zanier than asking about
     someone's current toothpaste quantities.  Caution!  If you end up
     saying something really lame, everyone will laugh at you, including the
     crazy guy.  If you can pull it off, you will come off that Subway A
     GOD.  To help in this situation, I've noted the lamest and the best
     reponses to the question, which I will reiterate here:

        Lame Lines:
        - Sorry, I only use Crest. *chortle*
        - No...... because....... I....... am....... CRAZY!

        Killer Lines:
        - I have your toothpaste right here. I took it from you when you
          let your guard down for that split second.... and I'd do it
          again....Goodbye.
        - Here's some news for ya, pal.  People don't care about your
          toothpaste.  I don't care whether you're actually crazy or just
          looking for some lame attention.  Take your inane comments about
          toothpaste and get out of my subway before I get all kamikazi on
          ya azz.  WERD! (at the utterance of WERD! it is essential that you
          leap up from your seat and strike a pose that you've used a
          million times before.)

  6. Murderize him.  Probably the most unnecessary course of action to
     take.  I'm glad I've never accidently sent this command to my brain in
     any number of ordinary situations I get myself into.  Like when this
     lady I work with asked for some paper clips, I went through all the
     scenarios in my head and went with #1.  If I had accidently picked #6,
     I would be fired for sure.


  So if you are wondering which one I did indeed pick, my answer is this:
  There are no subways in Regina.


 .d&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&b.

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  the neo-comintern

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