\--------------------------------------/ |How to Beat The Shit out of Fat People| /--------------------------------------\ Lardass, Lardass, in White Hen After those God Damn Twinkies Again Lardass, Lardass, All Around With every step, you crack the Ground Lardass, Lardass, Midnight Snack Never Spent a Minute on the Jogging Track Lardass, Lardass, eating Dinner Don't you know you'll never be Thinner? This is a file written from personal experience, and dedicated to a certain Lardass we know.... You know who you are, Fat Boy. In order to destroy a Fat Boy, you will need: \-------------------------------------------/ | Two (2) Fists | | | | One (1) Pair of Hedge Clippers (Don't Ask)| | | | One (1) Flatulent Individual | | | | One (1) Serving of Cat Food | | | | Any other useful accessories, such | | as Brass Knuckles, Vaseline, Tongue | | Depressors, A Cleaver, Wax, Tweezers, | | and a .38 Caliber. | /-------------------------------------------\ OK, before we get into the story, we will do our top 10 list. . . Top 10 Best Things to do to a FAT BOY (These Are All Things that we have either done or seen done, this is not imiginary!) 10: Push Him into a ThornBush (Those Roses never did grow back...) 9: Pluck his eyebrows with tweezers 8: Tie him to an exercise bike with string, whip him with a belt if he stops exercising, and put candy bars on the ground until he drools on the gears. You can also put Ice down his back for added incentive 7: Take a gun. Yes this has been done. Take a gun and stick it to his head. Pull the trigger. Oh, did I forget to mention to take out the bullets? I recommend it, because if you don't you will have a dead fat boy in your house. And boy will the flies be their to eat all that meat. 6: Tie him to the roof of your house while it rains. 5: Throw icicles at him till you have to take him to the hospital 4: Tie him down and force him to eat Slim Fast dry. If that doesn't work, make it into a milkshake, but don't forget to add the Cat Food 3: Put him in a Garbage can and roll him down a hill. 2: Take a pair of hedge clippers and, while saying "Don't worry, I won't take off much," make him look like the drummer for AC/DC 1: (This was disgusting, neither of us did it) Wipe your bare ass on his leg while he reads Nintendo Power. OK, now, if you're wondering what the Vaseline, Tongue Depressors, Wax, Cleaver, etc... are for, they're various torture devices (Well, actually, interrogation devices, but who cares) And I know for a fact, they were made with a FAT BOY in Mind. So here is another top 10 list of things to do with these various devices. 10: Smear Vaseline all over him (Ahem) and push him into the Blue Oyster. 9: Put him in the trunk of a Yugo and see how long it takes for it to Explode. 8: Put dead things (flies, ants, etc...) in his hot chocolate 7: The Raunchy Bar* 6: Steadily beat his shoulders with brass knuckles (this hurts more than you can imagine until you have it done to you) 5: Tie him up in the kitchen of somebody you don't know. 4: Gag him and tie him to a chair, then threaten to perform a circumcision with the cleaver 3: You don't even want to KNOW what you can do with Thongs... 2: Put all the food in your house on your dining room table, let him in there, then call the police, and say there's an intruder in your house who's eating all your food. And he's a FAT BOY. 1: Burn him at the Steak (Get it... Steak?) * The Raunchy Bar is a Peanut Butter snickers bar that has been left open, in a shoe box for 2 months, then dipped in toothpaste, then smeared with frozen spit, then farted on repeatedly, then stuck in a toilet as someone flushes the shit down. Then left to sit for a week, and served. Our Story This story takes place on a Halloween night, about 2 years back, when I, Iridescent Innkeeper (For this story I will be refered to as Angus) Unstable Postman (For this story he will be refered to as Phil Rudd), and a few other people (Who will be refered to as Brian, Malcolm, and Cliff) And the Fat Boy, who will be refered to as Ed. This Story is about a Traditional, very intricate, very long, game of Beat the Fat Boy. We all (Including Ed) met at my house on halloween night. We started off the night with the greatest Fat Boy prank, we shoved him into a garbage can and rolled him down a hill (I'm not going to bother to say how we managed to get him into the garbage can. Actually, we just dropped a pork chop in there...) Then we took him to a house where there was a halloween party going on, and took him into the exercise room of these (Disgustingly rich) people. There (You guessed it) we tied him to an exercise bike with Karate Belts we found hanging on the wall. Then We Steadily beat him with an extra belt whenever he stopped exercising. We sent Brian to go get some candy bars and ice from the party, and when he returned, we were just beginning to have fun Whipping the fat boy, but there were more important things to do, such as put the ice down the back of his shirt and dangle the candy bars in front of his face (Boy did that make him pedal!) Then we sent Malcolm into the bathroom to get the Vaseline (Since he would know where it was.) Just to add to the extreme heat being generated as Fat Boy pedaled and Pedaled, we smeared the vaseline on his arms and neck (We didn't want to touch his face...). So, much later, we let him get off the bike. He would've beat the shit out of us, but there were 5 of us, and... 35 of him, but we were stronger. We let him go back to the party, all red and sweaty with vaseline on him, I'm sure he was a big hit.... We found him again later relaxing in a room reading a nintendo power magazine, and (you guessed it), Malcolm proceeded to wipe his ass on Ed's bare leg. Ed just sat there as if nothing was happening. What a Lardass, too lazy to get up and do anything about it. Of course, I wouldn't want to know what he would do to a bare ass..... Much, Much later, when the party was about to end, we brought the excercise bike into the kitchen, tied him to it again (no easy task), tipped him over, and left. Great Night, Huh? You could get old if you stop playing, Iridescent Innkeeper & Unstable Postman I.I and U.P are not responsible for any personal injury that may result from the use of this file.